OP/EA is irrelevant to my sitch with my H. I don't care about her. She is meaningless to me and to whatever R I create with my H. I can see how she is an obstacle to him coming back, but she is not an obstacle to me anymore. I am the better choice, I know that now, and if H chooses to see that, great. And if not, his loss."
I tweaked it to fit my sitch but it's all the same! Every day I interact with H I have to remember these words because I do tend to hold back based on the fact that ea is still breathing, I tell him he can't have me as long as she's in his life...I'm going to stop that also.
Choosing me makes H feel like he's choosing the looser life he is trying to run away from. I told him that this new way of acting hasn't yielded anything either, he agreed! He even added that it's worse or at least moved us only laterally.
Opinions wanted...why does H keep asking me if his presence here makes a difference and does it mean anything still? What does he want me to say...if I get to complimentary he shoots me down, it's a loaded question. What is he looking for?
Then he says neg things about being away from home, ea and her friends, but is still loyal to that sitch. He thrives on knowing that he is better than them, it makes him feel better about himself. He says how can he ''come home'' when nothing has changed, he'll be walking right back into it all. He's afraid to come back to himself!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Should I give my h some real reasons why his presence is important here? If so I think I wouldn't know what to say. Right now I just look at him like...you know your wanted home...or kinda like well what do you think. There have been times I said we'll then go and he quickly says no.
So he needs me to tell him his value, he wants me to give him some validation. Sh!t, when did I become his cheerleader?
Or, do I say that's something only he can answer as a member of this family? As a person who needs to find his own purpose in and out of our home. He's going to say then he serves no purpose like he has before....and then change nothing to better himself. So then he can complain again...devalue himself and again ask me what purpose does he serve here. It's been a cycle of the same question for over a yr now.
What would you say...this is your journey? Or, of course there is value in your being home with your family.
is he really saying do we need/want him as a person. Hum! If he died tomorrow would it matter, "tell me it would matter wife"! Even though he would shoot that down as well!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
what indeed do you say? i get your sitch- nothing is "right" each way you're "wrong". man- does it ever sound like the spiel in aa literature. i read it all when my sister was having her own journey with alcohol.
her "hit bottom" was dying- cripes!!! you'd think after all this time and with all our technology- there would be some better option out there than "stand back and let them go".
i don't know the response. my own response - if really put5 on the spot to answer - as in, he's staring at my face waiting- would probably be the truth - there's something big holding me back from walking away- best i could do.
i'm not sure - at flea mkt this morning i was walkign aroudn thinking of you=-=-
oh yeah- my continuation of yesterday when i "got scared away" - in middle of comment
i was walking around thinking "dawn of the dead" - describingh me - but thinking of your comment about being thru with your gyy and him not being the man you'd want if this is what he is going to remain-
anyway- something like that- me thinking me too . there's more to life than THIS - feeling like crap company to some jerk who is in fact crap company themselves- YET judging us- and us FEELING IT!!!
THE total insanity of it all. easy to say detach- i'm waaay mroe detached than ever before- surprise myself. but even the being detached makes me feel bad to be the kind of person and to feel so ??? what) for this person i loved so wildly- it's sad in and of itself- the detachment.
and of course - at the end of the day- the post - our lives??? there's always teh question- why in the world are we even gtrying if we're totally totally detached (as in finality?)
oh well- what i bore i've become with this all huh? i'm sure it's like watching your crazy old dog chase his tail- never ever ever getting it....
fingers crossed that there's something out there "to get" in the end.
ta da.xxo have a great day. OH YEAH- honestly- i thibnk in the e nd they kn ow exactly what they mean to us and what the heck we're doing accepting their crap and hanging on. do they appreciate it- probably not. do they kn ow it's there and what it is? i'd say yes. amaybe i give them too much credit- my h does not want to hear it (more guilt please) it's interesting your h does? maybe he's not sure-
I'm more detached every day. I was sitting in the middle of my bed with the tv brought forward to the edge of my bed late night when h walked in and saw me content with my movie and in my comfort. I know he saw I was making an adjustment to life without him.
This morning he was watching my favorite movie and he said have a seat. He tried to make small talk and joke a little. I had my coffee and removed myself after the movie. It will be his loss!!! I'm a good companion, easy going, and loving, he's not going to top that in his new world!
I try to spend more time thinking about my attributes instead of what he was to me, operative word being " was". When I feel myself slipping back I then remind myself how he's not what I want. As I say this his cigarette smoke is coming into my bedroom window....not what I want!
Nero, everyday I am chasing my tail trying to just learn how to GAL. I am detached better but still haven't been able to know my next step. I still need to get out there and make friends, work, and play!
Baby steps!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Journaling: As I read more and more about MLC I am able to see now that his words, past mostly, and present are part of the script, it helps me not be so angry at the BS that comes out of his mouth. Funny how now in his new stage he's taking back some of those words, saying that has passed. I don't know what people mean about not remembering the spew, he seems to remember everything he ever said.
LIke he said he needs to see ea's face everyday if only for 5 min, it's worth the trip. I remember how adamant he was, "yes, everyday, yes" I wanted to rip his lips off. Today he says, that was then today I'm getting sick of her face. But, he remembers!
After my night of solo cozy movie time, the next night h took a shower, gently laid down on my bed, seemly while holding back a smile. I was about to start the T-W-Dead as he asked me if he should make a snack for us, ok, sure! Sometimes, I swear I am the one going wackadoodle!
He was very familiar...there were only small subtle signs of MLC but he was commutative. We didn't touch at all or cuddle but he did sleep the whole night in my bed. I looked over at one point and tried to feel something for him, I didn't.
In all fairness if he was reaching out to me, attempting to pull me toward him, literally and in his life, I may still be able to bring up some feelings that I am protecting, but I definitely lean more to the thought that I don't L him anymore. I hope this is normal LBS talk and that I am not coming off cold!
I went to the gym w/D19 and it felt great. Today I bought some hair extensions and had someone do my hair. I am not a fake vanity girl at all, I am actually loosing my hair, but I have to say this does look good! Can't wait for spring, everyday I'm moving forward.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
As I read more and more about MLC I am able to see now that his words, past mostly, and present are part of the script, it helps me not be so angry at the BS that comes out of his mouth. Funny how now in his new stage he's taking back some of those words, saying that has passed. I don't know what people mean about not remembering the spew, he seems to remember everything he ever said.
of course i have no corroboration from h - but i do not believe he knows what-all he's said. some is truly awful & out & out lies & reconstruction of past - it's icky.
YOUR H - tome it seems he cares to remember- he is 'IN " THIS mlc with you- unlike maybe my not-h who is having "his "OWN life times and doesn't see me as a part? i'm guessing what it could signify- it must signify something that your H BOTHERS to remember and address them - and sort of apologize or correct the record. in my land- that seems huge...
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He was very familiar...there were only small subtle signs of MLC but he was commutative. We didn't touch at all or cuddle but he did sleep the whole night in my bed. I looked over at one point and tried to feel something for him, I didn't.
OH GEEEZ - DID YOU JUST SAY THAT??? me too (as usual) I feel badly acknowledging it to myself and "the world" here. i feel sorrow to not find his face fond & "mind". i feel sorry to look at him objectively...
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In all fairness if he was reaching out to me, attempting to pull me toward him, literally and in his life, I may still be able to bring up some feelings that I am protecting, but I definitely lean more to the thought that I don't L him anymore. I hope this is normal LBS talk and that I am not coming off cold!
so- i'm responding to your comments - then reading what you say next - DID YOU JUST SAY THAT??? i can't believe your progression of thoughts go alongside mine- the self- protection. i guess it must be that way- we must do it- who else will..
okay- your hair sounds great and your pma too- looking forward to spring is great and i'm with ya - xxo
Today not-H said something not so philosophical to S21, ''well my life is over, I am dead anyway''! I am so sick of him...it's so ugly to hear someone's misery day in, day out!
he is 'IN " THIS mlc with you-
great analogy, he's in it, embarssing it, wallowing in it, letting it define who he is!
All I can say is thank you God, that I am in a healthier place, out of my fog, not crying anymore (i cannot believe how much I cried) and able to brush him off when he's being a complete idiot!
And, to think I still have a small reserve inside of me that I am protecting against him, for that one day maybe as long as never, that he is healthy again. Not for me, or our M, but for out R as parents and human beings. I would like to believe everyone has hope!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
hiya dawn; ' here's me today- "dawn of the dead" - i'm with ya -
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able to brush him off when he's being a complete idiot!
my stupid jerk of not-h is crashing around feeling "put out" in life because he's doing the darn dishes and he fancies himself so very neat and me such a mess. i did it ALLLLLL for 30+ years, but that is not worthy of notice - i guess he figures a household running smoothly with everything we could need - - EVERYTHING just happened by magic while we both worked). nice world he lives in - huh?
anyway- he's dirty- does not clean anything- he just doesn't leave stuff around. go figure- i should live in that world.
i watch him daily turning into this jerk of a father he moans about all the time- fastideous to the point of insanity- a real prissy jerk who just has to have every icon on his desktop in the exact two millimeters of space, etc. it's insane i'm telling you. and here he is- becoming more and more inflexible and anal every single minute of every single day- talk about watchig a slow train wreck.
okay snodderly- that being said- i'd guess (kindly) it's him trying furiously to "take charge" of his life by doing dopey little things he can "clean up" because the rest is a stinkin mess? wonder if he will ever do or be anything other than blame me in his mind. i know he does because he's crabby & looking for a fight or something. i did not go there - at all. btw
OR (other possible reason) - he's just a self-righteous jerk who thinks the only efforts in life that matter are his- he's sooooo wonderfulllll. and i'm sooooooo awful.... (oops - did i say that out loud?) he probably couldn't get ow on the phone so i'm going to pay now- for his misery. (which is all my fault btw)
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I am so sick of him...it's so ugly to hear someone's misery day in, day out!
i'm with you. i'm here complaining because my not-h is crashing around being obvious- i can't imagine if he was saying it out loud. i'd feel like you and more i'm sure.
it's got to be intolerable over the long haul - i'd want to kill him if he was laying crap like that on my kid- really. how dare he dump his poisonous and self-pitying attitude on a kid (even an adult kid). my neices father dumps on her- i hate it. what a really selfish thing & how can you do it to your child? i guess their NEEDY NEED for pity supercedes everything in the universe. yikes... how gross
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that he is healthy again. Not for me, or our M, but for out R as parents and human beings. I would like to believe everyone has hope!
nice little you- to endure all this- and still have some hope. i'm not so sure about me today. we don't have kids- i despair of him ever seeing himself- his mlc- his insanity for what it all is. today- i think it's just a matter of time as to when i leave. i don't even think it will matter to him - only possibly to me and my ruined little life and future plans- it's all in the can now. i will be lonely til i get over it all. too bad huh? boy- all that optimism stuff sure does not prepare one for reality).
If i survive valentines day it'll be a miracle. all these tv ads with loving junk make me cry and feel wah wah. have to stop & harden up somehow.
i've never cried a heck of alot about this all - i cannot let myself. now or then I begin and stop immediately becasue i don't know why- can't let myself get "weak" - have to remain strong. i don't really know how long i can do this - i'm competent and responsible in general in life - but emotionally i'm sappy more than "strong". i can do what i have to do- but just because i have no alternative.
i'm not good at being hard - it's a strain to continue it for long periods. i am soooo done with misery people who want me to fix it all- and be sure to not expect anythign in return.
anyway- today i merely hope to make it thru the day without blowing up- the more i am a round him- the less i "feel it" -
HEY SELF - QUIT STALLING - FIND THE DAMN JOB AND COMMIT - (eek- nme and commitment and DECISION)...
oh well- as you can clearly see- sos here with me today- hope your day gets better -
you are right- there is more to life than living like this- and we know it (fortunately or unfortunately) - that's the bad news about having BEEN perfectly happy-
oh well- i got nothin really this morning i guess.
just checkin in and agreeing mightily with you.
these guys are both IN THEIR MLC's - it's soooo icky to watch and see and know and wonder if they will ever open their eyes(brains - hearts- consciousness), etc.
like two little half dead goldfish being flushed down the toilet- clueless & on their way out. just swirling on down - helllllppppppp...... blub blub.
i don 't think my not-h will ever do anthing other than become his father- crabby- self righteous - picky- thinking hinmself a God to the remainder of humanity's grovelying grubblings.... all unworthy of his wonderfulness - sorry- seems true today.
okay- i'll get out of here and just stfu -
have a good day - well, try anyway. we need to find our pma today- i'm trying - can't seem to land somewhere -
it's that i need to clean this dump- but then think i'm doing it so he can - uh hem - "entertain" while i'm gone- and who wants to know thta??? not me , yet i do. geeez i hate him when i say that out loud- wonder at the end of the day whether i will hate him and never see his face again- or if there is some little something somewhere that didn't get killed in the fire?
bad bad road
who can say- not me today. xxoo thanks for being out there
Yea, I GAL today all day, unbelievable! I had lunch with an old friend who lives 2 blocks from me. It has been 14yrs since we went out to eat together, when we lived in the city we ran around everyday into the night, or every night into the day. Turns out we are both going through some simular things only she is yrs ahead of me with her husbands cheating and crisis.
Funny how we both said we become stay-home-moms and dropped out of society. Yea, we still go together but only as mommies, over birthday's and holidays. She was the first to also say how we became mom's to our H's and now it's kick us both in the a$$.
After that I made chocolate covered strawberries with D19 for her bf, and I bought myself a Valentine Bonsai for my table. I don't expect anything from an H that has no L for me.
I finished the night with a work out at the gym with D19 and S26 gf. It was nice, I was the old one with these two young chickies but I held my own. I just wont tell them that now I need a good soak!
It was good, and I hope to get through the day of L without feeling like a LBS. Keeping my spirits high, and passing it on! ooooooxxxxx ((((((((())))))) dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I was about to start the T-W-Dead as he asked me if he should make a snack for us, ok, sure! Sometimes, I swear I am the one going wackadoodle!