Diving in with my eyes closed

[2chiquitos]

Thank you SS, Starsky n CL! I was really holding back on saying it. I realize now that it was cuz I was afraid he'd say no or how would I feel if he hesitated, etc.

Thank you afa75 for checking in. I am so flattered that you felt as though I encouraged you. This is why we come to these boards and I'm so glad my sitch is helping you also ;-)

H n I talked about it last night and he said he is more than willing to do it but not over money. BETTER FOR ME! I thought a lot about it too and I regret decisions I made in the past not knowing if he was fully committed. This was a boundary and I made it clear.

If you are fully committed to the relationship then I'm more than willing to put myself in a vulnerable situation.
However, since you are not ready to write this letter, then I can't move forward with asking my father for money.

I felt very brave! and as though I was finally really loving myself!! taking care of myself!

This talk actually brought us closer. He continued to talk about R. He said that he finally feels as if he's ready to commit but wants to do it slowly and not rush into it. (I'm the one rushing cuz I'm so darn impatient!)

I want him living here but then i don't!
I want him touching me but then I don't!
etc.

It's so weird. I can imagine how good our relationship can be in the future if we continue to grow together. We are closer now than before all this mess. And I can only see it getting better.

BUT...
All that baggage is so darn heavy. It would be nice to just let it go but it's so difficult to let go of resentment. I don't want to be hurt again and I worry/fear that if I let it go, I will be burned again.