Oh, and I hope you know that what I meant about how "awful" you were is...there is NO excuse to be verbally abused. None.
Yes, there are different ways to learn to communicate. I know that when things get heated, I say the above and get out. When we talk again, it is calmer.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
SS, I think you would help yourself by talking with someone regularly. There must be some sort of help you can get.
You are addicted to him because that is all you've ever known. I so understand. But you can break the addiction.
were there times in your R with him that you thought you'd like to get out? Tell him to hit the road? That strong part of you is what you need to get in touch with.
You didn't make him the way he is. He made choices. We are each responsible for our feelings and actions.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Bug is right. You are addicted to him. I know about this all too well. Finally I am getting stronger, but have my very down days too. It will be like this for a bit. You are strong. Definitely see what you can do about IC. It does help. There is codependency in your R with him. We post some songs on another thread with TVS and call it the MLC Jukebox. This one by Pearl Jam is about codependency. You don't have to be this way. You are only 29/30. Lots of opportunity for you kiddo and you are stronger than you believe.
"Better Man"
Waitin', watchin' the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech As he opens the door, she rolls over... Pretends to sleep as he looks her over
She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man... She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man... Can't find a better man Can't find a better man Ohh...
Talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to know... She tells herself, oh... Memories back when she was bold and strong And waiting for the world to come along... Swears she knew it, now she swears he's gone
She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man... She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man... She lies and says she still loves him, can't find a better man... She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man... Can't find a better man Can't find a better man Yeah...
She loved him, yeah... she don't want to leave this way She feeds him, yeah... that's why she'll be back again
Can't find a better man Can't find a better man Can't find a better man Can't find a better... man...
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
The ugly truth,.. I've done a lot of soul searching these last few days. I've realized that yes, I really did become a codependant to a narcissist. I realize it's not up to me to label H but I'm going off our relationship as a whole, not just the last six months or so. It is possible that H is not a narcissist, however after a lot of research, I've found that the only symptom that I can say H does not have is feelings. I could be wrong but I really believe H loves our children, I believe he loved me once too. I've seen him show empathy, however only truly when someone has passed away. He only showed me empathy for my troubles and struggles a couple of times. I realize that this is about me and my children, not about H, however I'm "treating" him as a narcissist for my recovery. I've found some great sites online.
I was back in that deep, dark, scary place. Not quite as far down as bomb drop but it sucked. I'm still struggling with the tears at inappropriate times again. I found myself thinking terrible, scary thoughts. Stuff I'd never thought about doing before. I found myself saying that it would be okay to be that selfish. Deep down I knew I wouldn't do it but the thought was there and it was scary. It felt like one step closer than I'd like to go.
Possible triggers. Lack of sleep Finding out that H has been taking His GF and her kids to a few different IL's houses. That he took her and her kids to a family BBQ with my children at IL's. Hearing how happy he was bowling with my kids and "them" The whole distance/ persuit thing has reached a "game over" H no longer was to have contact with me. Just the bare minimal, business like thing regarding the children.
I think I had to go through the acceptance stage all over again. I already went throught it and I think I accepted most things, however.... I accepted them while laying most of the blame on H. He left me, he didn't fight for me, he broke us. I see now how wrong I was. We broke us. I became codependant and tried to control his spending and going out. I ignored him when he got home late from the pub late. I think he tried to save us, maybe not in the ways I see as right but maybe in his own way, he did. I enabled him, I didn't set healthy boundaries. Maybe I pushed him away.. Maybe he just rewrote our history to an irreparable extent.. Maybe I stopped "feeding" him.. Maybe I just was not good enough in his eyes. I may never know for sure and that's okay. So I think I had to go through acceptance again but this time I had to fully understand, acknowledge and accept my part.
I do know that it was hard on H too, to leave his children behind. It was obviously what he had to do for him. It still hurts that he replaced me so soon but that's his choice. There's nothing I can do about that now. I was fighting the "what ifs" blaming myself for everything. I was even starting to wonder if maybe I was the one who rewrote history. Umm no I did not. I was doubting everything. I've realized now that it doesn't matter. I know my part. I own my mistakes and I'm working on me. I'm having a hard time forgiving me. I think I have forgiven H.
Bug, there were times where I wanted to leave. Actually there was a time where I'm pretty sure I would have but I was scared of what he would do to the kids. He used to threaten to take them, if I ever left. He would tell me he would blow up my car if I left him. This was maybe four, five years ago. I could easily have became to WAS...
I still love H,.. I'm not sure in what way though. Trust is very important to me, so much so that the lying should have been a deal breaker. I just loved him oh so much. I was in a relationship for 13 years without trust, a relationship where I felt so insecure. H had always checked out OW in front of me,.. Not just a glance but a full head turning stare. With me right next to him. It was embarresing and made me feel like crap. I've seen him look at his mates GF with a loving look in his eyes (One I didn't get) while she looked at him the same way. Me sitting next to H, watching them stare lovingly at each other. There's just too much, that I can't let go of. We're truly broken. Now I need to try to put me back together again. I need to work out why I stayed in a relationship that was so destructive for so long.
I've realized that I "hid" a lot of stuff from myself because it was just too painful to admit, even to myself. How can I love someone so much, when our relationship was so toxic.
Honestly one of the hardest parts now is accepting the H has my children sometimes, accepting that he is doing tge whole family thing, a lot more and im not included. accepting that his GF has "taken my place" with the IL's, I know the last two is my wounded ego talking but it's still hard.
I was so surprised after H posted on FB, that we were seperated and so many friends called, came around and messaged me with compassion and support. I remember thinking "Wow, they really like me, for me. They actually really care" I truly have "lost myself" I lost my self confidence, self worth, self love, self respect. I really started to believe that I really wasent good enough, that no matter how hard I tried, I just plain and simply wasent good enough. I truly lost myself in so many ways. I find simple decisions can leave me feeling anxious. I was invited over a friends house and found myself trying to work out why I couldn't go. I don't have to do that anymore. My world truly did revolve around H, I revolved around H.
This is going to be one long and winding road. A hard and painful road. I do know that I can just get through it. I need to work through it and truly find myself.
I want to thank those of you who actually make it through my long, rambling posts. Your support really does help. It means a lot to me. I think I'm going to be here for a while.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
But I think you hit bottom and I'm so happy your dark thoughts didn't take over.
You are the only YOU there is in this world and your children love you. It sounds like you have many friends who love you. Call on them in your dark times or to go have a coffee or just a talk.
Are there no AlAnon groups within driving distance? I think you would benefit from the support of others who have been where you are.
Don't let some dummy spitting arse define you!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
AlAnon? I'm not a alicholic. Why would they have been where I am? I actually find I can't drink when I'm sad. It just doesn't work for me. Kinda [censored] though. Drowning my sorrows sounds pretty good right now lol
That made me smile. He really is a dummy spitting arse face. I can't hate him though. I tried lol
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Not Alcoholic Anonymous, AlAnon is for friends and families of problem drinkers or druggers most of whom are codependent. Google it. Even reading the literature can be very helpful.
I went and it helped me tremendously.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
SS, you've done so much work on yourself! You should be so proud of where you are now! The sadness and pain is to be expected, but you'll come through it, and better in the end. There are no shortcuts, unfortunately, I wish there were. Don't beat yourself up. I was just thinking today about all the stupid things people do for love. It's obvious from the outside, or looking back, but when you're in it, love really is blind. And that's as much blind to your own actions as to it's typical meaning of being blind to another person's flaws. Be kind to yourself. It was just part of your journey. (((SS)))
I don't know bug. I didn't even realize that's what AlAnon was. H is not an alicholic, I don't think. It seems he can go a week or two without a drink. I'd feel strange going there. Thanks CV, It feels that I have only just begun. I have such a long way to go. Sometimes it just seems so far off and so uphill, it's tiring just thinking about it.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
He doesn't have to be an alcoholic. They don't ask when you get there but you find that there are people in situations similar to yours. They won't ask you anything and you don't have to say anything, just listen and gain strength.
It seems you have few options for in person help. AlAnon is free, try a meeting or 2 before you say no. Don't let fear hold you back.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
