Thank you, Longrun, GTO, Ruby and Andrew. I've been so distraught today trying to figure out the agreement and dealing with my emotions.

Andrew, thanks for the quote. I've definitely found myself in the wrong story.

I picked up the stuff today. I threw some of it out and went through most of the rest. I really loved him, and said it and showed it so much. Amazing. I only left a piece of art I made for him in 1999 bc, on the back, I wrote "Keep this forever to remind you of how much we love each other." So it didn't feel right to take it. I also found some letters he had written to me, and emails from back when he was in college and had gone away for a semester abroad. He is a different man. My H is not this guy. My H was a playful, friendly, fun guy who had his issues but was pure at heart. This new man has a dirty soul. My guess is that he's been affected by his nightly porn habit, the A he had, and his closest friends, who lead a lifestyle of sleeping around and "having fun" every night. The one who does drugs left for Seattle, but they talk most nights. So with those influences in life, what can you expect.

I also remember my H used to be into beautiful songs and singers like Enya. This new guy is into Eminem and other hateful/aggressive stuff that reflects what's inside of him. Now I see it.

I spoke with my coach today and told her about our email exchanges and the happenings of yesterday. She said she was surprised he replied to my email so quickly--that in only 10% of the cases the WAS would even reply to a heartfelt email like that. She also said she's not surprised about his sexual adventures, bc WAS's tend to act recklessly. She said I can't really do anything about it, so to let it go. She also said that now that I know I don't want anything to do with him, I should feel free to ask for whatever I want in the agreement, provided I show him that I want something equitable/fair.

Tomorrow is his birthday. I wonder what he'll think when he opens the thoughtful present I gave to him. I also wrote a nice card. If I had found about the whole test thing, I would've cancelled lunch. But maybe it's for the best that he thinks I still see him in a positive light. Truth is, I've lost all respect and admiration I had left for him.

Andrew, thank you for saying I'm amazing :-) Thank you, everyone else for the much needed hugs.