Retrouvaille

[7720]

Mr. Bond what if the OM is just a friend... It sounded like he might have been a LBS...and he did not aknowledge her advance.I know I would never date a married woman going through this; after what I have been through. Just a guess though.

[MrBond]

Doesn't make a difference from his perspective. The problem is that the W is attracted to him. The OM is a distraction and has he constantly wondering 'what if'. She will still have some of those thoughts, but at least it's not going to be a constant reminder to her and that she's not going to have an opportunity to grow and nurture their relationship.

Put it this way. If you start developing feelings for someone that's not your spouse, it's probably not a good thing.

[BrightFuture]

Wow, there are some fires burning on this thread. I agree with Cadet and MrBond that you haven’t given it enough time. I think that your wife feels lots of pressure from you when you say that you not interested in M without love and passion. She might be going through a phase when she doesn’t feel anything for you. But, it doesn’t mean it cannot change. From what I’ve read over the last 6 months of my sitch, falling out of love is quite normal in a long term marriage. Just read it in DR book that at this specific moment your wife might feel that her feeling will never return. But, when she married you she probably didn’t think that her love for you would ever disappear.

Even thought it was her idea to go to Retrouvaille, she probably went there with a specific agenda – to find her feelings. And when this didn’t happened she went back to a confused mode. I think it will take some time for her to revamp the benefits of Retrouvaille. She needs to do more thinking on her own. Maybe you need to stop any kind of relationship conversations for now and just enjoy your time together.

I just want to repeat myself, I feel that you wife still feels much pressure from you. She is not ready to have romantic, passionate and sexy relationship with you. But, it seems to me that she is not ready to give you up either. Maybe you need to back off for now and give it some more time.

[AnotherStander]

Again she is in crisis and this comment is proving that you have no clue about it.
If you are moving on then file for divorce and be legally done before you start dating.
What you are doing is no different than what she has done.
Two wrongs dont make a right.

There's no "right" or "wrong" in these sitches. My W wasn't "right" or "wrong" to leave me, who knows why it happened but it did. People change, nothing is static. "Right" and "wrong" is really just perception.

I understand where your W is coming from and as a woman, I can clearly see why she feels that way.

Honestly I think there's a lot of mind-reading going on when people say things like this. I don't think you know at all what she thinks/ feels, and I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all approach that works.

You are seeking external validation from other women. Instead of being able to validate and like yourself.

I don't need validation from others, but I enjoy it. I'm an extrovert, I draw energy from others, not myself. And I do like myself very much although it took me months to get there.

Have you bothered to try to become someone who your W won't have to walk on eggshells around and showed that to her consistantly over a long period of time?

Absolutely. I don't know if you've read all my posts, but yes. In fact W said at RetroV that she feels "comfortable" around me now. She readily acknowledges that the walking on eggshells thing is gone.

But she still doesn't have feelings for me and that's the bottom line. I know a lot of you think that she will again, but frankly her words say that you're wrong. There's no crisis here, there is a woman who is pretty much the same woman she's always been but who doesn't love her husband anymore and doesn't think she ever will again. I've sat across from her, I've looked into her eyes, I've held her hand when she's said this. None of you have. I'm telling you, she is DONE!!!! Will she ever change her mind? No, I really don't think she will.

A few questions Another....

1) What is standing to you?

Oh no, I'm not getting drawn into that again, LOL! Let me just answer it this way- every person has their own definition of what DB terms actually mean. Mine is no doubt different from yours. Answering that will only lead to "no it's this, no it's not it's that" exchanges that don't benefit anyone.

So my question is....do you really want to stand. Seriously, no bullchit, do you really want to get back with your W? Cause if so, I'm not sure I agree with some of your actions.

I understand, and I think I've been quite clear that I don't claim my dating is "DB'ing", in fact it's quite the opposite. And I don't expect to get a bunch of pats on the back for it. I really debated with myself whether I should even mention it, but I've been 100% honest in my postings and I thought "why stop now".

I am suggesting that you be honest with YOU and HER as to what you really want in your life.

I absolutely truly believe I have been completely honest with my W and myself.

i hope you don't mind, but i was wondering if there is some fear and hurt under your thoughts now about your sitch?

No, absolutely not. There definitely has been in the past, but not now.

hope you are okay.

I am fantastic actually And I really do mean that, I'm in a really great place!

First off, there can't be OM involved with W if you want this to succeed. And she has to understand this.

She won't ackowledge that there's anything going on. I don't ask anymore, but when I did she always said he's just a friend. But as the mantra around here goes, if you suspect an A then it's probably true. I'm sure it is. I don't need the evidence, there's enough circumstantial evidence.

Mr. Bond what if the OM is just a friend... It sounded like he might have been a LBS...and he did not aknowledge her advance.I know I would never date a married woman going through this; after what I have been through. Just a guess though.

That was just in the message I intercepted early on after BD when I was snooping. Since then I haven't snooped at all, all I know is what my kids tell me and believe me, I don't ask them about it! It usually just slips out, like S10 had a new golf glove on and I asked him if W gave it to him and he said "no, (OM) got it for me, he took us all to lunch today and then to play golf." I usually just respond with something like "cool, sounds like fun!" Like I said before, it doesn't bother me.

I think that your wife feels lots of pressure from you when you say that you not interested in M without love and passion.

Possibly, but this is in the context of RetroV when we were encouraged to discuss these issues. I have never said anything like this to her before RetroV. RetroV is not 100% consistent with DB'ing.

Just read it in DR book that at this specific moment your wife might feel that her feeling will never return. But, when she married you she probably didn’t think that her love for you would ever disappear.

Actually she has expressed throughout our marriage that she never did know if getting married was the right thing to do. She said she always felt "wierd" about it. We lived together for years before we got married, so we were well past the puppy love phase. I think we were more in it for companionship, at least that's the way she's described it and it's kind of how I feel too. I was never head-over-heels for her. It was more of a "comfortable" love then wild-and-crazy.

Maybe you need to stop any kind of relationship conversations for now and just enjoy your time together.

I agree and that has for sure stopped at this point. We rarely spend time together though, mostly that's just at kid functions.

[WearsTheSlippers]

Is a comfortable relationship bad? If the sex is good you get along, you are best friends., laugh and enjoy each others company is that a bad thing?

[stilllookingup]

Hello,

I'm sorry about what happened

I have an honest question. I see and hear loud and clear you think your W is DONE with you. I can't imagine how discouraging that would be for you but where are your current thoughts are? Are you going to move on with the new person you mentioned, or are you going to not date at all, wait and see if your W comes around..?

[ForeverYoung]

Good question SLU. Not only is AS convinced his W is done forever, but he seems to be convincing himself he needs to move on to find fireworks love himself.

I think we were more in it for companionship, at least that's the way she's described it and it's kind of how I feel too. I was never head-over-heels for her. It was more of a "comfortable" love then wild-and-crazy.

Are you done AS? Not to be disrespectful, but if you're not, what is it you are trying to do here again?

[MrBond]

Yeah okay. So you're convinced she's done okay well there's nothing else to do. When do you plan to file?

[Cadet]

Of course she is DONE, that is part of the SCRIPT.

[Soul.Searching]

I don't like scripts!