So, I don't have to have a thread title that gets me down. I'm not DISAPPOINTED, I'm LIVING. Gettin' it done. So here's my new thread and this is my whole horrible history:
I finished that last thread off with a post about my communication issues with my sister, because I think that's a clue. Since my H doesn't talk to me much anymore I'm not sure, but I think the destructive pattern we might have had lives on specifically with her.
And with most people I'm really doing pretty well, I think. So I'm working on figuring out why I react to my sister so, and maybe that will teach me why I was doing that with my H, and how not to do it with anybody.
I also woke up this morning feeling teary because in 20 years I don't seem to have made any real connection with anyone in my H's family, not just him. They don't reach out, they don't act like they care, or like they have any interest in talking to me. I can reach out to them, and I said I would, but then I wonder if I really feel like it either. And for 20 years of history together, that's kind of sad. I think I was more sad that that's all we are to each other, than sad that they haven't called me for coffee.
I did message my SIL to see if her son would like to come to my meetup group, and I'll have to go over to my other FB identity to see if she really didn't respond. Maybe she did.
I just lately seem to be yearning for things to be a little more real, a little deeper, and see that I just don't have very much of that in my life. I have a few good friends who definitely are all I could ever want and more. But a whole big chunk of my family feels like it just calved off the iceberg this past year and slipped away. And I'm not sure if I even care that much.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Same thing here. The whole family on the W's side was all "we love and care for you" at the time of separation as they were not even aware of it happening. Now 3 months down the track, it seems that they have shown the side they are taking. So I have given up calling them. If and when I do speak to them I will be very cordial but nothing about the M or S. You certainly see who your real friends and family are in these situations.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
But a whole big chunk of my family feels like it just calved off the iceberg this past year and slipped away. And I'm not sure if I even care that much.
Yes, it does feel that way doesn't it? Great description.
It gets better.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I know it does. Thanks for the reminder! It will get better and better.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I've been emailing MIL since January to set a date to celebrate S15's birthday since he wanted to have his grandma join him with a couple of friends to go out for sushi. She had many things going on in January and so did I, but February was open. About a week ago I suggested this weekend since next weekend I'll be away again with S12 for three days. I suggested lunch or dinner and mentioned that we have lax practice both days to work around and wondered what her availability is.
I get a text from H saying that they are going to see Les Miserables on Saturday, with himself, MIL and S12, and that I and S15 should join them.
I texted H back, after checking with S15 and finding he has less than zero interest in seeing Les Mis, and said that is fine and perhaps we could join up before or after for a meal? Then I talked to S15 and he really really only wanted to do it Sunday. He was really tired from a sleepover and had plans for Saturday night and had told his friends Sunday. H said his mom was holding both days this weekend, so we made our decision that I would not make S15 go Saturday since we could go Sunday as originally planned.
So I texted H again and asked could I just talk to his mom directly, this back and forth through him via text was difficult. Didn't get an answer. I suggested S15 call Grandma on her cell phone, but he didn't get an answer so maybe they were in the movie already. I called her cell phone later and got no answer too. Later I texted H could he ask his mom about Sunday and let us know, and he said he just dropped her off.
So I called her house, and didn't have much time to talk because I was on my way to a party I was now an hour late for due to kid issues. But we chatted for a moment about Les Mis, and then I said we were trying to firm up S15's birthday meal and would lunch or dinner be better for her?
She said, "Well, I'm sorry, I have church activities all day and won't be able to see you. I planned on only spending one of my weekend days with you and since it was Saturday I planned to do other things Sunday."
On behalf of S15 I pursued it further and said, gee we were really sorry, we did not know that. H had told us literally both days were open and we made our decision about Saturday based on that. We were going to be really sorry not to see her. Was she sure that she wasn't going to be able to eat either lunch or dinner with us? She started talking about well she really couldn't drive all the way and go to lacrosse and... I said, no dear MIL we don't have lacrosse for you, we are trying to take you out for a meal in your town, with a couple of S15's friends, to celebrate his birthday. She agreed that dinner would work for her but it would be much too late for the kids with their school the next day. I said, don't worry about that, it's fine. We'll pick you up at 6:30 if that works for you. Yes, she said, that is fine.
So, yesterday a little voice in my head said you'd better call to confirm those plans. But I didn't.
So I wrangle the kids all afternoon, to lax and back from lax, and friends home, and picking up, and getting ready, and now we're almost running late. I made reservations at a nice Japanese restaurant near MIL, got S15 and his two friends and S15 and S12 in the car and got on the highway. In between I had invited H, both the day before, and in previous emails, and the day of, what the plan was going to be and that he was welcome. The day of, he said "I might be busy." I checked again when it was approaching time to go, and he said "I am busy." That's a shame, because H hasn't spent any time other than in our house yelling, since before he moved out in December and this would have been good, but oh well.
And by the way, during their movie MIL gave S15's birthday present to H and H forgot to give it to him that day or the next, so S15 still doesn't have his birthday present. Using H as a go-between is really not working for me.
OK, so we are on the highway and it looks like we might run a little late, so I call to let her know I think we'll get there at 6:40 instead of 6:30 but it's ok because our dinner reservation isn't until 7:15.
She says "Oh. Oh dear. I cooked for you. I have a huge Japanese dinner all ready for you. There's a ton of food. I did not know you thought we were going out."
Oh my goodness. Now I feel terrible, and terribly frustrated. What can I do? I said, "Oh my, I'm so sorry. I have S15's two friends and the boys and H said he was busy so I don't have him, but what should we do? How can we make this good? Do you want us to come there?" and she said no, she did not want boys that she didn't know coming to her house. She would pack up all the food and send it home with us to give to H. Ugh. I felt so bad about the mix up, and I was so frustrated that she would think I invited ourselves over and expected her to cook. I was TRYING to make it easy for her to see us, since it lately seems like she builds it into this difficult thing and then makes and excuse, like I can't see you because it would take two hours of driving and I'd need to watch the whole lacrosse game and my eyesight is such that I can't drive at night. I thought, fine! We'll come to you, we'll take you out, we'll only see you for the time it takes to eat a meal you'd need to eat anyway, how easy can that be? And it got all mixed up anyway and I'm sure she worked so hard on this big meal. Ugh.
What to do. I had two boys in my car and I wasn't about to turn around and take them home and tell S15 sorry, we're cancelling your birthday dinner out for sushi with your friends and we're going to eat what grandma prepared instead and you can have your birthday in two weeks next time I'm home on a weekend. And MIL offered to pack it up and come with us, so OK, that's what we did.
We got there at 6:30 after all, and I thought she might like to see just my boys first, so I sent them in with a Valentines card we all signed and a pot of daffodils and a big bag of the item we collect for her craft projects. They came out a while later and we all went out and had a really nice time at dinner.
MIL is so funny. While they were in there she showed them all the food they weren't going to eat because of the mix-up. And at dinner while we debated over the menu she said repeatedly, oh, no cucumber salad for me, I have a whole pot of it that I made from scratch at home. Oh, no california rolls, I have so many of them that I prepared for you. Oh, no this and no that. She decided on tempura because it was the only thing on the menu that she did not have a ton of in her house, prepared for us.
She asked if I thought H would like to have the food, and I said oh my he would love it. I've seen the fridge over where he's staying. It's pretty empty, like one can of diet coke usually. H would love it. She said, I don't know, do you think I should call and ask him? I said, ok, sure, why not. So she called H from the restaurant and said, H, I've got all this food that's going to waste because I thought everyone was coming to my house and I made a big dinner and I made a, and b, and c, and d, and e, and f, and g, and on and on she described everything as she sat next to me. I was kind of giggling inside. Of course, H said he'd like it and in fact he'd come out to see her Monday to eat with her at her place so she didn't need to send it home with me. So that was a very good outcome. I'm sure she's happy that he'll come spend more time with her.
And when she hung up I said again I'm so sorry, and I can see you really went all out for us. She said I'm glad you can see that because I really did.
The glass of wine I ordered the minute we sat down really helped. And the boys were hysterical. They had us in stitches. They made sure the restaurant knew it was S15's birthday so the staff came and sang and banged a big gong for him, and gave him ice cream with a candle. It was a really fun time. The 15yo's seem to really love going to nice restaurants. They stay just (barely) inside the lines of acceptable behavior, and they enjoy trying new things and being treated like real people. It cost a bunch, but no more than the bouncy gym party they had for their younger birthday parties.
So I think we survived the fiasco of planning this, and we all had fun and a good meal, and I'm sorry H missed it, and I'm going to recover for a while before I try to plan something else with MIL. I will definitely try harder to be more clear.
In the middle of all this I expressed frustration to H that it was seeming to be required that we go through him to plan for the kids to see their grandma. He said it was my fault for not being clear, but I said I was clear, I was clear since early January that we were taking S out for this birthday, that it would be sushi, that we would be bringing friends, that it would be Sunday if that was OK with grandma, etc etc. We were never unclear. We were just having this game of telephone going on through H. H introduced the movie, and Saturday, and told me his mom was available when she was not, and on and on.
The story I got from MIL later was that she had made a lot of assumptions. She thought because time went by from the initial planning, that we must have already gone ahead and had the sushi dinner with friends and not invited her, and that this was a completely different event. There were a bunch of other assumptions she made as well. The lesson, or rather reminder, is that she does not ask questions, she fills in the gaps and appears to be afraid to get clarification. To me, I'll pick you up at 6:30 and take you out to dinner is clear. To her, because she had so many other assumptions running through her mind, she didn't hear me and instead heard I'm coming over and expect a gigantic Japanese meal hand prepared by you when I get there. lol.
I know that time will help us figure out how to have a relationship amongst each other, but I feel like with these 80+ year old grandmas we don't have the luxury of a lot of time to figure it out.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
