Rinse, repeat, replay

[Raine]

Hey nero! Thanks for your thoughts and friendship. I wish we could be closer too. I feel like some of my married friends think I have some kind of contagious disease (stay away or you might be next!) and divorced friends don't entirely get it. The main thought that keeps me going through this is that is my sons' father and I'll do anything I can to prevent him from becoming a complete loser in their eyes. If that means I have to make a lot of sacrifices so I don't push him into a path of no return, I'll do it. I also know that deep down he loves and cares about me, and whoever he is right now, it's not him.

Continuing from last post about dinner convo with H...

H talks a lot about S8 being just like him. As we were talking about things in H past being repressed, one time specifically when I said someone should have talked to him, that he should have been in counseling, I mentioned that I’m not allowing S8 to repress his feelings, and it’s good. S8 is talking to me about things. I mentioned to husband about S8 getting in trouble at school. I rarely mention anything about the kids to him, and I let H know I talked to S8 about acting out, but that I was happy that S8 came home and told me what he had done right away and we talked about it. I said that was the important thing to me. I don’t want him hiding from things. I want him to talk to me. Before all this, you could call S8 a perfect child. Innocent, loving, never hurt anyone, never get in trouble. He’s still amazing, but I know he is acting out. H had a hard time with this, but didn’t say too much. I’m guessing it was a mix of not wanting to think that his abandonment is having an impact on the kids and that he should be talking to S8 more about what is going on with him.

H spent a lot of time talking about things he was up to, and apologized for boring me. I said he wasn’t, that he’s just excited about them. No talk of baby, although I did talk to him about the family member he wanted to name the baby after before bomb drop, and how I had talked to his Dad about this man more and was excited about what I found out.

H mentioned how my brother had apologized for not inviting him to super bowl night. I told him I’m sorry he wanted to go. I should have invited him, but didn’t seem like he wanted me to go to something previously, so I was just backing off. He said that he didn’t think I wanted him there either time. It’s so frustrating. Yes he will go to anything I ask him to, but he doesn’t ever ask me to go. I don’t want to be in that relationship again where I am his mother. Where everything is on me. He seems like he is just begging me to take up that role again, begging me to pursue him. And when I don’t, he just pursues other women. It’s that tightrope of being his friend, not wanting him to feel so isolated there is no path back, and then not wanting to be with him. That feeling of just wanting to D him so I don’t have to try and make these contact decisions anymore.

At one point I was talking about the OW#3 and said that she was his type. He mentioned who his top three women were, and she was nothing like them. I said that I think he wants every woman to want him. He agreed. I then said that I thought he would go with any woman who was willing. He completely disagreed. I said he would close his eyes and be fine with anything. Which ended up in a joke about he would absolutely not go for. But I made my point.

He talked about how he is the boss at work, but he is not the boss anywhere else. He’s not the boss at home or in other places. I told him I think that’s something he needs to work on, that he needs to be the boss of more aspects of his life. He agreed and felt he was starting to get there.

I ended up playing games with him through the phone for quite a while after we were both home. I’m just so torn. I so want to go and get a lawyer and get this over with, simply because of hating having to be on my toes around him and what to do and what to say, and because I feel so disrespected.