Served

[MrBond]

"I asked her if she wanted intimacy, she said no."

Why the hell would you even ask her that when YOU KNOW she doesn't like you?

"I then told her she was being passive aggressive" and that if "Then I told her to smell me, put my armpit towards her and hugged her.a"

She's not the passive aggressive one. YOU ARE. WTH, I would have called the cops on you too. That's just weird and crazy.

"She freaked out,"

Naturally.

"A few hours later the police came to escort her into the house to get her stuff. I wasn't arrested, but I was in shock!"

Why? I think from her POV she was justified because your actions were irrational.

"She has been saying she was afraid of me for the past six months because of a few of my emotional breakdowns. I never ever touched her, but I did breakdown in front of her and the kids a few times."

Yes and you're STILL breaking down.

"I wasn't surprised. I know I screwed up, but I also feel that she was at the end of her rope of having me in the house and she knew the only way to get me out was to antagonize me so that she could call the cops and say she was afraid to cohabit ate with me."

No you didn't change. That's why things were so tense.

"I know I made alot of mistakes since the bomb. I have to say staying in the house didn't work for me."

It's not the staying at home that didn't work. It's what you did while you were home that didn't work.

"I couldn't detach, I cried, I felt anger, depression, etc."

Yes. You didn't change.

"She just got meaner the longer I stayed. I tried and I failed."

No you didn't try. You should have gotten help and gotten yourself stronger and increased your self-esteem. First and foremost. She was done and she was determined to D.

Her story of our M is only her negative view. Some of the accusations are true, but there are two sides to the story, and my side of the story is a little different.

"I guess it doesn't matter now."

Yes it does. Regardless of how things turn out, you need to do continue to get yourself healthy.

"I know Im not perfect, but when i listen to my W, I feel like she's trying to destroy what little is left of my self esteem. I feel shame."

Let me tell you a REALLY big lesson you have to understand. YOU ALLOW her to do this to you. YOU give her the power over yourself. Imagine if she was one of those crazy people who mutter to themselves on a street corner. If they told you the same things your W did, would you pay any attention to it? Of course not. You can CHOOSE to not be affected by it. You can CHOOSE to react differently. But to suffer and to take the hits is the path of least resistance. I get that. But you have to start fighting back (and I don't mean with your W). I mean start fighting against your own fears. You can do it.

"Is there any hope after all of this?"

Yes, BUT only if you get strong first.

"And why do I love her after all of this?"

Because you use her like a security blanket. YOU need to stand on your own before she will even look your way. Have you seen the "Silver Linings Playbook"? I think you need to do that asap. You might see some similarities.

[Mach1]

Mach1, I feel like I really messed up in the past and in the last 6 months. I do take responsibility for the ways I've failed in our M. I will take from it what i need to work on and do the work. I'am in therapy.

I feel I just wish she would acknowledge her part in it. She's not perfect.
I'am tired of hearing the story now for the past year. I want to take the story, learn from my/our mistakes, learn how to communicate better,learn how to love better, rebuild our friendship and trust, and create a much stronger friendship and M. Unfortunately, she wants out. That makes me feel sad amongst other things.

I've got my good days and my bad days like everyone. I will from now on try to listen to her better and do my best to give her space & time.
And I will do my best to keep a Positive attitude and detach and GAL.(that is the hardest thing to do for me because I have to talk/text w everyday about kids.

If it were me...

I would remove EVERY THING from the above, that had to do with your Spouse, and focus on changing those things for yourself, because you didn't handle them well...

Don't worry about her owning her parts...

You have enough to work on, even if only half of that is true...

As far as what is true, and what isn't true...???

IT DOESN'T MATTER....

What matters, is that what she wrote, is her perception of what happened, and it is VERY true to her....

The more you argue with her about what SHE fees is real, the more you prove her point....

To argue with her, is to prove to her, over and over, that you don't and didn't listen to her....

Stop, take a look at what she says, and pay attention to the parts that YOU don't like about yourself...

Those are the things to work on...

[Cadet]

I just wish she would acknowledge her part in it. She's not perfect.

She did

I just needed the space to get clear, to heal some wounds - some of which existed long before you,
but some them emerged because of you -and me- and what we brought out in each other.
We came together out of mutual brokenness and mutual insecurity.
But we also came together for the most brilliant of reasons.
That doesn't mean though that things can't change.

Re-read the bolded sections, she is admitting she is broken!
Of course she blames you too, forgive yourself for what you did wrong and work on trying to improve for the future.
Stop trying to tell her.
Actions speak louder than words.
Prove it to her with your actions.

[Breakdown]

It sounds to me like your W has spent an awful lot of time thinking thru things and she seems to know what she wants and needs. She is giving you some pretty direct input and much of it would be the same as folks here would tell you. Give her time...work on you...only your consistent actions will convince her of your changes. Listen to what she's telling you.

How do you feel when you read that email ???

I'm curious about this too. An awful lot of the things she said really sting me, because I am guilty of much of the same. I let my insecurities overwhelm my sensibilities and pretty much destroy my M. The one person in the world I love most, I have done some of these things to. Reading thru your W's list almost made me cry. I'm not a big crier, but these are deep deep wounds you have caused (and me too).

I found it odd that you took all that in and you say you want her to take some responsibility for her part in it. Seriously!? That's how you feel after all that?

You mentioned you are going to IC, but what are YOU working on? What 180s are you doing? Based on your actions, and your W's comments, you have a lot of work to do. Time to dig in and get started.

[Spartan]

BD - You said the same thing I was about to. DRM - that letter stung me and your W doesn't even know me. No joke, it made me think of something that I plan to work on.

Your W gave you a roadmap to why she is unhappy, how she feels, and what she feels has been wrong. DO NOT TRY to convince her any of it is her fault or anything she is feeling is not correct. Own your stuff and fix it. Let her figure out her own stuff. The good news is you CAN fix these things but you have to want to and know it will be a LOT of work. Reread the letter, if you fix even half the things she said you will be a much better person. Not for her, or even because of her, but for you.

[dorightman]

Thanks Eyesopen,Grateful,Navyguy,Mach1,Cadet,MrBond,Spartan,Breakdown,

You guys are all right. I need to work on myself and the issues my w outlined.
I will not worry about her role in this, just focus on mine.
I need to rebuild myself and get stronger. This whole sitch has really weakened me a lot.
MrBond, I saw the movie last night. Great movie, yes there where some similarities, I related to the main character somewhat.

Breakdown, your right about this:

"I let my insecurities overwhelm my sensibilities and pretty much destroy my M."

I think that is one of, if not the main issue for me to look at. The pressures of children, money, the economy. I was living in fear for a long time and fear once it grabs ahold of you can really control you.

Fella's , thanks again. This forum really is helpful with the wisdom and strength you all bring.

[labug]

Just a couple of things.

The stunt with your armpit and grabbing her is just weird in the situation you're in. Never touch someone, even your W, unless you know you have permission. You escalated the conflict by touching he, plain and simple.

Your W acted in her best interests by calling the police. I have never called the police on anyone in my life but I would have in that situation.

"I know Im not perfect, but when i listen to my W, I feel like she's trying to destroy what little is left of my self esteem. I feel shame."

Self-esteem comes from inside of you, other people can't give it to you and they can't take it away. Your wife may be blaming and shaming but how you react to that is up to you.

Why do you think you feel shame? Answering that will give you answers to where your work is.

[Breakdown]

Why do you think you feel shame? Answering that will give you answers to where your work is.

I will second that.

[dorightman]

I feel shame for all the things in the letter that my wife wrote. And I feel shame for the ways I've acted out emotionally even though part of me feels that this situation that I'm in is very painful and I've never been through anything like this before.

I need time To think all of this through to really understand what I'm feeling.

I don't know how to detach when I have to see my wife every day and my children every day.

[dorightman]

I'am guessing that at this point, having been served with divorce papers and during the fighting moments w stated that she wants mediation and d ASAP, I should not talk about the R and just Liston to her needs.

I'd like to ask her to not do mediation and D right away, give me time to work on myself and see what happens, but I guess that's probably not a good idea?

How would you guys/gals suggest I proceed?