Served

[dorightman]

Last weekend I was at home with w. She was really unhappy that I was at the house, she has been for the past 6 months. She's tired of my flip-flopping, saying I'm gonna move out and then changing my mind and saying Im not going to.

I was keeping to myself and she was being cold, pissed. She started saying something stunk in the house. She came into my room and accused me of stinking up the house, asked me if my clothes where clean, telling me to get off the bed and clean my clothes.

I got mad, went to the kitchen where she was sitting. I asked her if she wanted to talk, she said no. I asked her if she wanted intimacy, she said no.

I then told her she was being passive aggressive and that if she thought I smelled bad to just tell me and to tell me to take a shower. Then I told her to smell me, put my armpit towards her and hugged her. She freaked out, punched me, kicked me, grabbed my throat. I backed off, she said she was going to call the police. I said I was going to take a shower.

When I got out of the shower, she had taken the kids and left the house.
After a few hours, I called her and she screamed at me that it was over and that she wanted to come back to the house to get her things, that she was sleeping somewhere else. I said ok, but she said she was afraid of me. I said I would leave the house for her to pick up her stuff.

A few hours later the police came to escort her into the house to get her stuff. I wasn't arrested, but I was in shock!

She has been saying she was afraid of me for the past six months because of a few of my emotional breakdowns. I never ever touched her, but I did breakdown in front of her and the kids a few times. I wrote about all of it in my past posts.

After she got her stuff, I called her and told her to come home with the kids and I'll leave. She said fine, but that I had to be out of the house first.

Two days later, she served me with D.

I wasn't surprised. I know I screwed up, but I also feel that she was at the end of her rope of having me in the house and she knew the only way to get me out was to antagonize me so that she could call the cops and say she was afraid to cohabit ate with me.

After being served, I texted her and said we should do this in mediation amicably so that we don't lose all of our money to lawyers. She agreed.

That night she sent me this letter. I have not been able to respond. I feel numb and confused.

Letter from W.....

" I never wanted THIS. I never wanted this kind of estrangement, the kind that makes it hard to look you in the eyes. I have so much anger, so much more than I could have ever imagined. It's like a lifetime of hurt that grows bigger and bigger each time you ignore my needs. I have been honest. I have been brave enough to look you in the eyes and tell you I don't love you the way I should, to tell you our marriage has fallen apart, to request a separation. You never would have addressed what was broken between us. You call me cowardly, but I know what I did was brave. You would have stayed miserable because that's what most people do. They stay in the misery, they plaster over their own dreams and happiness for a false sense of comfort and security...which is really not anything more than complacency. It is the will to give in, not to explore the painful truth. I talked to you in therapy, out of therapy, all the time...and I never wavered. I just needed the space to get clear, to heal some wounds - some of which existed long before you, but some them emerged because of you -and me- and what we brought out in each other. We came together out of mutual brokenness and mutual insecurity. But we also came together for the most brilliant of reasons. That doesn't mean though that things can't change. Marriage is only for life if you choose it for life. And no matter how much you want to tell yourself that I am the abandoner, the destroyer, the evil doer, deep down you must know that isn't true. You left me years ago. You left me almost every weekend to fend for the children alone (when you didn't have to work). You left me in California, twice, so angry at me for needing your help with our children. You left me at children's parties cause you had to "work" a.k.a. browse the internet. You left me when you called me fat after carrying your child. You left me each time you berated me for loading the dishes to your standards. You left me when you humiliated my sad brother when he demonstrated that stupid knife thing. You left me each time you told me to go find a doctor or lawyer like I mattered as much as a speck of dust. You left me each time you told me to get a [censored] job, when I was raising your kids. You left me when you tried to undermine my friendships. You left me when you equated my value with a dollar sign. You left me each time you told me you'd believe my ability to work when you'd see it. You left me when you acted nice in public, but stone cold in private. You left me each time I tried to talk to you and you'd fall asleep. You left me each time you got too stoned to be with your family. You left me when you told me I was killing our son in front of your mother and mine. You left me when I was pregnant because you didn't find me hot. You left me each time you made me feel unworthy sexually because of your addiction to internet porn. You left me when you read my journals. You left me when you screamed at me for going to movies with a friend and our son got sick. You left me when you told me people don't change. You left me when you punished me for trying to get time for myself...only supporting the things you could a possible gain from, like school. You left me when you humiliated me in front of my friends and then the very next day in front of my cousin, our children and hers. You left me each time you called me crazy in front of our kids. You left me when you cornered me in our upstairs bathroom, when you threw the coffee mug, when you put spy ware on my computer and searched through my bags. You left me when you lied. You left me when you locked me in the middle bathroom even though I asked you to move-somehow you believe you have the right to hold me captive. You do not. You left me when you told D she was the reason for our split. You left me when you cornered me this last time in the kitchen. You left me when you refused to listen to me, time and time again. You left me. I am leaving you now because I have had enough. I gave you years of opportunity to hear my pleas, listen to my warnings, heed my requests for help. These are just some of the grievances. But the truth is that I never had the kind of friend in you that I needed, and I would venture to say that I have not been what you've needed. You cannot rise from the ashes unless you've walked through the fire and all your book reading and attempts at "fixing" our marriage have been in an effort to avoid the fire. You call it heroism, I call it fear. You have been too scared to stand on your own...even though your children have been here to love and will be here to love you. I asked for a restructuring of family life, not to set explosives to it. That has been your choice because you been acting and re-acting out of fear. It has only made matters unbearable when all you needed to do was listen to me. I have never been out to screw you over. Never. I am insulted each time you suggest it and it reinforces how misunderstood I've always felt. And who displaces a mother and two children? I have the right to ask for a separation and of course you have the right to feel hurt and devastated, but you don't have the right to hold me captive and you should have the decency to let the kids stay in their house...until we at least have time to sort this thing out maturely and sanely.

So yes, with all this said, I know what is alive and good in you. I know where your magic lies. I know what your possibilities are. But it is for you to discover that there is no rebuilding of anything until our marriage is fully dissolved. This flimsy [censored] we're doing has got to end and I have no longer any trust in your words...only your actions. And they tell me you will not listen. You will not move. You will not follow through on what you say. You are lost and grasping onto whatever external advice you can get, good or bad. What you need is to go within. Find the place in yourself that wants to heal and live there for a while. Stop acting from your wounded self. It just keeps creating more and more problems. Hear me when I tell you I want out. If you loved me for real, you would have the ability to let me go. Your attachment to me is not love, it is need. I am going to sleep. When a person says they want to sleep, don't turn on the lights. When they say they want to go, don't grasp on. Respect me enough to trust that I am telling you MY truth. You have your own. But it doesn't negate mine.

Sorry, I know it's alot to read.

I know I made alot of mistakes since the bomb. I have to say staying in the house didn't work for me. I couldn't detach, I cried, I felt anger, depression, etc.
She just got meaner the longer I stayed. I tried and I failed. She was done and she was determined to D.

Her story of our M is only her negative view. Some of the accusations are true, but there are two sides to the story, and my side of the story is a little different.

I guess it doesn't matter now. I have been trying to make changes in myself, to look at myself and deal with my issues in therapy. I know Im not perfect, but when i listen to my W, I feel like she's trying to destroy what little is left of my self esteem. I feel shame.

What is my best option now? I'am looking for a place to live, I'am out of the house staying at a friends. W is texting and trying to co-parent. She is being amicable, but doesn't want to be in the house at the same time. We are passing off the kids to each other. We have contacted the mediator and i think she wants a D asap.

Is there any hope after all of this? And why do I love her after all of this?

[dorightman]

We spoke this morning and things have calmed down. Storm in the NE is forcing us to be together in the house. Will respect boundaries and focus on kids. I feel a little bit better. Might be able to just separate and hold off mediation and D for awhile, MAYBE?

[Cadet]

Is there any hope after all of this? And why do I love her after all of this?

Yes there is always HOPE as long as you can have it within YOU.
You need to re-read what she has said and listen.
Maybe it is all not true.
However if something in this STINGS then that is the part you need to work on.
This letter from her is riddled with WAW speak.
However I am sure there is much truth to it too.
It is a GIFT, a roadmap of the things that you need to work on.
Many of us dont get that.
You need to make changes to yourself, so that in your next relationship you will be a better person.

I know that one of the things she said must be true.
If you really loved her then you would let her go.

That is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

She admits to having issues that have nothing to do with YOU.
She needs TIME and SPACE to work on those issues.

GIVE it to HER.

It will be the most important thing that you can DO!

[dorightman]

Big thanks Cadet, I will give her time and space and continue to work on myself.

[Mach1]

DRM

How do you feel when you read that email ???


Just curious

[Navyguy]

Wow. That's quite the letter she wrote DRM...

As Cadet said...she needs time and space. And judging by her laundry list of items and how long she's been unhappy in the M, it's going to be a LONG time (think many months to years) and a LOT of space (physical S). Start mentally preparing yourself for that now. If your W is anything like mine, your efforts over the past few months only pissed her off more - and one last attempt to show her how much you've changed or trying to reason with her certainly isn't going to help at this point. I think it's time to cooperate with her.

You said something very wise: "my side of the story is a little different...I guess it doesn't matter now".

Bingo. Let it go. You obviously have things to work on. This is the time to retreat and regroup.

There is hope...it's in the letter she wrote you. But you've got to give her the things she is asking for (both directly and indirectly).

[dorightman]

Mach1, I feel like I really messed up in the past and in the last 6 months. I do take responsibility for the ways I've failed in our M. I will take from it what i need to work on and do the work. I'am in therapy.

I feel I just wish she would acknowledge her part in it. She's not perfect.
I'am tired of hearing the story now for the past year. I want to take the story, learn from my/our mistakes, learn how to communicate better,learn how to love better, rebuild our friendship and trust, and create a much stronger friendship and M. Unfortunately, she wants out. That makes me feel sad amongst other things.

I've got my good days and my bad days like everyone. I will from now on try to listen to her better and do my best to give her space & time.
And I will do my best to keep a Positive attitude and detach and GAL.(that is the hardest thing to do for me because I have to talk/text w everyday about kids.

[dorightman]

Thanks Navyguy. Your right. I will give her PLENTY of SPACE! I will take the time to work on myself and my new creative projects. We both need time apart to heal individually before we could ever come together again.

[Grateful]

I posted something similar to this on another person's line. I know that it is hard to give her the space she needs. It was almost impossible for me. Looking back, I wish I would asked myself which is harder: going dark and possibly having a chance at a R OR continuing to pester her and end all chances of getting back together. I chose door #2. I hope you choose wiser than me. It may not turn out how you want, but I can assure you that the path I chose will certainly end up on the wrong end.

[eyesopen]

I feel I just wish she would acknowledge her part in it. She's not perfect. I'am tired of hearing the story now for the past year. I want to take the story, learn from my/our mistakes, learn how to communicate better,learn how to love better, rebuild our friendship and trust, and create a much stronger friendship and M. Unfortunately, she wants out. That makes me feel sad amongst other things.

Do you remember the saying, "you can wish in one hand, poop in the other, and see which one fills first." Maybe somewhere down the road she might acknowledge her part. I don't think it will happen until you have both done your work.