I don't get the sense you ladies are mean and cruel to your H's like my W is to me.
I could hear my H saying that I was. Of course if I ever asked him for specifics, he wouldn't be able to remember anything *at the moment*.
Feeling loved is complicated. It's why you can't just pick two people randomly off the street and it's an automatic connection. The 5LL's are a good tool for communication, but it's important that they be understood. And the lessons I've read are missing some aspects of it, I think. People have different LL's, sure, but I think a single person might have a different giving LL than their receiving LL. For example, a man might show his love by providing financial support for his family. To simply say his love language is financial support is a recipe for disaster. If his SAH W hears this, she might put the kids in daycare and get a job to try to assist with the finances. When in reality, the H's receiving love language is domestic support, and his W just shot that to heck.
You say that you were shocked that your W didn't feel loved. If she asked, could you itemize for her the things that you did that you did strictly out of love for her? I mean really give an itemized list? I have this conversation with my H all the time. "I just don't feel loved by you." "What?! I'm constantly doing things for you!" "Like what?" "Everything I can think of!" "What are those things?" "Everything you ask of me!" "What do I ask of you?" "Not a hell of a lot!" "Actually, I don't ask you for anything." In spite of that conversation, I would bet a millions dollars we could have the same exact conversation every week. Some weeks, I'm sure we have.
And if you did provide her a list, how did she respond to items on the list. For example, if you said you gave her the day to herself to do whatever she wanted, while you went to play golf with your friends... I can imagine she might have rolled her eyes. If you think you were demonstrating your love, you should be able to provide her a list. If you provided her the list, she should have had some response.
