Agreed. If that were so, maybe we would be the ones who were mad. Maybe I post here just to help me realize I'm not crazy.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
A little surreal sometimes, isn't it?? I feel that even though I have made many many changes because of this, that at the core, the things I hold are still who I am. H wants to toss everything...emotions, values, morals, etc. How does that work? Do you have to so you can find your way back? I mean, not necessarily to us, but to yourself?
Inside Out, The mlcer has to destroy everything in order to find they way back. It's like peeling an onion w/the mlcer. They have to get to the very bottom layer in order to face their demons, accept that they were not a fault for what transpired as children and grow up. They were emotionally stunted a long time ago and that's where they must return in order to begin healing and growing up. There is no guarantee that when they recover from mlc that they will be the same person that they were pre-crisis. Some will continue to have some of the habits that they picked up during mlc, others will be more settled/mature and others will turn out to be people we do not care for and then, there are those who remain stuck in mlc forever and a day.
Whatever changes you have made, should have been made for you, i.e., to improve on the wonderful person that you are. Your core will remain the same, but the changes will help to define you and your core and yes, make your life a bit better. The changes that you have made must become permanent and not a way to entice your spouse back home.
Take care of yourself, get plenty of rest and drink plenty of liquids. Learn to take time out of your busy day to pamper yourself. Always remember...you are the prize!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
This is an excellent post. It really speaks to me. Thank you!
rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
And right now I don't even know if after I do all I'm doing, if I will even want him back....I do so much better when H isn't around, when I don't know what he is doing. I do better when he isn't himself. I struggle when he seems so happy and talking about his new life.
Hopper, that is exactly how I felt. I knew I wanted my H back but not the alien creature he had become.
I am starting to see a normal person in my H now and that we can have a normal, good, even fantastic M possibly. But there wasn't any of that vision when he was so happy with his fantasy life he created outside the home...while not willing to give up home either.
It just takes so much time. The farther I get into this thing, the more I realize the advice I've heard on this forum is SO applicable. Take care of yourself, be patient, detach lovingly, don't give up hope, give them plenty of space, etc. It's really quite a self -discipline exercise for us. And we are learning lifelong valuable lessons for all R's!
Hopper, hang in there. Is there any time to pamper yourself in your busy schedule?
When is your H's birthday?
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Took H out to a very nice restaurant. This is the first time being out with him alone since separation. Everything was fine. Everything was completely normal. We talked the entire time about anything and everything but us for three hours. Only thing that even came close to us was H telling me one roommate had said he really likes having him there, knows that at some point he’ll need to move on, whether working things out with me or to a place of his own.
But a lot of it was hard. H talking about OW#3 and working on a new project with her, just like it could have been anyone. Just as he has talked about other co-workers in the past, bringing to mind the question of has he been cheating on me with others long before this too? I threw in some digs at her, like, she looks a lot older than she is; I was expecting someone more attractive kind of digs. Low, low I know. I couldn’t help myself. That brought him to talk about some of her insecurities she has shared with him about herself. Does he not realize that these are not things he should be concerned or talking about with other women? The white knight to the rescue. He needs to save everyone. Make every woman feel better about herself. I don’t need to be saved. He is still playing all three, and I guess you could throw me in that mix too. Although I have zero physical contact or flirtations with him, he is still keeping that rope to me, and thinks that I, like the other three, are in the dark.
We got into a lot of stuff. His disgust at the half-a birthday wish his father threw him on FB. Only contact he had from him. The feelings of anger, hate, disgust, shame just seethed from him talking about his dad. I have never seen such strong negative feelings towards his dad. I took it as a chance to plant some seeds, about his dad and things I’ve been talking to his dad about. About how his dad was affected by things I had said, and how he acknowledged he should have let him know he was proud of him more often. H wanted his dad to realize just how successful he is.
I’m not sure if I reacted the right way. If I should have validated him more. My approach was more of acknowledging his father was not a father, but that he didn’t have anyone to show him how to be one, and he came from a very messed up background. It makes sense that he was not a good father. I touched on the lack of emotional support he had growing up, how things were suppressed, how it would have been difficult for his mother to not be depressed and be emotionally available for her kids. H is very protective of his mother and attributes his work ethic to her. I think his white knight personality comes from his desire to protect his mom. His father doesn’t always treat her well, verbally condescending, but he did rescue her from her abusive home. His mom waits hand and foot on his dad. I think she puts up with a lot from him, because he is her savior.
To be continued…
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
i agree iwth you totally and it's scary to hear you voice it- it's what keeps me dbing. i sometimes think i am really crazy to even be doing this- certainly everyone i know does. they try and be understanding tho- where would we be without friends?
i run here to keep myself reminded that im not (really) mentally ill to even be here still. i don't know how they get to do it and feel it.
i wonder sometimes if there is "anyone of worth" inside my h - he seems sooooo nuts and his revision ofhistory is truly scary and creepy. to hear him and think he thinks it's true.
oh well- truth is relative huh? like everything lse.
i'm just praying for anyone of them to find their way out of their tunnel and into real life again - for any of us. fingers crossed for sanity to win out - for someone here in db-land.
. H talking about OW#3 and working on a new project with her, just like it could have been anyone. Just as he has talked about other co-workers in the past, bringing to mind the question of has he been cheating on me with others long before this too? I threw in some digs at her, like, she looks a lot older than she is; I was expecting someone more attractive kind of digs. Low, low I know. I couldn’t help myself.
i've been in this position - i wonder too - it's scary how like my sitch this is. i can't stop a dig or two either- we are humans aren't we?
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That brought him to talk about some of her insecurities she has shared with him about herself. Does he not realize that these are not things he should be concerned or talking about with other women?
i don't know how you could endure it- i'd have had to stop him or leave. i try- i swear- but i cannot even imagine listening. other than wishing she fell off the planet- i have no interest in a darn thing about ow- (any of them) and they could go die for all i care. you're a very strong person to even listen).
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I have never seen such strong negative feelings towards his dad. I
geeez - this dad junk too. my h has got SOME giant junk with his parents. had it in check when working & young - we're too old for it to surface now- but per snodderly's very sound observations - deal with it now we are: my h had a nazi father (still a real prissy - self-involved guy) and a selfish beautypuss mom- still is. my h is workin like mad to connect with his d after 40 yrs of notmuch. step mom is dead and he's "got hinm all to himself" - i can hardly believe it.but it seems like something big- your h too?!!!
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About how his dad was affected by things I had said, and how he acknowledged he should have let him know he was proud of him more often. H wanted his dad to realize just how successful he is.
i never said any of this tomy h's dad- but someone whould have somewhere along the line. can it be as simple as that? geeeez - you're opening my eyes here- this is ssame kind of junk my h has - but hardly says......
I AM GOING to think about your post here and manage to engage him in conversation and get this junk about his dad out a bit more in general in life- see if it can somehow help somethign with him- us, whatever...
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I touched on the lack of emotional support he had growing up, how things were suppressed,
things for my h were just being the kid (possession) of two people who were incredibly in love with self- cheated on each other- ditched kid for beautiful other spouses who were RICH toboot (wierd m.o. huh?) but they both did. him and their m came second - period.
BUT - then, howcome my unqualified love and attention in hislife counts for nothin? he doesn't even think it's one thing good- just valueless. he did select me- wtf?
any wisdom about that? how the heck our total devotion somehow became a burden rather than a treasured possession?
and why they stay "tied" somehow to us.
good luck- interesting & pertinent stuff so thanks for sharing.
I struggle when he seems so happy and talking about his new life.
me too - and i wonder when the FINAL ANSWER will bop me on the head and i'll know where i'm going with this. i don't know if i can love him again or not. i don't know if i do but can't tap into it- i don't know anything about this guy anymore. and how i feel about him and where he will fit in my life (in the end).
i feel same- when he's all happy seeming- i want to back over him with my car.
HOW DARE he even be all happy in my face becasue he's going to see ow or with his new (better) stinkin life. for 35 years I'VE been person making him happy- i do not want to just be any ole ho hum person in his life to him. it hurts and it's not fair and it's not REAL (JUST MY humble opinion) i get it- if he feels it- it's real.) i am apparently still resisting like mad.
i'm just mad about that- i am soooo much more than what he is making me in his head and heart. like being in prison for crime i didn't do- his blame is nuts
wah wah- i know- get a grip- move past it- like you- i struggle. (alot)
