BD - I reread all your threads about a month ago and that's when I told you how impressed I was with all the changes you've made. We've discussed how similar our sitch, and we are, so it's been good to watch your progress and know where I can get to.
Mach - Brilliant stuff on life being a test. The part of her maybe looking at me to see if I still judge her or understand her hit home. When things are calm it's all good but when my emotions get going I'm sure I can sound judgmental. Going to quote something from here in my own thread.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Mach, that is superb advice. I was content to sit in "happy limbo" and pretty much stopped GAL. I was doing a ton of stuff with W, and everything seemed great, but it hasn't changed the sitch.
I went back again this morning and re-read the thread where you told me pretty much the same thing 6 months ago, and I re-read this thread again as well. I'm going to really focus on keeping this going. It's time to be me.
Last night we had a showing on the house and W asked me if I wanted to take the kids out or something. I said I already had plans so would have to pass. I went out with my B and SIL, had some fun at trivia night, and when I got home about 1030, guess who's in my bed? W was asleep so we didn't talk or touch, but that "separate room" thing didn't last long.
I'm out of town this weekend to see friends so I'm really stoked for that, and happy I'll catch up on some reading during the trip. I am probably going to keep the Tue trivia night thing going as it's a nice night out. B also asked me if he could join me for some of the wine tasting events I've been looking at, so it seems my calendar is filling.
Had a stellar weekend...really let loose and enjoyed myself. We went out a couple of nights, did some running, and ate and drank ourselves silly. It felt great.
W picked me up at airport and we chatted. She asked about my buddies and their lives, and we talked a little about what was happening with the kids. We watched a family movie Monday night which the kids are still talking about.
Last night we had dinner, goofed off together, some light flirting back and forth, but went to bed early with zero touching.
We are operating more like friends than spouses, and while I think that is what I need to be doing right now, it is uncomfortable. My last coaching session we had decided I would continue as it was, but make myself less available. In reality, the court date really severed all the things we were doing together so while I'm staying busy, I'm not really doing anything with W (though she is still sleeping in our bed).
I made plans to see a friend of mine Thur for dinner, but I need to figure out something for the upcoming weekend. There's a whole lot of Valentines activities, which is a drag.
Last night we had dinner, goofed off together, some light flirting back and forth, but went to bed early with zero touching.
Zero touching is fine, it is where she needs to be. Friends is good, real good. I do not think that any of us in this position should start anywhere else other than rebuilding that friendship which can lead to intimacy and love.
Went out with a buddy of mine from high school last night and had a blast catching up. I haven't seen him in years.
I didn't tell W where I was going or with who, only that I needed her to do dinner because I had plans. Before I left, I saw she was texting OM and I called her out on it. I wasn't mean or anything, but the fact that I said anything pissed her off pretty good. She said "I think texting during business hours about business is ok" and I responded, "with anyone else, I would agree....but not with this guy." She immediately became offensive and started bringing up crap that wasn't even related so I said, "This is unproductive so I won't continue this line of discussion."
At that point I left, had a beer with my brother and then headed to dinner. I got back at 1030 or so and W was asleep. This morning we were cordial, but when I asked her if she wanted to talk, she said no, she needed to focus on work this morning.
When I sat down at my desk, I noticed that she used my computer to send her attorney an email last night saying "let's move forward...change this and this and serve him. Make sure he can't make me leave the house until it sells." Seems a bit stupid since I was the one who requested most of the changes and we have another court date in a few weeks, but maybe she figured I'd see it and wanted to poke me....who knows.
At this point, I am faced with something I've been rolling around in my head for a while now. Do I simply sign the papers and try to live with W as a roommate until house sells, or do I delay this til spring. I had been thinking delay, but the longer this goes on, the more I think W may need this piece of paper to feel "free." To me, neither of us can really move on very well until the house is gone, which could take 6-12 months.
I am hoping W will be willing to talk tonight, because at a minimum, I would like to understand what she thinks things will look like in the coming months....finances, living situation, etc. We don't really have anything to argue about, but timing of splitting finances is important.
W and I talked last night...pretty enlightening, and just another reminder that you just never know what's going on in their heads.
My main goal was to discuss our next court date and D, to find out where my W wanted to go with everything. I know this isn't exactly DB, but I didn't tackle it straight on.
First, we discussed the incident the night before. I asked her about her anger and if she really thought I was out of line. She said no, she didn't think I was out of line, but she has so much resentment built up, she gets angry easier and to a higher level than she used to. Sometimes when I say something she is reminded of so many negatives from the past, she becomes furious. It was evident the email she sent to her attorney was done out of anger.
I told her I had thought about letting her discussion with OM go, but I thought it was so disrespectful to me and our M, that I wouldn't feel like a man if I did so. She said she understood.
Second, she wanted to make a point that the kids should come first, regardless what happens, short term and long term. I agreed, and admitted many mistakes that were made in the heat of the moment. She admitted the same.
She mentioned that the kids wanted to know where I went the night before and while I didn't necessarily have to tell her, she'd like it if I'd keep the kids in the loop. I honestly think this is her feeling uncomfortable with not knowing where I am all the time. With that said, I did tell her about my dinner with my HS friend (she knows him too) and mentioned my buddy said "Do I need to call W and tell her to give BD one more chance?!" We both laughed about it.
And last, I asked her a number of times about where we were headed. She dodged most, but said she felt she needed a lot of time to work thru things and felt bad keeping me from being happy. I told her that 1) we're intertwined at least until the house is sold (at which point she jumped in and said, "we're intertwined forever" which I agreed with), and 2) I'm willing to give her whatever she needs, whether that's time, discussion, or whatever and I wasn't in a hurry to move on.
When I said that I wasn't really unhappy, she mentioned that I wasn't acting the same recently. We talked about her comment regarding not wanting to have sex with me and I told her that not only did it hurt my feelings, it put me in a mindset where I don't want to pursue her. I left the door open there for her to lead, and she understood my point of view.
We also talked about her resentment. She feels like I want to just say "sorry" and start with a clean slate and it doesn't feel like that to her. I told her I understood, but I didn't know what else I could do other than say I'm sorry and try to be a better man going forward. I also said, if she thought there were other things she needed to address it, I was willing to help her in any way. I need to think on this some more because I totally get her point.
She also said she is more mad at herself than me. She is so pissed that she let it go on for so long without saying anything she blames herself for a lot of my behavior. I told her, "with the risk of it sounding controlling, I wish you would forgive yourself. We all just do the best we can at the time...you did your best, and I did mine, and we are better people for it now."
There was a bit more here and there, but those are the high points. I realize this is a bit verbose, but I think it was a pretty important discussion. It definitely moved me more to the "wait it out" side of the fence.
I was going to go see my Dad yesterday and didn't because W wanted to hang out. I consider this a little backslide on my part, but I did enjoy the day and we did ML this morning so not all bad. At least we've got some physical touch going again, and W is driving that boat.
Great message at church this morning....couple of tidbits:
1) love yourself, because only then can you love others 2) your windshield is bigger than your rear view mirror because the past is less important than your future
I also started to realize how selfish I've been. Not just the surface stuff, the things I have tried to change like doing what I want, ignoring the family, not participating in a lot of things, etc....but by trying to control my whole sitch. I had already decided a few weeks ago that I was no longer going to fight the D....I may delay it, but I'm not going to take the defensive stance I've had on it to date and I'm not going to argue with W about it. But now I think I understand why I should be doing this. It's not because I'm giving up, or because I'm trying a tactic to change W's mind.
Someone recently posted something that kind of stuck with me. Basically telling W, "I don't want or agree with D, but I want you to be happy and if that's what you think you need, ok." I think I'm really embracing that now. I do want my W to be happy, and I realize she has to find her own way and it may mean D, and even someone else in her life. It has really been hard to accept...but I get it now, and I believe in it.
