reforce on me

[ThisDayForward]

lol B. We might be a lot more a like then you think. Especially after I get my self esteem back and not let anyone beat me down like that again

[afa75]

Little,
As has been said several times earlier, keep the focus on you and your kiddos.

And that is the awesomeness that is my kid <3

...and having great ones like you do ^^^^^ , makes it easier.

Take the tips and the 2 x 4s in stride all for your own betterment. In the end, regardless of the M outcome, you will grow and become even more amazing of a person.

((((( )))))

[Spartan]

LittleGTO - Just getting caught back up on your sitch. I had my 2x4 ready also after I read your post but I think that's been taken care of . You are worth more than this, stop pursuing him.

So I have a question for you about control because it's something I deal with also and one of main reasons I'm on these boards. Why do you think you need to control things? Don't answer superficially but dig deep. My answer surprised me but was enlightening for my development. Once you know the answer next question is what can you do to change?

This was posting on here some time ago, sorry I don't know who originally posted it:

Letting Go (Of Control)
•To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
•To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
•To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
•To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
•To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
•To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
•To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
•To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
•To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
•To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
•To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
•To "let go" it not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.
•To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
•To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
•To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
•To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.

[labug]

"Little I am going to hit the roof. You need a 2 x 4."

Whoah slow down. Who do you think you are? Me?

I know, right? I think an alien has taken over.

[labug]

About filling him in on the kids, unless it's something really big, do you think it's necessary or is it you wanting to make a connection. And I don't fault you for wanting to make the connection, I did too.

But to your H it most likely feels like pressure, more of the same.

Leave him adrift in the sea without moorings and see what happens, which way he paddles his boat.

It's his life, let him live it.

[ThisDayForward]

lol LA. Believe it or not I always KNEW what to do, I was just frozen and couldn't do it. I always KNEW what things worked and what things didn't but chose to do the things that didn't. Call me a slow learner or just stupid.

BTW LA. EE is perfect for me.

I am also grateful for your input throughout this process. It was quite nice meeting 25 in person.

[ThisDayForward]

Little. In all seriousness. If I listened to people like LA, 25, Bond, KD (very early on) and SO MANY others on this forum it would have not taken me a year plus to attend EE or discover that I am ACOA. You have been graced with some valuable information. It is your choice on what you will do with it. It may come across as harsh but everyone has been exactly where you are at. Good luck and keep pushing forward

[tori2012]

GTO, you've been given some tough but good advice.

When they said, "You are worth more than this, stop pursuing him." They are right.

I know how hard this is, and how incomprehensible it is to receive this treatment from who you thought would be your life partner...but you must give him the space he needs now.

I agree with letting the kids visit him.

You've been so kind to me, and I thank you. I'm sending you a big, big hug.

[littleGTO]

I'm crying now b/c the 2 x 4 hurt AND more b/c you guys care enough to give it to me! Thank you!!!

I GET IT. No hug initiation. No VDay card. No more pursuit behaviors.

So, I'm scared to tell you all that he asked me for a hug before he left today....I gave him one. I didn't read all my posts before, so I'll try to do better starting tomorrow!

Spartan, thanks for the post about letting go (of control). I think I really have done a 180 on this a lot, but still have improvement to make. I will refer back to this list often.

Regarding the kids visiting H....it is more a fear for me than a control thing, I think. I fear being without them. Now that I'm not a wife (well, only on paper, really) I feel like w/o my kids I lose part of me being a mom too. I know this is not true, but it is how I feel. Stripped away...it makes me sick to think about not having my kids.

VDay--boys found out "accidentally--via a phone message from a local cat adoption" this morning that I had been making phone calls about kittens...so I told them I was planning to get a kitten for our family. They were out of this world EXCITED! They will help me pick one out in the next week or two. It will be a nice diversion from things for us.

When H came to visit today the boys told him & he in turn questioned my decision but didn't say anything about not telling him or consulting him (as I purposely did not say a word to him in advance).

GALs this weekend on hold as we are in the middle of a blizzard!

[Tallula]

Ok, I'm 3 hours into my first night without my kids...and I am ok!! I'm excited by the time I have to just do whatever I want. You need to figure out who you are as an individual. Not a wife or mOther. I know for me, I really lost who I was once we started having kids. I pretty much never took off my mom hat, so our R suffered as a result. I suffered. We need to be whole people who join a R, not this 2 become 1 thing. I really would suggest letting go. I even simply packed the kids bags & didn't explain where everything was. Here's the bags. As another person with control issues, it has been really freeing for me. Scary, but good. I use to actually be carefree once...

As far as the hug thing, I believe it's ok when he asks and/or initiates a hug. That's not pursuing. It's what I'm doing. But my H pretty much hugs & kisses me hello & goodbye now. I don't expect or wait for it, cause it can always change.