Soul.Searching my way back.

[Soul.Searching]

The ugly truth,.. I've done a lot of soul searching these last few days.
I've realized that yes, I really did become a codependant to a narcissist. I realize it's not up to me to label H but I'm going off our relationship as a whole, not just the last six months or so. It is possible that H is not a narcissist, however after a lot of research, I've found that the only symptom that I can say H does not have is feelings. I could be wrong but I really believe H loves our children, I believe he loved me once too. I've seen him show empathy, however only truly when someone has passed away. He only showed me empathy for my troubles and struggles a couple of times.
I realize that this is about me and my children, not about H, however I'm "treating" him as a narcissist for my recovery.
I've found some great sites online.

I was back in that deep, dark, scary place. Not quite as far down as bomb drop but it sucked. I'm still struggling with the tears at inappropriate times again.
I found myself thinking terrible, scary thoughts. Stuff I'd never thought about doing before. I found myself saying that it would be okay to be that selfish.
Deep down I knew I wouldn't do it but the thought was there and it was scary. It felt like one step closer than I'd like to go.

Possible triggers.
Lack of sleep
Finding out that H has been taking His GF and her kids to a few different IL's houses. That he took her and her kids to a family BBQ with my children at IL's.
Hearing how happy he was bowling with my kids and "them"
The whole distance/ persuit thing has reached a "game over" H no longer was to have contact with me. Just the bare minimal, business like thing regarding the children.

I think I had to go through the acceptance stage all over again.
I already went throught it and I think I accepted most things, however.... I accepted them while laying most of the blame on H. He left me, he didn't fight for me, he broke us.
I see now how wrong I was. We broke us. I became codependant and tried to control his spending and going out. I ignored him when he got home late from the pub late. I think he tried to save us, maybe not in the ways I see as right but maybe in his own way, he did.
I enabled him, I didn't set healthy boundaries.
Maybe I pushed him away..
Maybe he just rewrote our history to an irreparable extent..
Maybe I stopped "feeding" him..
Maybe I just was not good enough in his eyes.
I may never know for sure and that's okay.
So I think I had to go through acceptance again but this time I had to fully understand, acknowledge and accept my part.


I do know that it was hard on H too, to leave his children behind. It was obviously what he had to do for him.
It still hurts that he replaced me so soon but that's his choice. There's nothing I can do about that now.
I was fighting the "what ifs" blaming myself for everything. I was even starting to wonder if maybe I was the one who rewrote history. Umm no I did not.
I was doubting everything.
I've realized now that it doesn't matter. I know my part. I own my mistakes and I'm working on me. I'm having a hard time forgiving me. I think I have forgiven H.


Bug, there were times where I wanted to leave. Actually there was a time where I'm pretty sure I would have but I was scared of what he would do to the kids. He used to threaten to take them, if I ever left. He would tell me he would blow up my car if I left him. This was maybe four, five years ago. I could easily have became to WAS...

I still love H,.. I'm not sure in what way though. Trust is very important to me, so much so that the lying should have been a deal breaker. I just loved him oh so much.
I was in a relationship for 13 years without trust, a relationship where I felt so insecure. H had always checked out OW in front of me,.. Not just a glance but a full head turning stare. With me right next to him. It was embarresing and made me feel like crap. I've seen him look at his mates GF with a loving look in his eyes (One I didn't get) while she looked at him the same way. Me sitting next to H, watching them stare lovingly at each other. There's just too much, that I can't let go of. We're truly broken.
Now I need to try to put me back together again. I need to work out why I stayed in a relationship that was so destructive for so long.

I've realized that I "hid" a lot of stuff from myself because it was just too painful to admit, even to myself. How can I love someone so much, when our relationship was so toxic.

Honestly one of the hardest parts now is accepting the H has my children sometimes, accepting that he is doing tge whole family thing, a lot more and im not included. accepting that his GF has "taken my place" with the IL's,
I know the last two is my wounded ego talking but it's still hard.

I was so surprised after H posted on FB, that we were seperated and so many friends called, came around and messaged me with compassion and support.
I remember thinking "Wow, they really like me, for me. They actually really care"
I truly have "lost myself" I lost my self confidence, self worth, self love, self respect. I really started to believe that I really wasent good enough, that no matter how hard I tried, I just plain and simply wasent good enough. I truly lost myself in so many ways. I find simple decisions can leave me feeling anxious.
I was invited over a friends house and found myself trying to work out why I couldn't go. I don't have to do that anymore. My world truly did revolve around H, I revolved around H.

This is going to be one long and winding road. A hard and painful road. I do know that I can just get through it. I need to work through it and truly find myself.

I want to thank those of you who actually make it through my long, rambling posts. Your support really does help. It means a lot to me.
I think I'm going to be here for a while.