Ooooohhhh I like this discussion. I don't think I've always felt this way. In fact, I know I haven't always felt this way. But I do believe he loves me. So yes, I suppose it does come down to the definition of love. But loving someone doesn't mean we always do what the object of our love asks us to do. If we did, well, both of us would be lying in bed with our H's now. I agree love is an action. I will absolutely concede that point. But I don't think it's an action that is always what we want. In the case of our H's, it's most often not. This is why a book like the 5 LL's is so popular. My H thinks that he shows love by working 80 hours a week and buys me nice things. He honest to God believes that. For a long time I felt working 80 hours a week showed he did NOT love me.
As far as the lying. Yep it's hurtful and downright damaging. I told my H that I didn't believe a single word that came out of his mouth anymore. He lies and he manipulates. But, as sick as it is, he does this to avoid having a problem with me. I suppose one could have the argument that if he loved me, he wouldn't lie. Except, I've lied to him as well. I've done that to avoid a problem and, in some cases, to avoid hurting him. I did realize in the end, that was more damaging, and did come clean on a whole bunch of feelings, but I don't believe I lied because I didn't love him.
My dad has Crohn's disease. Several years ago, following an operation for a perforated bowel, my dad developed sepsis (survival rate about 33%). He was in ICU and battling for his life, but it was becoming obvious to the doctors that he was not going to make it. So one afternoon, I received a call to get to the hospital immediately to say goodbye. I was in the ICU for several hours with my family and my stepmother and to my shock, my mother (who has been divorced from my dad for 30 years at this point), walks in having driven for nearly 5 hours to get there. She goes into my father's room and is in there for about an hour. She held his hand, she sang to him, she talked to him... and then she comes out. She's in tears but she looks at both my brother and me and tells us, "Your father isn't going to die. But you cannot leave him alone. I want you to sit in there and hold his hand. He needs all of us to love him through this." (She turned out to be right). It struck me how much my mom loved my dad. While she was the one who initiated the divorce, she loved him. And my dad has always expressed that he loved my mom and regretted the divorce. But during the marriage BOTH of them were responsible for some pretty bad things. She had an affair and he was a raging alcoholic.
So... maybe it is that love isn't enough. We have to have people who show us love the way we need. We need people of a healthy mind. We need to have compatibility in values. But I like what Floyd had to say here and it's definitely food for thought.
It is hard walking away from a M where you believe your H loves you. Very hard. Like I said, it's not always a nice world out there. There was a certain level of safety with him. But that safety is gone. I, like you CV, cannot survive in an environment that is full of lies and manipulation. I'm very black and white. And I don't survive well in an environment that isn't. But, is it worse? Nah. I think leaving any M for any reason is damn painful. I just don't like being the one having to make the choice.
