EXPERIMENTING with physical touch with W

[adinva]

Look at it like SM's preaching is really verbalizing his understanding such as it is, and the beatdowns he's getting are reflections of where his understanding isn't quite right in the opinions of those who've been here longer.

Some things are right. Keeping the road home paved and smooth, doing what works. In concept those are the right things to do.

We all know that DBing starts as a playbook and the methods start as tactics. It takes a lot of time before they become who you are regardless of what your WAS is doing.

If you have the money for coaching, more coaching will probably not hurt and will probably help. But it does take time and more than a couple of events to know what is working. Often there is a blowback to an action we try, which does begin to work when we persist. You won't find many tactics that work and work consistently from the get-go. So her failure to recoil and her offer to give you a back massage are *small* pieces of positive feedback to what you are doing, imo.

Your coach seems to not be in favor of your going dark or dim, how come? Did you discuss it?

As an observer, your calm and "understanding" and efforts to woo her back, and willingness to act sort of like a married couple, and willingness to forgive and forget what she's doing as the influence of chemicals and evil OM...to me rings of the same paternalistic attitude toward her that you've had all along. She's a free thinking full-grown woman and the consequences to her decision to openly cheat on you have been less impactful than my S15 gets for talking back. Where are YOU? Where is your limit?

In the future you won't tolerate this again. How would she ever believe that? You've tolerated it this time.

Those of us who were more clearly "fired" by our spouses seem to have an easier time setting boundaries. I said no to a drive to visit H's mom for the day with the kids because he fired me as his wife and I don't need to go and pretend anymore. I told H to pack a toothbrush and stop (irregularly) coming home because he fired us as his home and we needed clarity. I didn't do these things to "show" my H anything or to accomplish any goal other than to express where my limits were and to correct a situation that had become intolerable to me. Just for me.

You might ask how those stories of boundaries have anything to do with my chances at reconciling my marriage. They have to do with me being a whole person with feelings and boundaries. If H ever came back that would be who he'd need to come back to. I can't have him coming back to a me that bent into a pretzel trying to be someone he would come back to, who then has a future filled with being walked on and mistreated because that's what I set myself up for and misrepresented myself as. As I read DB, I rebuilt a me that is happy and fulfilled, and emotionally strong, and better at relationships, and isn't passive aggressive or even passive about my needs and my aims in life, and I think that person is more attractive to H or anyone than the crushed pleading I'll-do-anything-to-save-my-marriage person I was at first here.

Many people here say when you've done real growth and your WAS comes back you may not be interested in the original package of your marriage anymore. You may not be willing to accept what they bring back to you, and you become the WAS. It is not uncommon. Only by learning what your boundaries are, and how to respectfully set them and have them be respected, could you possibly welcome back and negotiate a new life with your WAS.

So I think your work is learning where the real you is, SM. Not the overinflated puppetmaster you present as, not the cowering pleaser and doormat your actions reveal. Somewhere in the middle is a man who knows how he needs to be treated and knows how to ask for that respectfully without fear of the consequences whatever they might be.

Maybe this whole mess happened to wake you up and teach you that.