Wow, thanks for the strong responses, Rick & 2thepoint!
I'll focus on what to get/do for the boys. Oh, yeah, we are going to adopt a kitten! It'll be a surprise they'll love!
Five things I'm working on: 1) Showing appreciation/gratitude for little things done by others (thank you for every little thing--honestly). 2) Trying to really listen to what others are saying w/o readying my own response/opinions. 3) "Don't sweat the small stuff." Really since BD. 4) Letting go of control (esp when making decisions about kids-I always ask H his opinion & really try to agree on a joint decision rather than trumping his opinion when I don't agree). 5) GAL outside of home/joint friends/boys....not so good on this one, but am trying. Signed up for meet-ups, although have not had opportunity to go yet.
Been doing these (except #5) consistently for a while now, so they are really becoming more natural for me.
Tori & ruby, bustin and tallula and whoever else.....I'd love to join you all on the blanket!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
After S9 talked to him on phone I was filling him in on some things & he just cut me off in the middle of a sentence, so I quickly said, "Well, I guess you're done talking to me. S11 will call you later. Click")
Don't do that anymore either. Do you think after you hung up, he felt more positive towards you? He didn't. Plain and simple, nobody likes to be hung up on. YOU need to remove the conflict. He wants you to act negatively, because it supports his decision to leave. Don't give him that anymore, GTO. You want him to get off the phone wondering why he ever left you in the first place. Afterall, You are so nice, upbeat and positive. You really have it going on. Let him hear that instead.
Originally Posted By: littleGTO
So after he mentioned me hanging up on him I gently let him know this was in response to him cutting me off. He said, "Yeah, I probably did that." I felt validated, but didn't feel good that I hadn't risen above to just not let his cutting me off bother me.
Good, you realize your mistake (don't we all after the fact), so make a better effort to keep the conversation upbeat and light. Don't get too involved in conflict unless absolutely needed. Don't play into the conflict ....happy....nice....upbeat....cheery!
Little # 4 on your list killed my M. I let exw decide what was best for my D even when I knew she was wrong. I became resentful and passive. When chit hit the fan I got angry and verbally abusive. I don't like confrontation. So I sat on my hands till I got pissed. My D as a result is in a lot of trouble. May repeat the 9th grade a 3rd time because I wasn't involved or agreed with exw just to keep the peace. Make sure that the kids are 1st and the R 2nd.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Rick,very interesting your take on my #4. Unfortunately my issue was kind of the reverse--I made kids#1 ALL the time and H #2 or 3 or 4.... so our R suffered because I always needed to be super mom and make sure I was/am doing right by them.
Unfortunately I am still doing this by controlling visitation. I talked w my IC about this today and she suggested I think hard about changing visitations for ME. Meaning, the kids will be fine if they visit H at his little, expensive, savings-account draining apartmt (sorry got off track there) and not have H come to house on w/e's where I am forced to either be there w him or go and find something to do (which I tend to do).
Rick, sorry to hear your D is not doing well in school. No child should repeat a grade for a third time...where will this get her (dropped out!). Her self esteem has already got to be suffering. Just saying my two cents.
sucker, I don't usually ask for hugs but I do feel that it softened up the "coldness" a bit that has been lingering between us.
And, I almost never talk to him at night when he talks to boys at bedtime. So, filling him in b/c S11's school called b/c he had gotten an in-school detention, so I felt H needed to know. Somehow that was interesting/important enough to hold his attention to cut me off.
I've always been a sensitive person & take things to heart, so when H acts a certain way towards me it is very hard not to take it personally. The man I love treats me like $hit yet I still love him......odd when I think about it.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I shared my experience so you may get something out of it. We are all different. My brother complains that his W does what u did. Kids 1st he second. Someone has to give in right? Who is the adult? It is a juggling act Little. It takes time and practice. So don't beat yourself. Unless u came with a manual....if u did shame on u for not reading it.....
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
It'll be a surprise they'll love!