Rinse, repeat, replay

[Raine]

Took H out to a very nice restaurant. This is the first time being out with him alone since separation. Everything was fine. Everything was completely normal. We talked the entire time about anything and everything but us for three hours. Only thing that even came close to us was H telling me one roommate had said he really likes having him there, knows that at some point he’ll need to move on, whether working things out with me or to a place of his own.

But a lot of it was hard. H talking about OW#3 and working on a new project with her, just like it could have been anyone. Just as he has talked about other co-workers in the past, bringing to mind the question of has he been cheating on me with others long before this too? I threw in some digs at her, like, she looks a lot older than she is; I was expecting someone more attractive kind of digs. Low, low I know. I couldn’t help myself. That brought him to talk about some of her insecurities she has shared with him about herself. Does he not realize that these are not things he should be concerned or talking about with other women? The white knight to the rescue. He needs to save everyone. Make every woman feel better about herself. I don’t need to be saved. He is still playing all three, and I guess you could throw me in that mix too. Although I have zero physical contact or flirtations with him, he is still keeping that rope to me, and thinks that I, like the other three, are in the dark.

We got into a lot of stuff. His disgust at the half-a birthday wish his father threw him on FB. Only contact he had from him. The feelings of anger, hate, disgust, shame just seethed from him talking about his dad. I have never seen such strong negative feelings towards his dad. I took it as a chance to plant some seeds, about his dad and things I’ve been talking to his dad about. About how his dad was affected by things I had said, and how he acknowledged he should have let him know he was proud of him more often. H wanted his dad to realize just how successful he is.

I’m not sure if I reacted the right way. If I should have validated him more. My approach was more of acknowledging his father was not a father, but that he didn’t have anyone to show him how to be one, and he came from a very messed up background. It makes sense that he was not a good father. I touched on the lack of emotional support he had growing up, how things were suppressed, how it would have been difficult for his mother to not be depressed and be emotionally available for her kids. H is very protective of his mother and attributes his work ethic to her. I think his white knight personality comes from his desire to protect his mom. His father doesn’t always treat her well, verbally condescending, but he did rescue her from her abusive home. His mom waits hand and foot on his dad. I think she puts up with a lot from him, because he is her savior.

To be continued…