Is this cake eating? 10

[NLW]

LIS,

Thank you for your kind thoughts on who I am.

And for reminding me not to lose sight of my own values and principles by being dragged down to the level that stbx and OW operate at.

The doctrine of clean hands really does it for me. I am entitled to my anger but I HAVE to mind my actions. I get it, and I think this will help me to put the brake on next time I run into OW.
I'm mentally rehearsing what I'm going to do - maybe a death stare and walk away. Or maybe a comment before i walk like "You know, bleaching your facial hair doesn't make it any less obvious".
I'm really not that classy person that you think I am!

Only joking...

I get you, too, about the fear. I don't want to show that, and I'm getting to the point where I don't feel it.

I took your advice about his constant harping on his conditions for mediation and just said "I'm going to the scheduled meeting on Monday. What you do is up to you." And that is all I'm going to say.

Thank you again for your detailed and thoughtful posts to me. I'm getting so much out of these exchanges.

[NLW]

WH,

Thanks for telling me this! It's what I think, too, but sometimes you start to doubt your own reasoning when you have to deal with crazy for too long.

We'll get through this!

[NLW]

Labug,

I'm feeling better two days post blow-up.

Very much back into full-on school routine with two kids - lots of sports, music, parties and etc to get them to, as well as to school and back each day. Then cooking and cleaning and shopping and homework... you get my drift.

I take a lot from the fact that I can do all of this on my own and work full-time. I've 'coped' with everything that's been thrown at me, and this makes me feel good.

In respect of what it is I really need.... unfortunately, I think I really need money first and foremost.
I want to be able to pay off my debts and to be able to afford things for the kids (like decent food, for a start!).

The depths of my soul don't really come into consideration until i can get myself to a point where i can pay for basics.

I'd feel much more at ease and content knowing that bills were payable.

Alternately, maybe I don't even have a soul any more. Feels like it shrunk to just about non-existent. Not that I feel like a zombie or anything, just very pragmatic; get on and do whatever it is; be patient; calm down; move things along nicely.

If you get what i mean.

[NLW]

Needgrace,

Thanks for this! You are right.
It's a hard way to learn, but some of us seem to have a knack for doing things this way!

I was harbouring a huge worry that if i didn't let OW know what i thought of her, I would spend the rest of my life regretting what a pathetic walk-over I'd become.

Now i know that letting rip doesn't serve my purposes as well as I thought it would.

But I had to learn the hard way....

So glad to know that you understand.

Hugs back at you!

[bustingout]

NLW how are you? You must be feeling a lot of emotion after what happened.

I think getting back into the routine is a big help for us to work though our emotions .

Just don't beat yourself up. Get THROUGH it and continue moving forward.

I understand the want to give it to the OW. We perceive them as feeling so self-righteous and smug and want to take them down a notch or twenty.

I think in the end we need to live with ourselves and be content with the decisions WE make for OURSELVEs (depending on what we value, etc). I have recently come to realize that H does not value what I value. So it has made it easier for me to realize that OW does not matter to me. I know what i value. And I will not compromise on that anymore.

H is no longer an obstacle to my happiness. And I have to give myself a chance to find what makes me happy. These men. They all think they are the exception. That their relationships with OP are different...that their relationships are real and meaningful and BETTER than what they had before. And that keeps us in frozen mode because we think 'what if thats true, that h is done wjth me?'

We know its not the truth. I use that to keep me focused above the pain I feel for that has happened.

[lostinscared]

I'm scared. Every minute of every day, I'm scared. I can't stand that feeling. And it eats at my soul. I have to learn to control that.

When you talk about what you need, I don't know, you strike me as fully grasping what you need and the order in which you need it. You do manage to deal with this in small chunks and don't look too far down the road. I admire that. It's something I've really had to work on myself. You have HUGE strengths that will serve you well.

It'd be nice if next time you run into OW you can have a few of us along... no one said we had to keep clean hands. LOL!

I'm praying for you.

LIS

[labug]

NLW, Maslow's hierarchy says that physiological and safety needs have to be met before you can move on. So you answered the question.

You're like Mother Bear striking out to protect her cubs. You're reacting from that primitive part of yourself, which is very understandable.

What can you do to take care of those basics so you'll feel that your children have what they need and are safe?

[2chiquitos]

many hugs to NLW!

[NLW]

Very affected by a comment stbx made to S14 today.

He told him that "I cannot come to the house any more because your mother is so abusive to me".

Just like his recent comment that he been 'suckered' for years in our marriage, this one made me feel that there is no hope left.

I have spent at least the last 12 months acting as if, appearing happy as a clam, being positive and pleasant and welcoming. And stbx experiences it as 'abuse'.

Maybe I am blind to my own inadequacies.... but D17 castigates me constantly for being 'too nice to daddy'.

Is this just part of the script - to accuse LBS of what they are doing themselves (spewing abuse, 'suckering' family members); is it just really perceptive button-pushing, or am I dealing with real crazy?

You can say don't worry about what he does/says, focus on yourself. But this latest comment has me stumped. Seems like I am just wasting my time.

I am getting on with my life as if he is no longer a part of it (aside from my recent descent into hell with OW) but this just made me stop and think that there really is no point to trying to save a relationship with him. If, after all this, he still experiences me as abusive... there is not much more I can do, DB-wise.

[labug]

His comments are not the truth, they may be his truth or they might be said to get a rise out of you. Either way, it's not important.

Let it go, it means nothing unless you decide to give it meaning.

The important thing is, how you feel about yourself.

You're only wasting your time if the only reason you got into this was to get him back.

And remind yourself that you can't control other people.