I must have been insane to think that this would be smooth sailing from this point forward. I know better…I knew better….and I have seen it here with others many times.
So as noted, things have taken a positive turn – for the most part. Weeks ago my XW contacted me about my intentions to work on bringing our family together. This was after I pulled back for 3-4 weeks, initiated no contact, but remained kind, friendly and positive in all of my interactions with her. During that conversation she said that with my parents living with me it was difficult to spend time together…etc. Since then, we have done really well trying to reacquaint with the new people that we both are. We have done an overnight trip with S, we text a bit more openly and freely, XW mentioned future-looking plans that included me, communication has been a lot better, we have been out as a family a few times, go to church together almost regularly….things have just been…well….”better”. During this time, I do not feel as if I have pressured, questioned or pushed – I have been content to let things just “be” as we play it by ear and see where to go. That is a big change for me….not trying to see or control the future.
Earlier this week, I asked xw if I could take her out on Saturday. She seemed flattered and agreed. I texted her that I would put a plan together and see what she thought about it.
Wednesday, we spent some time going back and forth on a possible plan for S’s 3rd b-day party. It was light, easy, positive conversation. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I get this text:
XW: We need to reschedule for this Saturday –I am feeling uneasy about it
Me: OK. Is there anything specific that is making you feel uneasy?
XW: No. Just feel uneasy.
Me: Did I say/do something offensive?
XW: No – I just don’t know what your expectations are.
She went on to say that S was giving her fits and she really didn’t have time to discuss – that we could discuss later. I said “OK” and just let it go. I withdrew and in my head went back to “give her room” mode. During lunch I got this text:
XW: I would be open to dinner Saturday if we view it as a time for conversation not a date. I’m struggling with parenting this week and confused about things.
Me: Sure.
Admittedly, my heart sank when she asked to “reschedule”. I have a hard time understanding how she would be the one to come back and ask about my intentions to work on things because she “didn’t feel I was” and wanted to know “if I had moved on” – and then saying she didn’t know what my expectations were, and that she was confused. She was the one that suggested we get out of town together a few weeks ago. I have been content to propose things, but let her lead. I haven’t tried to hold her had….touch…anything. It just seems like a sudden switch in mood and attitude. Naturally, I will be the first to admit that maybe I am reading too much into it right now.
I get the struggling with parenting thing – but I think it is become clear to both of us that S does not like being at her place. Not that he dislikes being with HER….just doesn’t like being THERE. I suspect he gets bored, confined and acts out. I can’t tell her this.
Not sure if this is normal or where to go from here. What is driving this? Am I in a “pre-piecing” phase and this is typical? It seems that just when the path for us to spend more time together get the most clear (parents moving out, getting along together, etc.) she is freezing up. I hear he when she says that she is afraid that things will go back to the way they used to be….all I can do to assure her is to never be that person again….I think I am doing well in that regard. Is this just another way of her expressing fear???
Is it wrong for me to feel as if I have a lot to fear as well? I mean, I don’t want to get hurt again like she did before….I have trust issues to work through….but I am willing to face it. Again, I don’t think I should tell her this.
I am not spinning out of control right now – but I am for sure confused and a little bummed. How do I handle this discussion on Saturday?
