Don't beat yourself up on your impression of me. First, you're right, it's not the format to get to know someone intimately. But also, I do seem to manage that illusion somehow, without even trying. My BFF said something to me once in that regard. We used to manage a big children's Christmas affair at our church. With anything big, you always have some unexpected issues come up. She told me she's so impressed on how I never got rattled, just took a second or two to think then implemented a solution. Internally, I was thinking, "Oh, cr@p!" Another time I was on tv for a little demo/bit. It was live television. I was so nervous, I kept resting my hands on the table so the camera wouldn't pick up on me shaking. All my friends that watched told me they had no idea that I was nervous, that I looked completely comfortable and natural. LOL! To me, it's like they're talking about someone else. I guess I'm so used to feeling nervous or scared that I've developed the ability to plow through it with no one noticing.
I wish we all had a mirror that would show us what other people see when they look at us. I think it would be helpful AND entertaining!
First, you could definitely have children still. It's harder when you get older, because you just don't have the energy you did when you were younger, but still definitely manageable. Plus, you have a different outlook on life when you get older that I think makes me a better mom than I would have been when I was younger. Don't get me wrong, I definitely envy my parents who were done raising my brother and me before they even hit 40. But we were VERY poor when I was young, so it's a tradeoff in every aspect. I don't want to encourage you or discourage you, because that's really a decision you need to make for yourself. I just don't want you to think it's not an option. (ps. My DS12 is adopted, FYI, but that's a story for another book. )
I'm glad to hear that you've changed. That's good. And not just because it sounds like your H is bad for you, but because I believe we're supposed to change. I can't imagine having the same outlook on life that I had when I was 25! I look at these kids that I'm going to school with and I just want to roll my eyes and "set them straight about life." But that's what experience is for. We learn, we grow. What would it say about us if we didn't?
I don't know, is it that we know they love us, or simply want them to love us, because we love them? I wouldn't swear with my hand on a Bible that my H loves me. I just can't reconcile so much of his behavior with him having loving feelings toward me.
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