New member, but, have been lurking for a while; reading and learning. I figured I'd start off with with an abbreviated version of my sitch, and go from there. However, even the abbreviated version is long and may take a few days to complete...
My wife and I met on a blind date on April 30, 1988 - I was 19, she was 16; got married at 20 & 17 due to a pregnancy. During the run-up to the wedding, W's grandfather, who raised her, pulled me aside and gave me a warning. I still remember this word for word because I couldn't believe I was actually hearing it. He said (trying to avoid using real names):
Sometime in her mid to late 30's L (my W) might go crazy. It happened to M(my W's grandmother) and M's mother (my W's great grandmother). I haven't seen it in J (my W's mother), L is too young, but, L's sister T is loaded with it and she's only in her mid 20's so it's early. How you deal with it will be up to you, but, if you truly love her, try to stick it out.
Shorty after this conversation, L was told by her grandmother that; 'If you ever lose that boy, it'll be your fault'. Since I was there for that talk, I objected; and strongly. That was a hell of a thing to say to her since nobody could predict the future...
A short time later, I was in the Navy with a wife, D#1 and another child OTW (the first was unplanned by both, the second unplanned by me; turns out W wanted to have two kids quickly to get it over with). During my entire time in the Navy, I never left the US shores. The longest I was away was during the time I was in boot camp.
During my time in the Navy, we had only each other to rely on. Yes, she had a few friends, but, no family was near by. Like any other marriage - military or normal - we had ups and downs. Then, in September of '93 I was diagnosed with a semi-rare blood disorder which required treatment with high doses of steroids and ultimately a splenectomy. During this time, my W was angry with me, I guess due to my not being able to help much with the kids. But, things got better.
As my time in the Navy ended in late '94 (my medical issues forced a retirement), we moved back home and started over. We both got jobs and eventually bought a house. IN '98, W got an offer from a cousin to buy into a restaurant business. I fronted the money and we bought a carry out & delivery pizza business. At first, it went pretty well, though her not being home took it's toll on D's 1 & 2. In early '99 we got a shock when we found out W was diabetic.
We had been trying to have a 3rd baby until she got the business, but, we figured since there was no success it wasn't meant to be. The doc put her on some oral meds for the diabetes, but, didn't tell us a known side effect was increased fertility. Surprise, D #3 was born in December of '99.
The two older D's were upset frequently that they didn't get to see their mom much, 45 minutes in the morning wasn't enough. So, several times a week I started taking them down to see her during slow periods (the pizza place was about 45 minutes away from home). It also became apparent during this time, W was having trouble finding good help. So, without being asked, I pitched in where I could.
Eventually, I got a job closer to where the pizza place was and we moved closer so I could her more often. We also built a little nursery in the shop where the kids could be safe and out of the way of traffic in & out of the place. We both worked 90+ hours a week, but, we still got to see each other, be there for the girls and we had some pretty good friends.
The down fall to all of this? 9/11 happened. The area where the pizza store was is to this day, primarily a blue collar area: roofers, dry wallers, builders, mechanics, etc... The economic collapse was brutal. I lost my job three time in 10 months due to layoffs. When I finally found a job it was for $10 less an hour (I had been making $26 per hour plus OT). Eventually, we had to file bankruptcy.
In mid 2003, W had a supposed job offer for $42,000 as a restaurant manager, which to this day she has never shown me the letter. But I saw the writing on the wall for where we lived. The area where we were currently living was dying; foreclosures where increasing weekly, businesses were closing, unemployment was sky rocketing. The place I worked refused to accept out of state work, hoping the local factories would recover.
Then, in late 2003, I made the dumbest mistake of my life. I forced a move to Florida. I have kicked myself for years due to this, but, I was trying to keep my family from further financial ruin. It turns out, I was right about everything.
The company I worked for closed it's doors in 2005; the restaurant she had a job offer from closed it's doors in late 2004. Iheld the same job since mid 2004 making decent money with great benefits. Even though my feelings were right, I did a great deal of damage in this.
Something needs to be said here: for much of our marriage, my W has not had a NEED to work, nor did I make her get a job or stay home. It was always up to her. However, and I know it may appear that I'm assigning blame, but, the only time we ever had financial issues is when she actually worked! I am as much to blame in this as I didn't do anything to stop her spending. It was almost NEVER on herself, but, always on our kids.
W didn't have a great childhood. Dad left when she was 5, she says she still remembers being whipped with switches, belts, etc... After her dad left, she lived with her mom, who barely made ends meet. This worked until her mother let her sister's boyfriend move in. At this point, W moved in with her grandparents. Right after she got pregnant with D#1 she asked me if I was ever going to leave her, like her dad did. My answer was 'No'.
Back to the story...
From late 2003 to early 2006, she only worked for one week. We were still having what I would call normal married arguments, etc... Nothing major, usually over silly stuff. We always worked fine on the big issues. Two areas where I had a problem, though, proved to be major problems.
1. W and the kids kept bringing animals into the house without talking to me first. I do have allergies to pet dander, and I thought this was very rude.
2. The biggie: W allowed D#1's boyfriend (she was 18 at the time) to move in. I had a big problem with this.
in fact, after one spirited argument, I remember W telling the girls 'Daddy doesn't have to live here to pay the bills'.
So I went to see my doctor. He put me on allergy pills and an anti-depressant (my happy pill). That was another mistake. I didn't realize until BD - Day in 2011 just how much this pill made me not care...
But, I digress...
We finally got into a position where we could buy a house again in 2007, and did so. It was our only bill at the time. In late 2007, W had to have a partial hysterectomy, and during this time quit her job.
Then in 2008, we bought a 2005 F250 - which she drives most of the time. The same year, she got another job to help pay for the truck.
In early 2009 disaster struck, me that is... I was sitting at a traffic light in my '95 T-Bird when a GMC 2500 series pickup hit me from behind at 55 MPH. Amazingly, I wasn't hospitalized, but, I did sustain permanent back and neck injuries, and a bout with traumatic brain injury from it. I also ended up addicted to pain killers and muscle relaxers.
To say I didn't care about much at all would be an understatement.
After much physical therapy, I was able to get back to a more normal schedule, but, always relied on the pills (including the 'happy pill') to get me by.
During this same time, W was discussing how depressed she was, but, couldn't figure out why. We discussed the move and she assured me it had nothing to do with it. She admitted being furious about it, but, realized it was the best thing for us. I wasn’t convinced, but, I had nothing else to go on. She agreed to go to the doctor, and he suggested an anti-depressant. I would later find out that she called her best friend and told her that the doctor and I FORCED her to accept the drug. Nothing could be further from the truth.
In 2010, W was presented another opportunity to open a restaurant. Again, I fronted the money (this time I borrowed from my retirement account, which she was supposed to repay). Neither her nor her partner would allow me to help with the remodeling job needed to get the place open, due to my injuries. Once again, I was complacent and didn't care.
In mid-2011, W's best friend told me W wasn't happy, and I should talk to her. I tried. W said she didn't know why I was told that, but, she was fine. I talked to W's brother who said he hadn't heard anything, but, she has always talked to other people instead of who she is mad at. I tried again, and W said she was fine and there was no problem.
During this same time, she bought out her 'partner' due to some major disagreements. W never has been a morning person. So, I offered to go into the restaurant each morning and open it up for the breakfast crowd; she would then come relieve me at 7:15 so I could go to work. We discussed several times about menu and price changes, but, she never would implement them. The restaurant was making money, but, not at the rate it should have.
In late 2011, she met a retired (married) fire-fighter (from now on FF) who wanted to start a BBQ joint. He talked her into it in late October, but, I wasn't told then. I knew who the guy was, and neither liked nor trusted him. In early November, I was looking at a job in Texas that I was going to discuss with W. (since the forced move to Florida, I didn't even think of looking at even a different local job without talking to her first). D#2 saw it on my computer and told W 'I hope you know dad's applying for a job in Texas' - which caused WWIII.
During much of this time, D#1 was working for W and was telling me that W and FF were acting like school kids, and not like two married but not to each other people should act. In fact at one point, D#1 called her out on it. W got pissed and didn’t talk to her for almost two weeks. I said something about it to W, telling her I had heard comments from customers in the breakfast crowd who also ate there during lunch (which was true). She asked who I heard it from , saying she wanted to know who she had to be careful around. I told her she was still married and needed to not be flirting and playing around with other married men. I found out a little later that FF’s W had major issues with him hanging out with my W.
From that point on, things spiraled downhill pretty quickly. I was finally informed of the proposed partnership on Thanksgiving week. Again, from my knowledge of the guy, I was against it, but, I told her that my investment in the restaurant was for her, it was her decision to make. During Thanksgiving, she asked darn near everyone if they knew about the ‘Texas job BS’, which nobody did since I told NOBODY about it. That weekend was when Bomb #1 was dropped. I was working on my car when she came out and said she was going to the restaurant to eat, and she had to report her blood sugar numbers to her new partner. I told her I was happy that she was taking better care of herself in that regard, but, why is now so important when you seemed to not care about it when I'd ask (it had been a fight for years to get her to monitor her sugar levels). What a war that started. That night she dropped the 'I'm unhappy and have been for years bomb'.
It took a few days after the initial shock to wear in and for me to realize that something was wrong – with me. Yeah, I reacted, but it was more of a programmed response and not an emotional response as I still couldn’t feel anything, due to the anti-depressant and pain killers.
I decided right then I was going off of those drugs. I quit the pain killers cold turkey. Not smart, but, it was the only way from my point of view. During December, W stated she didn’t think it was too late to save our M, but, she didn’t yet know what was broke. I became frustrated at her because I thought she should have an idea as to why she was unhappy. Contributing to my irrationality at the time was the side effects from quitting the pain killers as well as the fact that I started weaning myself off of the anti-depressant. I wasn’t the poster boy of rationality.
Right after Bomb Drop, we were invited to a clam bake at a friend of FF’s house. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. During our entire 24 year marriage, W has HATED being around drunk people. An uncle of hers was killed by a drunk driver, and that has stuck with her. I left to go get the kids some food, and W calls me to say that I’m wound up way too tight and I need to get some Coke for my bottle of Captain Morgan I had brought along. I usually never drink around people I do not know, and I sure as heck wasn’t going to drink tonight. I called W’s brother and he was dumbfounded by what I told him. He had never known her to drink or even to want to be around drunk people.
That night as she was driving me home, she said she just felt like we got married too soon, and we’ve grown apart, and that maybe we shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. Again, I was dumbfounded. Christmas was a complete disaster. Enough said about that.
Still not knowing what I was dealing with – the way she was acting and my own problems at the time, January thru May of 2012 were pretty volatile. Also during this time, a major feud started with FF’s W and my W. They hated each other; plain and simple. My W accused her of being a controlled female dog type person, and I had no clue yet what FF’s W had against my W.
W pretty much shut me out during the holidays, forbidding me from buying her a Christmas gift. I got really mad one night while helping her move her equipment to the new restaurant when she handed me a ceramic knife and said ‘I can’t lose this, FF gave it to me for Christmas.’ Took every ounce of energy I had to keep from blowing my top. Hurt and angry don’t even come close.
Right before the new place opened in early February, she finally sat down and had a talk with me about what was on her mind. She said she was still confused about a lot, but, for her, all the unhappiness started the day we got married. I was floored. I had no clue how anyone could be unhappy for 24 years and say NOTHING. She said she felt like she’s been screaming from the roof tops but nobody listened. As I listened I took mental notes about her complaints. She seemed to not remember a single good event in our marriage. Little did I know D#1 was listening.
Later D#1 approached me by telling me she thinks W has completely lost her mind. Yeah, there were bad times, but, there were many more good times that she remembered. I told her thanks, but, don’t eavesdrop…
I did buy her a Valentine’s Day gift, which did bring a few tears to her eyes.
One night in March, right after W got home from work, she dosed off immediately. I thought she was still awake because she was answering questions. She said ‘he thinks he’s in love with me and wants to pursue a relationship’. I asked who, and she just mumbled. I asked what she thought about it, and she said ‘I don’t know’. She then said he offered to help her get a place of her own so she could leave me. Well… I was furious and left the house. Went to a hotel, but, didn’t sleep. I was back at the house by 6am and confronted her about it. She said she must have been talking about her nephew, with whom she discussed getting a place together. Remember what I said about her not being a morning person? She was showered, dressed and gone in under 20 minutes that morning.
Later that day, I asked her nephew about the discussion. He said there had never been a conversation like that. I also knew that nephew was working for her at the restaurant and that they were drinking heavily while working. Certainly not good under any circumstances. Worse since she was taking Lexapro. The following day I decided to go have a chat with FF’s W and ask what set her off about my W. Turns out that during December, she intercepted a few text messages to FF from my W that were sexual in nature and went ballistic. I also found out, from a friend that this was FF’s 6th marriage and his W was the OW in his previous M. Some things were beginning to fall into place for me.
So, I stopped at the restaurant to talk to FF and tell him about the sleeping talk I had with W. He denied saying he loved her and wanting a relationship. He admitted to offering to help her get a place of her own, since it would make his life easier. I told him to butt out of our life as he has enough problems on his home front to deal with. I told him I was aware of his family issues and that he needed to mind his own situation before sticking his nose into someone else’s life.
Oh, did I mention that I wasn’t acting rationally during this time? Yeah, this might not have been the best tact to take. WWIV was the result. Ended up taking D#2 & D#3 to a hotel that night (D#1 had moved out) as W threatened to take D#3 and move out. I told her D#3 was old enough to make her own choice, and that we would not be home if she wanted to get her stuff and leave.
Next day we came back to the house, I woke up W and told her that her daughter wanted to spend the day with her. Also told her to let me know when she was going to be gone since I had stuff to do around the house. We sent some accusatory texts back and forth throughout the day. Told her I knew why FF’s W hated her, she denied sending anything other than jokes.
The next six weeks were unremarkable, other than me sleeping on the couch. She asked why I was doing that, and I told her I wasn’t sleeping in a bed with someone who isn’t sure about what they feel. Told her I knew I still loved her and could work through anything, but, I had to know what I was dealing with. She said she didn’t know. Yeah, I was starting to calm down during this time…
