A Tale of Two Cities

[QueenOhHearts]

Hi everyone,

I've been a lurker for a while. Here's my story.......

My H and I separated a few months ago and he went to live with his parents. The separation was unplanned, the result of an ultimatum I gave him gone terribly wrong. After we had time to cool down (3 weeks) I initiated contact by email to ask a "business question". He answered promptly but let me know he was still too emotional to have more contact. Fair enough. At that point I realized I did want to save the marriage. I must add that I have a lot of biased shoulders (as does my H) to end the marriage. I waited a week after the first contact to see if he would reach out. He didn't and so I sent another email with a "business question". He again answered promptly, with a little more personality and humor. I took this to be good signs. Then I made a huge mistake.

Wanting to "take his temperature" I sent a message regarding selling his things and filing for separation. I asked him what he thought of this plan. He wrote back after a few days telling me to go ahead and let him know what he could do to help. Not the response I wanted.

That's when I found this board and began reading DR. Although I didn't make all the mistakes I could have I obviously have made some.

The first thing I realized is that my H probably wanted to reconcile but wasn't ready to talk yet. He's an avoidant personality and I've failed to respect his need for time and space. I have abandonment issues from my past (plus he has left me several other times after fights) so I feel really uncomfortable allowing him breathing room. But I started to think about my goals and identifying my cheeseless tunnels and some 180's I could implement.

Fast forward to today: I think we are "piecing". Not sure. We are talking online only and he admitted to me yesterday that he wants to come home and be a good husband but we have to discuss reconciliation "criteria". I agreed to do that.

I've NEVER initiated contact with H since I began reading DR. I do respond to his messages (although sometimes I wait a few hours or days). During our conversations he's been very honest --something he has not been in the past. I've really been affected by the brutally honest assessment of himself, his faults, and failures. It's blown me away that he's done this introspection. And yesterday he admitted that his attempts to establish a new life away from me is a total failure and he wants to come home. This transparency has been a desire of mine for years and he's giving it without me having to ask for it. It's encouraging but BELIEVE NOTHING THEY SAY and LET GO OF EXPECTATIONS.

So we agreed to a specific time this Sunday to discuss "reconciliation criteria". Frankly, I don't know how to proceed with my criteria. I don't feel comfortable giving him a list of my expectations because 1) that's not GAL/detaching, 2) I doubt he could live up to them anyway, 3) it seems inconsistent with DR.

My idea is that I should focus more on the key problem areas and develop strategies for what specific steps I will take to deal with those scenarios with loving detachment.

I would appreciate some guidance before Sunday. I don't want to blow this chance to redesign my marriage and my future.

Thanks!!!!