I'm sorry to hear that several other people that you know have passed on. It takes time to find that "peaceful place" again, but you will. Give yourself plenty of time for healing.
It's very true that you did start out as friends w/your man and then the relationship grew. It can happen again by starting out in a friendship w/no expectations.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Bit of a story to share the crazy, give us all a bit of a laugh at those vibrating on a different frequency.
During our last conversation when xSO mentioned the GF, he mentioned that it was hard to watch her try to save her marriage and not succeed.
Never bit my tongue so hard - I wanted to say that women who are not yet divorced and are screwing other men are NOT working very hard to save their marriages.
But such is the MLC perception. Heard the same Twilight Zone music I heard when he thought I should have more sympathy for him for having to hide the GF from me because it was so hard to do!
Thanks for your post Snodderly. Hope your knee isn't giving you too much trouble today.
Caught myself a doozy of a cold, so I slept like the dead. I feel better after that.
Talked to xSO last night. He has really upped the frequency of contact. I guess now the GF is gone, he has some more time. We talked liked two old friends. Like the past six months never happened. Like I didn't get a nuclear bomb dropped on my head.
Is this normal? I know that it will not do any good, but sometimes I feel like asking: what the heck is going on? I know that unless he says so and actions follow that we are not entering back into a relationship. Some things have changed, although I do not know if he has noticed. For example, I never talk of the future anymore, I never ask his plans for the future and I do not tell him mine. Nor are there any plans mentioned that would involve us both. Prior to BD I was full of plans - enthusiastically full of plans. Now, none.
I do not mind the friendship phase but it is such a strange place to be especially when he shares things with me that you would not normally share with a person who is just a friend which then reminds me how well we know each other.
Is there ever a time when there should be some sort of relationship talk? Like, I know in my heart that if another GF comes on the scene, pitch black is what I will be. I would prefer him not to lie about it or hide another relationship, is there ever a time to say that (even if I suspect that he may not honour it?)
I am guessing the answer is to stick to the Rules and no R talk at all but I thought I would ask.
I am actual in the early stages of my sitch, and cannot offer advice on this, but do have empathy. I too am in the "Freind Zone" and am curious on how others respond to this. We text and email only, but it is all chit-chat stuff, some flirty comments every now and again. I have gone along with it as opposed to the alternative, as at least it gives me some comfort to have a dialogue with him (which is often the old him that I know and Love ). But I am the same no R talks unless he initiates. Also, we have children together, and part of me does it for them too. I know deep in my heart this man will never be out of my life because of them, so I figured I would go with it. I guess if I could offer advice it would be to just remember to keep your expectations to zero and you will do fine.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Portia, Your man is still in the throes of mlc and it takes time to get to the point of relationship talks. Right now, he's rebounding from the breakup w/his gf and he's still settled.
Always remember that the basis of any relationship is being friends first. I know it is frustrating for you right now, but you need to just sit back, listen and follow his lead if you want him to remain in your life. Just remember, there is no guarantee that he and the gf won't get back together or he finds another one because he's not out of mlc yet.
There will come a time for talks but now is not the time. Stay the course and be patient.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It looks like you are experiencing some developments with the XSO. Probably too soon to tell if they are positive or negative - just things to "make you go Hmmmm".
My H has mentioned before about being "friends" and I snapped back that "friends don't treat each other the way you treat me". (Not DB worthy at all, I am well aware. Actually, I think that may have been before I found this site.)
But there may be a kernel of truth? It may be that you are a friend to him, but is he a friend to you? Not to say that you shouldn't continue down this road, because it may eventually lead to a better place. Just consider whether he is ready yet to even be "just a friend".
Take care of yourself. Sorry to hear of your losses. An awful lot on your plate, but you are strong and will come through everything ok.
~ J
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
BRNR - Thank you for your post. I only have a few minutes this morning, but I skimmed some of your posts. And I hear you, being "friends" is hard - and weird. In some ways it is harder to deal with (I think) then when they are mean to us - at least my reaction is clear cut. For now, my logic in bieng friends is to keep the door open until I am ready to close it and also, I am hoping that by being a friend, I will be in a better position to hear what is going on in his head.
Snodderly, Thank you for stopping by. I knew the no R talk answer but I needed to hear it again. There is so much that comes under that umbrella. I sometimes feel as if the answers are all there for him to look at, he just can't see them. Sigh. And I cannot make him, I know.
MizJ - How nice to hear from you! Yes, lots on my plate right now and none of it very appetizing. I have similar thoughts to yours. We are "friends" but right now I am definately the better friend. It is all about him. He is getting better, though. At least I am being asked how my day is and my plans. And for now, the GF is gone.
I have begun to look at this situation as being in my control. when I want it to stop, I can stop it. But right now, with all that is going on, I am looking at this as the gift of time and also the gift of knowing that no matter what, I can look after myself. Not that I ever thought I couldn't, but now I have been tested and I passed.
He and I were good friends once and maybe we will be again. Right now, he is not holding up my life nor any other decision so I feel I can keep on keeping on for a bit longer. Yes, I miss my best friend and yes, I could sure use a huge a hug right now but I am not ready to chuck it all. Not yet.
You are sounding so very confidant in your last post. Good for you, good for us all. Don't discount the things you have learned about relationships and how any future relationship you have, with him or some other deserving person, will benefit from the changes you have made and your new perspectives.
Take care of yourself
I would rather feel pain then never feel at all... Separated 3/2012 T 34 yrs M 27 yrs
Sometimes I have these moments of what the heck am I doing here? I am learning quite a bit though - all the hard way!
Those pesky expectations that everyone repeatedly tells me to keep at zero - I guess they got kind of raised when he was calling more and broke up with OW but then were dashed again when I realized that he wasn't calling to check in on me at all. So must force those down to zero and "act as if" he is an acquaintance that I do not know very well (which is probably closer to the truth!).
I am also finding that I still do not trust him nor do I completely trust that OW is out of his life like he said. He just withdrew too much out of the Fidelity & Trust Account.
Are MLCers really that clueless? That selfish? I know that mind reading is no good but I ask almost academically. They are worse than teenagers in my view. If I had not experienced this, I would not have believed it. I am still not sure that this is not some excuse to act badly. It's just so unlike the "old" him.
In a way though, his acting as if nothing is out of the ordinary in his life or in mine has helped me to detach a bit more. And that is good as there is someone else who really needs me right now. If he calls, I will listen but for the most part, I am hoping to pack him away in a box and leave him in the closet.
Portia, Mlcers are worse than teenagers because they have the advantage of having good jobs and very nice salaries in order to spend the money on their favorite things. Yes, they are extremely selfish and self-absorbed and don't really care how we feel just as long as they get their ego kibbles of the day any way that they can.
Clueless? In some areas I would say yes, but mlcers can be quite dangerous if they are angry or they think someone is trying to screw them over and take their money.
Unless you go completely dark and cut all contact, you will not be able to put him in a box and leave him in the closet. They have a way of reappearing when you least expect it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
). But I am the same no R talks unless he initiates. Also, we have children together, and part of me does it for them too. I know deep in my heart this man will never be out of my life because of them, so I figured I would go with it. I guess if I could offer advice it would be to just remember to keep your expectations to zero and you will do fine.