I'm no expert but I would stick with your plans and let him contact you. It has been positive for you and he is opening up. Let him continue to pursue you.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
I would go along as YOU planned, BUT, don't be hard set on the date...play it by ear, see what he does.
Throughout this I have maintained 3 month check-ins for myself, to decide whether to keep going based on what W is doing, AND, based on what I feel I want to do. So far, I have managed to keep going, every check-in has resulted in a "I will give it 90 more days, so I don't have to worry about deciding anything in the meantime". It was just a way for me to take some pressure and obsession about the sitch off my shoulders. If that makes any sense..
Find something that works for you, takes the pressure off you, even if it is maintaining your hard-set date of Feb 14th.
my 2.5 cents...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Do you actually say to her "I'm giving this 90 more days and I will take another look at what I want to do." Or, is this something you do for yourself and keep it to yourself?
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Portia, I've just been catching up on your sitch and first wanted to congratulate you on your self focus and taking care of yourself and your family. Regarding your question about continuing with your plans or not...please do so. Focusing on your life without him will continue to both heal you and allow him the space and time without you to recognize what he really wants for his life.
I know that us LDR's find it harder to not initiate that contact because we don't have the convenience of running into our SO or setting dates to meet and talk. But the time and the distance can really help the MLCer focus on themselves and the path they have taken, when the fog starts lifting.
I've been learning so much about my H and how he was processing (or burying) his feelings during the time we were separated and he was with OW. A lot of the things I thought I knew, I really didn't. His confusion, guilt and shame, the struggles with who he was, mortality, feeling worthy of love...all of that manifested itself in his irrational behavior. But he only started seeing that when I pulled back and stopped, not only trying to fix things for him, but also just doing my own thing and not pursuing.
But, I will say, when the LDR MLCer does reach out to talk, do so. Be strong, confident and sassy, but listen, talk, be there. Be the friend he remembers, but only when he reaches out to you. JMO.
Hopper - Thank you so much for your reply and assistance. I have read a bit of your sitch and I must say you are one strong and courageous lady!
TS - I love your idea of a check in. I think that is what I was trying to say but putting a much harsher connotation to it. I can remember at the beginning of all this thinking in 90 days I better be finished with all this not even dreaming the length of time things take or how quickly they can change. Thank you for checking in on me.
Frozen - It is so nice to hear from you ! And I am so glad things are progressing well for you. I do try to drop in. After all we are the LDC!! Thank you for your wise words. It is difficult to have any patience. But on the plus side he is opening up. So interesting to hear how your H describes the fog. I confess to still being a bit skeptical but I have finished with trying to figure it out.
Meanwhile I will keep on keeping on. Thanks again.
Portia, How are things going in your world? Keep to your plans, but don't make the 14th your final "drop dead" date. Things will continue to sway to and fro for a long tme, but you are the only one that can make the determination when you've had enough. If his calls/texts get to you, go dimmer.
The journey in mlc land is not a sprint...it is a marathon and it takes a long of time, energy, and patience.
I would not share my proposed dates of when things should happen w/him. This is only for you to have a timeline.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The purpose of the "drop date" was for me - I was hoping that I could just put all of this out of my head and think about it then. Well, there are some new developments to report. I will hit the highlights or this post will be a novel.
I would love to hear if anyone has any insights/suggestions/comments. I feel like I am entering some unchartered territory for me.
xSO and I had a long conversation at his initiation.
He said that he and the GF had decided to "throw in the towel" just after Christmas. He could not really explain what had gone wrong just that it did not feel right. This information came about after complimenting me on maintaining my social contacts and that he had not. I then asked about the GF (I know, not good DBing, but in this case it worked) That is when he told me they broke up. I asked why he did not tell me. He said he tried but I did not want to hear it. (Ummm, not quite true, but I let it go). I did say that if he felt I was not listening, please let me know. He replied that he had been so awful to me that he did not feel he could ask me for anything.
So, if what he said is true they have not been together for about a month. The band aid apparently did not work although he did make some comments that he would be open to trying again with her in the future if things changed. Lesson learned: Believe those more experienced when they tell you that the OW is not worth the headspace.
The strange thing is that I have some mixed feelings about this. I am glad she is out of the picture but I also can't help but feel that the increased contact means he is expecting me to fall back into the role of "bestie" until he meets someone else. I am scared of being hurt again.
One of the most significant things he said (and he brought it up twice) is that he spoke of his desire for children. Prior to BD neither of us wanted children, then all of sudden he felt he did. Now, he says that he is really confused by what he wanted. He did quickly add that he thought he still did - but he was not as sure as he was. Children would be a deal breaker for us (and always would have been) and if he decides that is what he wants, I will let him go with my blessings.
IMHO though, the desire for children is the same bandaid he was trying to apply with the OW. Something external to make him happy. He said this was an issue that he would really like to work on with his IC. I sure hope she is not too biased, as even on this Board I have seen some appalling comments to those who are childless. In any event, I cannot control what kind of guidance he will get. Although I can hope that he will share it!
xSO asked me if I was dating or seeing anyone. I was honest and said I'd been out a couple of times but that I wasn't ready for that. I said that I did not want to be single forever so that one day I would have to get back on that horse. His only reply was a rather quiet, flat, "giddy up".
What I really wanted to say was I love YOU, stupid and want US to be dating. I assume that he still knows that? Or should that be soemthing I still put on the backburner?
He then surprised me. He said that until he got his stuff figured out, he was not interested in dating anyone and was not looking. I sure hope that is true!
He also admitted to being in a really bad place over the last fall and suffering from low self-esteem.
Although there were no I miss yous or ILYs, I noticed that he has become interested in my plans again and in what I am doing. I believe all of these are good signs. Strangely, I do not have any expectations. I really am scared to invest in this relationahip again only to get kiboshed by the one issue (kids) that was never an issue before. I cannot begin to say how I will react in the future, so I will not guess. I know that he wants me to remain in his life, but I do not know if I can. So until I hear from him that he wants to work on US, I am just trying to keep as still as I can.
It is difficult, though, not to want to jump in and make all sorts of plans to see each other, etc. But I am letting him take that lead. Purely a 180 for me - Ms. Organizer Extraordinaire. He has not mentioned wanting to see me or even asked when I would next be near his City.
Since the conversation, we have texted a few times. Nothing of significance.
No more "drop date"; I am just going to ride this wave for a bit. I am getting better at listening and validating but still need to improve. Been practicing on family members!
Portia, Just ride the wave and keep your expectations at zero. He is still searching for the ultimate band-aid. Yes, he's expecting that you will always be there and that everything will revert back to normal and things will be swept under the carpet.
Your man needs to earn your trust and respect back. You should not allow him to come charging back into your life as if this never happened. I would continue giving him space, listen and validate, but do not begin making plans for the future. Keep those plans to the here and now and it's almost like starting over as just friends....not lovers or companions. Friendship is the base of all relationships and that's where you will need to begin.
Stay the course and allow him to figure things out for himself. He needs to grow up.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As always, Snodderly thank you for taking the time to post to me.
In the past week, two more people I know have passed away. Although I manage it, barely, it has been difficult to find happy or even peaceful moments.
The result is that I am feeling a bit numb and running a little low on energy. Got a quick text from xSO yesterday and he called last night. I missed the call, though.
I thought I would feel sooo much better after the GF was out of the picture. But I don't, not really. I guess I was kind of hoping that someone other than me thought these developments were at least positive. I am way to close to this to tell.
Sometimes, if I am in the Archives (less and less these days), I find a little gem. I liked this one: In the beginning, you were friends that became lovers. So it happened 100% in the experiment. If you start at that point again, then, the odds are pretty good that the experiment will repeat! I like numbers much more predictable than people!
