Back to the picnic

[needgrace]

Thank you SS, I am beginning to know that too... that in some ways my W set me free. Free to grow into who I want to be.

Tori, my recent peace has really opened me up to new activities. In the past week, I have been to a free concert by a very cool alternative band that just released a new CD, had 4 super bowl invites, signed up to join some new groups on meetup and, BEST of all, met up with some other very cool and inspiring fellow LBSers. I am becoming more and more excited about the adventure that is my life.

I have been thinking a great deal about forgiveness and why I have been struggling with it and I think I found part of the answer...

Before, I saw forgiveness as focused on W and understanding how her pain and fear impacted our D. Every time I would go there, see her with those kind eyes, I would end up missing her more and hurting more. Again, the focus was on her, not me, a Co-D pattern. I think it was also an attempt on my part to not let go, to excuse her in order to not face the pain of my sitch.

From my readings, I shifted a bit. My forgiveness work is now on using this experience to understand myself better.... specifically to grow by seeing the stories that I create about my experience in the world which keep me imprisoned and to then let go of the story by creating a new one. When I saw her as acting out of fear and pain, but still saw myself as unloveable and needy, I was still grasping and trapped.

Now I am beginning to look at the story of my M differently.

I can see that this has happened in order for me to learn how to forgive and to work on my anxiety about uncertainty. I can see that this is an opportunity for me to challenge and let go of the stories I tell myself about abandonment and being unlovable ...replacing them with the awareness of the uncertainty of life and developing my confidence in my ability to survive and thrive in it, realizing that the journey that another takes is not a reflection of us but them, believing that this is my opportunity to unfold and grow, growing to understand how my fears manifested what i feared the most... and on and on...

My forgiveness needs to start with me.. and with my own shortcomings (thank you KG for opening my eyes here last week)... facing them honestly and compassionately and expand from there..

By creating a new story... about myself and my M... I can let go of the old ones which kept me locked in anger and resentment and forge a path to forgiveness.
A path that forgives W but does not make excuses for her which blind me to the reality of who/where she is right now in her life.

My IC noted this week how well I have been able to set boundaries these past few weeks in 3 different situations. I think that is connected as well to my shift in focus.

All in all, I have been in such a good place lately and want all her to know, that yes, it does get better...much, much better.