Moving Forward

[BC39]

Any of the things suggested in The Love Dare (from the movie "Fireproof") would be more examples.

Thanks, I will check that out.

I'm confused, Cor -- is this hypothetical? She HAS agreed to no-contact, and you DO have a transparency plan in place . . .

Yes, she agreed to no contact, we do have a transparency plan.

and this is just your brain running away on you?

Yes

I always encourage a THOROUGH transparency plan, with good intel at least one channel of which is NOT known by the formerly-cheating spouse. This gives you, the formerly betrayed spouse, the peace of mind necessary to quell your own doubts and begin to heal, and to begin reaching out to your wife again without fear.

We did agree on transparency. We are also together 98% of the time (we work together). I don't have a channel she doesn't know about-I'm not sure what I could do there.

Please tell me more about your no-contact (did she send OM a no-contact letter? Did you see it/deliver it?) And what is all included in your transparency plan, and what is your method for verifying no-contact?

She agreed to never speak to him again. She offered to send him a letter, I told her not to bother as long as she agreed to never contact him again. She also said she would tell me if he contacted her.
I don't have a method of verifying no contact. I have her email passwords and access to her phone, but is there really any way of verifying these days? She could set up a new web based email account in seconds that I would never know about.

Here's the thing: it's a physiological fact that people in affairs have their brains washed in PEAs (endorphines), and it's HIGHLY addictive. There is an actual chemical WITHDRAWAL phase they have to go thru (hard withdrawal usually takes 1-3 weeks, depending on the length an depth of the affair, and total withdrawal can take from 6-24 months). And the kicker?? ANY contact with their OM/OW . . . even NEGATIVE contact (say, talking krap about them with a girlfriend, or leaving the guy nasty notes on his FB page) . . . has the exact same effect on the brain, and that is to basically "re-set the withdrawal clock" to 0:00:00 again.

If she's still in contact with him, it's going to kill her desire to piece with you. If, however, it's just triggers and your own imagination, then more patience and grace is required on your part.

I understand completely. Again, this thought of her still being in contact with him is purely hypothetical and my mind running away on me, as you said.

What's your thoughts on having no R talk since we "really" started piecing 4 months ago, at the beginning of October? (Note: We actually started piecing in June, but I found out 4 months ago at the beginning of October that she still called him from time to time. When I found this out I told her I needed to step back from the M. Its at this point that she had an "awakening" and said she was fully committed to our M, I set boundaries and transparency etc) There's more details on my original thread). I feel because we haven't talked about R I'm coming up with my own conclusions on what she may or may not be thinking/feeling now compared to 4 months ago.