Bklyn, I was hoping you'd show up - I so wanted to hear your view!
Thank you... I know reacting to POS OW (love that!) won't get H to see the light.
But I don't care. I think I'm done.
The only family member I have who could help me to think through the recent bunch of financial disasters is MIL.
Seems a bit awkward to keep showing her what a POS her son is. But you're right I need someone to help - it's getting difficult for me to know what to do next... it seems so unreal. Every other day i find something else that stbx has frittered.
Pray for guidance and let God handle things. It's the only way. I know what you are going through. It svcks!!!
One moment at a time and don't forget to breathe. I know...easier said than done. Is there anyway you could borrow money for legal fees? You need some kind of help.
Take care!! WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
And if the situation is so complicated, how are you going to get through it without lawyers?
If you decide to wait it out through mediation how are you going to do it without creating other legal problems for yourself? From what you write here about H and OW, don't you think they will now retaliate or look carefully for other reasons escalate this?
I want to clarify, something you quoted from me. I don't think I said lose the anger but rather work through it. I think having anger is to be expected in your situation but staying angry and acting our of that anger isn't. Right now your H is controlling you. Can you see that?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
lost, Your post has been a real game-changer for me.
Thank you for your understanding but most of all thanks for pointing out the Jerry Springer factor that I'm being pulled into (or running full bore into, I should say).
This really hit home for me: "Decline an appearance on their episode of Jerry Springer."
And yes, I want them to see that they are causing enormous hurt and destruction, especially to the kids. I keep needing to tell OW this.
But there is no point. You put it so well: "they MUST remain blind in order to continue their behaviour."
Stbx was on the phone all day yesterday trying to drag me back into another round of drama over this. I did not answer. He left voice mails, but as i can no longer afford to re-charge my phone, I can't access these.
I think he is stalking me now (could be stress-induced paranoia) but I came home from work for 30 mins to let the dogs out at around noon, and the phones started ringing within 2 mins of me walking in. Then he was at the door, bagging away to be let in.
I didn't answer, but eventually he came into the back yard where i had the dogs out and he found me trying to settle them (they had heard him at the front and were barking and scratching at the back door.
He then started on how appalling I was and dragged back through the whole OW in the car park thing. She had blown it up pretty much (it was really over in about 30 secs), but he was livid.
Kept on about me needing to agree to his settlement offer even said i should do it on the spot then and there i.e., "Are you willing to settle this or will you keep wanting financial information?" Me: "I want to settle this" Him: "OK, then Why not settle right here and now. Will you agree to my offer? Me: "Tha's what we are going to mediation to do." Him: "We can do it right now, outside of mediation" Me: "No we can't. We need third party professionals involved_ mediators and lawyers". Him: continues spew... He ended up by saying the following, which is SO out of the bounds of reality, given that I mortgaged the house and lost all of my money trying to prop him up, let alone the fact that my parents supported him financially time and again (and that he took their trust fund money):
"I was suckered for so many years in our marriage".
After BD, he was routinely apologetic for his behaviour and said that none of it was my fault. he even admitted to me that he had "Shat everything away" when describing our current financial woes. And now this. It beggars belief, but it is his reality now and that's what I have to deal with.
Filing for bankruptcy is not on my agenda at the moment. it would not be a good idea.
And yes, this is my dilemma: the sitch is extremely complicated and will take a lot of professional help to untangle, but that will be very costly.
All I can do is to work through it paying for what I can - at the moment I have an estate lawyer and an accountant on the case and am taking my D lawyer's advice to let H knock himself out/wake up to what's going to be involved through mediation.
Sorry to have misquoted you. This is an important distinction: "I don't think I said lose the anger but rather work through it"
It helped me to hear you say this again. I will have anger; I don't think I can NOT. But I can work through it better than letting it take me over.
And ultimately, H and OW are the winners if I let them manipulate me like this.
This perspective really works for me, so thank you.
I'm hoping it sticks this time. I will not be dragged into their provocations any more. I should be smarter than this.
First, anyone who takes the time to personally answer everyone else’s posts is CLEARLY a very classy, very grateful and very caring human being. THIS IS WHO YOU ARE. Please remember this with everything you got because it is too easy to fall into the drama and be something totally different.
I just hung up the phone with my mom who was incredibly insightful tonight. We got into a long discussion about values. While at one time my H and I shared a similar value system, that is no longer the case. He lies, he cheats, he drinks, is too wrapped up in himself to care much about anyone around him, he’s a narcissist… I could go on and on. With incompatible values, it is impossible to make this thing work. Your situation is exactly the same. You are classy, you are grateful, you are caring… values he doesn’t share RIGHT NOW. Will he one day? Maybe. I don’t know. No one can answer that. But right now? You are incompatible and you need to proceed based on the knowledge you have right now. It’s the manner in which you proceed that I want you to pay attention to…
You ever hear of the doctrine of clean hands? Loosely, it says that when you go to court, in order for you to have a chance of winning as a plaintiff, you must have clean hands. So, if you are a drug dealer who got beat out of some money, don’t go looking to the courts for help, because your hands were dirty in the first place. I like to apply that here. No matter what your H does… no matter what this horrid OW does, you must keep your hands clean. You are absolutely entitled to your anger. And I think it is helpful in some ways. However, you must mind your actions carefully. AT ALL COSTS, keep your hands clean. It will help you because you are not doing anything that is incompatible with your value system, which only serves to further erode your self-esteem. It will help your children who will always view you with absolute respect for how you handled this situation. It WILL eventually make your H and OW think more closely about their own actions because you did nothing to harm them but they did harm you. And finally, it will help you if this does eventually end up in court. I don’t care what the laws are or what anyone says, things will be easier for you if you show up with clean hands.
With that said, I am not going to give you the bullets to shoot yourself. Your anger and your outburst is perfectly understandable. This does NOT make you stupid. This does NOT make you bad. And it does NOT make ANYONE better than you. But what it does is hurt you. Your “outburst” didn’t hurt them. Heck, they probably loved it after they sat down to think about it. But it was one more thing to hurt your self-esteem, it hurts your emotional state… I want YOU to take care of YOU. And I want you to stay away from anything or anyone that hurts you. And if you have another run in as you most definitely will? I want you to remember the best thing to do is walk away. That is the best way for NLW to take care of NLW. This isn’t about getting control of your anger or proving to ANYONE that you are a better person, this is about YOU taking care of yourself and not finding yet another way to beat yourself up. Make sense?
NLW, you have a lot going on and all the suggestions about your financial situation are so helpful but I don’t want you to get overwhelmed. I can’t stand the fact that you are clearly scared. I hate seeing anyone fearful. You need to do exactly what you are doing. Make small goals and achieve them. Do whatever you can today and try to distract yourself from what you cannot do. A warning on this fear thing, though? Your H WILL use it against you. He will try to scare you further. I suggest you engage in no further conversations with him regarding a settlement. You want to go to mediation, you go to mediation. If he wants to argue with you about it? Allow him to argue with the dial tone. Be kind, but firm. You will NOT be talking about this with him any further.
Yes! Your H is trying to scare and intimidate you. He is transparent as window glass just like my H. Don't let him do this. I cannot believe he has left you in such a predicament. What a jerk!!
You need to protect you and your kids. Let your H look like a jack@ss in court. He will make an @ss of himself for sure. That's why he wants to settle out of court. He knows the judge will throw the book at him.
Pray and follow your gut! It will not steer you wrong.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I have made many mistakes along this path and have argued with other DBers that I am the WORST DBer ever. lol
and yes i regret my mistakes, but i also know that each mistake led me further on the path to understand myself and to grow.. and to figure out who and how i want to be in the world.
