What I'm learning from H stages, myself!

[albamarie]

My h just laid some crap on my that I am reling from. He said he doesn't want to loose me, he doesn't want me out of his life, I have many great attributes he would miss. He would miss my cooking! Major wtf?

He asked if being friends with ea had to mean he looses me, I said what do you think, he said I already know, I said if he was still struggling with life,with no ea, I would be more willing to try.

He said he has to see this journey through, but he's getting sick of her. Then he said maybe we can all be friends...I said I would rather shoot her in the face with my air soft gun. I was so angry it just came out!

He said he doesn't want me to go in that angry direction...too late! He said he is trying to journey home and rediscover some loyalty, adding that since he never left and continued working for the family, and is not doing "wrong", he never 100 percent left his loyalty.

Then he said he will never ask me for my forgiveness, it's not his nature, he still needs to work off of the negativity. He asked me if his presence here is still of any importance?

We talked about my loneliness...he wants me to be content with the love of family and God. I said I don't have a problem attracting guys...he said no, you wouldn't, but why? I said nice for you to say you have a secret life of friends and ea.

He said yea, but you don't follow my route....these are people of no value, they are empty, they are making me sick and I'm wondering what am i doing, I don't even know what journey I'm on any more and I've accomplished nothing. He said he just can't go back to being a good guy...but then wondered what he's doing bad!

He even said his being bad spew and then said I don't know...how bad am I really, not even the cops thinks so....when I'm caught with a crowd of losers. As soon as I start talking they see I'm not like them, I don't come off ghetto or uneducated so they say your just a nice guy why are you with them!

I was heart broken to hear my 52yr old h is getting patted down by the police in the streets of Chicago. Then he says he needs to come to the peace and beauty, and warmth of home and go back to some sense of himself.

It sounds like he wants to keep me on hold...don't go and do anything or gal, that's my way, reserved for me! You stay we're I can find you when I feel like it, but don't put hopes in that. I don't not want you...I just don't want you to want me.

When he said were here just surviving I said no, I'm going to move on, life will not stand still for you and realize that includes me. You are not giving me anything to hold on to....your are addicted to ea' s abuse. He thought about that...gave it some possible truth.

He said I'm just to tired lately, it this my life now. I said it doesn't have to be, I think your have low testosterone levels. He was very intrigued and listened about his anger, strength, muscle loss, ect. He then said, well loosing the house we were building was a trigger for me, so what did that manifested out of.

I am at a consequence be damned point so I told him, MLC! He asked if I researched it cause I'm so smart and complimented a few things about me. I said of course, I didn't watch the man I L go through something without learning as much as I could. I told him I learned how to react and he said I do very well.

I told him how he is text book, like he is reading a script, how his words were right on cue. He said so am I stuck like this cause I think I'm ruining S21's life. He seems to need/want his dad and I take blame for him not having me around.

All I said was medically you need a checkup, testing and to stop smoking. It's up to the doctors to regulate your chemicals so you may start to feel better. The other stuff will follow as your ready, I'm not pushing you either way!

He said he is so filled with guilt, his stomach is turning as we speak, it does affect him and that's when he has to turn off his emotions. Feel nothing for me, let the niceness stay to the side.

Oh, woo is me....I'm sick from this merry-go-round!