Sounds like you are moving on with your life naturally without DBing? So what if you wasn't more conversational, you kept it strictly business and it didn't look like you was 'hanging on' for more.
I'm sure if your writing about dating then it must have crossed your mind? I know you want to stay loyal and two wrongs don't make a right but what if he doesn't file for D and you do bump into someone else?
Don't be a stranger ((( )))
M - 37 W - 35 T - 11 M - 5.5 SD13 D10 S4 ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12 Moved out 7 Dec 12 At present - Being the best dad i can be.
LJC, thanks for still keeping up with my sitch. I haven't posted much either, so no worries.
I think it's just that I'm so busy with school and trying to get work experience in my field that I just don't have time to worry about what H is doing. I'm realizing that I have a whole life that H doesn't know about.
The plan was that H was going to file this month when he got his bonus and could afford the filing fee. I'm going to wait and see what happens, but if he doesn't do anything I may go ahead and file in April. That'll be 2 years after BD.
That's not to say that I wouldn't consider giving H another chance if he broke up with OW and said that he was willing to do whatever it took to make things work, including Retrouvaille. But I've stopped expecting a miracle.
For the first year and a half I had hope that he'd change his mind, especially because he kept telling me he was confused and he continued contact with me.
But since this latest OW, in September, he's pretty much cut off contact, except for a few times when he calls and says he's conflicted. I think I'm ready for him to know that I'm really not waiting around for him to change his mind.
I'm ready for a fresh start, with H or without. But, unlike H, I want to be D before I start dating, or at least in the process.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
On another thread, busting out posted "she is irrelevant to my sitch with my R. I have heard that 100 times before of course here on the boards, but it sank in for some reason. I don't care about her. She is meaningless to me and to whatever R I create with my H. I can see how she is an obstacle to him coming back to the family, but she is not an obstacle to me anymore. I am the better choice, I know that now, and if H chooses to see that, great. And if not, his loss."
I just had to copy that here so that I can keep it in mind. I know it's true, but sometimes I still get annoyed that H will do stuff for OW that he'd never do for me. I am better than her and don't need to waste any more time thinking about her.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Thanks SBR I really needed that reminder as well. It is the stuff they do for or with them that is the most infuriating, but I have to remove her from my R with H or there won't be one at all, especially since he's asking for one.
Stay true!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Yesterday was a great day. I woke up to the news that SS11 will be moving back to Texas with his mom and sister by the end of March. I didn't think they'd be here until the summer and I wasn't sure if it was really going to happen.
I spent a few hours in the evening volunteering for a reception for a library association. I got to meet two MLS students from another university and pretty much hang out with professionals. Since we all take our classes online, it's a great treat to meet someone in person. And to thank us for our "hard work" we were given a Starbucks gift card. Perfect for poor, tired grad students.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Another thing I remembered from last night. One of the other students and I were discussing family get togethers and somehow I mentioned that I was separated. She matter of factly said "well, these things sometimes happen. Either you'll work it out or you'll find someone else."
I decided to take it as a sign that I'll be okay no matter what. I'm going to focus on what I can control, like trying to make it through this semester.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Earlier today I sent H a short email telling him I'd requested the insurance money and had done my part of our taxes. I briefly asked about his bonus (since he said he'd pay his debts, his taxes, and file for D with that money) and said I hope he was doing well. I mentioned that I heard SS11 was moving back and I'm sure H was excited about that.
I really didn't expect to hear anything, but a little before 11pm, H called. I decided to answer even though I wasn't sure what I was going to hear.
We spoke for over an hour, but here's the gist of it.
H mentioned that he'd probably get in trouble with OW for calling me, but he didn't really care. (I've heard that before, so I don't even pay attention.) OW is extremely jealous of me and doesn't want H to see me at all, so when he brings me the tax forms she wants to go with him.
I told him he could mail the forms or scan/email them, but I had no intention of ever seeing her, nor did I need to. I just need the forms and there are plenty of ways to get them to me.
H stated his bonus was coming in march and then i'd get the D I want so I can move on. I told him that wasn't what I wanted, but if H didn't want to be my H or work on things, then he needed to do that so I would be free to find someone who wanted to.
He said several times that he's confused, he's sure I've moved on, and that he really appreciates how respectful I always was to him and how I did my best to show him he was loved.
From what I can tell, OW isn't good at that, but she's been using him since May, so that's not a surprise to me. That he thought if he just moved on and tried to put everything past him he could forget about us, but even though he tries, his memories still keep coming back and he wonders "what if?"
I was very quiet during most of the call and let him be the one to ask all the questions. he said he missed a lot of things about me, but knew that our incompatibility and other issues led him to where he was today. I told him that if he was happy with where he was, then that was good.
He said he was confused and didn't know. And asked if I was happy where I was. I told him that I hadn't made the choice to be where i was, but that's where I am so I'm making the most of it.
At one point he said, "well, turn it around. if i said that I wanted to come back and work on things do you think you could just move on and do that?"
I told him that it wouldn't be easy, but if he truly was committed to working on our M and would give up OW and her friends, I would try. He asked why I'd do that if there were so many other people in the world who might be better for me. I simply said "because i chose you."
He said he thought it was too late because my family hates him, my friends don't like him and he wouldn't be accepted.
I told him that my family doesn't hate him. With my parents' divorce they have no room to talk even if they did. I said I hadn't said anything bad about him to my friends. That my friends love me and know i'm a smart person, so if I chose to work on things, they'd accept it and him. And if they didn't, they aren't really my friends.
I thought of all of us on here who are genuinely happy when a MLC/WAS chooses to try again. We know it's not easy, but we wish them the best and will support the LBS as best we can.
It was an interesting conversation, but i'm not getting my hopes up. Vday is just around the corner and I'm smart enough to stay off fb so I don't accidentally see any communications on there.
H just thought that somehow he could leave and forget all about us and the last seven years. And he's realizing it's not so easy to do. And I really think OW is just reminding him of how "not crazy" I was. Because I'm not calling, texting, emailing all the time. And she's worried about him seeing me when I'm happy to get everything electronically and not see him.
I want us both to be happy. And if he's happier without me, then go ahead and file so we're both free to move on. Or choose to work on things. Either way I'll be ok.
I tried to validate, but I didn't want it to seem like I'd wait around forever, because I don't think I can or want to. I think he wants me to have moved on, because then he doesn't have to think about whether he wants to work on us-his decision has been made for him.
This is so confusing. I can't make up his mind for him, either way, so I'm going to try to get some sleep. He could have easily covered the tax sitch/bonus by text or email, but he chose to call instead. Not sure exactly why and I'll never know. I may still love him, but I'll never truly understand him.
Oh well, I've actually got an event tomorrow and a ton of schoolwork to do, so I need my rest.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Sounds like you did a good job at keeping it cool and relaxed. I get the impression he was doing a bit of temperature checking? But by the sounds of it your responses were good!
Ref 'he wants you to move on' - I remember when I met my W and we started going out. Looking back she was a WAS (not married) and all she kept on saying was 'I just want him to meet someone else' I can now here my W saying the exact same sentence to someone else and think its a way of releasing some guilt? I'm not going to meet someone else until she confirms OM and files.
Keep going, sounds like your schoolwork is an excellent GAL activity and is clearing your head
(((())))
M - 37 W - 35 T - 11 M - 5.5 SD13 D10 S4 ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12 Moved out 7 Dec 12 At present - Being the best dad i can be.
LJC-you're right, it definitely seems like temp checking. In previous conversations, all months ago, he'd say he missed me, but didn't want me to get any ideas and this time he just kept asking me questions.
And as you've seen from my posts, it's very tough for me to be quiet and not say too much, so I was proud of myself for not always needing to respond.
I'm not expecting any major changes and although I think OW will be gone soon, there's a good chance another will take her place. I just feel a little more confident that H will eventually realize I'm the better option, even if he does figure it out too late.
I'm just going to live my life and see what happens. Like you, LJC, I'm not looking to meet anyone, at least not until papers have been filed. And with his bonus delayed yet again, he's given himself another month until he plans to file.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
SBR-I think you handled that phone call very well. You had some really great answers and left him with a little mystery. I have been trying very hard to give those same kind of honest answers without sounding like I'm blaming or pursuing.
It's sounds like your not letting ow dictate how you communicate with your h, it's time her a$$ does a little squirming
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
