Oh this is so hard. A week ago today we were all together, hanging out, another busy day winding down. Little did we know that it was our last day together. Wow. My husband left abruptly last Thursday after confessing an affair. On Monday he said it was our friend and across-the-street neighbor. He has been staying there ever since Sunday night, at the request of the OW. He has another place to stay for free (my mom's empty home)but he chooses to stay there.
My S8 has been asking repeatedly where daddy is staying. He obviously does not know about the affair, but my psychologist friend said that it would serve no purpose of them knowing, and it would prove potentially harmful. The idea of introducing a new woman into their lives so soon could be devastating especially if they perceived this as an attempt to replace their mother. The boys should be treated for their trauma with sensitivity and great care.
I have decided to take the high road. I told H that I wanted to adjust some of my boundaries to allow him greater access to the boys during these early days. I said we would see how it goes, because they can be very reluctant to spend time with him, say goodnight--they are very upset...and hurt...understandably. S5 says it hurts to smile anymore and S8 is opening up more about his feelings of despair--and asking where Daddy is.
I told H that I didn't like being put in the position to lie to the boys. That it could be very hurtful to know that daddy moved into their friend's home wouldn't want them to wonder--why did Daddy leave to live with another little boy? Today we saw H and S8 asked 4 times where he was staying. He lied or ignored the question each time.
I had a word with him. He agreed with everything I said, and said that he would seriously consider my request to move. I am not happy with the very real possibility that the boys see him or his car. Our houses literally face each other.
I told him that I was establishing a positive coparenting relationship with him despite having been through a LOT recently--the affair, the lies, and my total lack of trust and respect in him as a person....and now he chooses the OW over the emotional health of his children. I have even less respect for him and the "loving father" he claims to be.
This is SO HARD. I know that I should detach and stop trying to control/protect him...but when the casualty are my SONS, I do hesitate. They are dealing with enough now, and despite everything, I want their relationship with their father not to suffer any further.
