I get agitated everytime XH emails me, or he's in the driveway for 5 minutes longer than I want him to be, or just by seeing his tire marks in the driveway. His presence can really rattle my cage.
Why, I ask myself? Everything he's going is harmless... at face value it is.
But to me, it's all a matter of trust. Just for me to be civil to the man represents me having to LET MY GUARD DOWN, and if I do that, Im completely vulnerable to getting hurt and burned again.
Honestly whenever I hear from him my inner defenses go off and scream LOOK OUT HE'S GOING TO START THROWING FLAMING ARROWS AGAIN, RUN FOR COVER.
Wow. I've spent every living day since BD trying to just survive this. Now im in the position of thriving, and getting in touch with things much deeper.
That man really did burn me. I've never felt this sort of fear with anyone else not even my step dad.
Hmmmm. Well better dive back into Gary Zukav and see what this all means. I get the fear part, I just want to know how to heal this. It's really hard that with XH I have to act completely opposite of who I am. Im trusting, easy going, and friendly. With him Im very guarded and non trusting, and scared.
