EXPERIMENTING with physical touch with W

[SM34]

Adinva, AnotherStander, MrBond and 25, thank you so much for your positive words of encouragement. i would like to answer some of your questions, as well as comment on things you said so that you guys can help me further.

This post will contain things about my W, but only because the questions you all asked refer to her, and NOT because I am CODEPENDENT or obsessed =). So here goes....

Adinva wrote:

I'm impressed with the way that you argue and fuss and write and write and sometimes listen. Because the guys that come here, who say one thing, get some flak, and come right back on in the next breath saying "you're right!!! I've learned!!! I've got it now!!!" are honestly not going to get anything out of this. You might.

Thank you! I'm sorry i argue sometimes, but I'm a passionate about what I believe, and I consider myself to be intelligent so I like to think, and argue, and twist the point =). My father always says I should have been an attorney. Of course, I am trying to bench this approach so I can learn as much as possible from all of you. Please bare with me.

Adinva wrote:

You're probably not the best candidate for a big brother bc you have a 3yo you are already challenged to get home by 5:30

Yes I think you are right. AnotherStander and 25 also made the same comment. I wouldn't want to take time away from my D3 which is why GAL has been difficult. Also, 25 is right, I don't want W to think I would have rather had a son. Funny enough, I was always happy to have a girl. My W is the one that wanted a boy! She was a little upset, and even said one time "I don't want a girl" when she was pregnant. I told her just you wait until she is born, you will love her more than life itself. And I was right...

Adinva said:

In the end, in my opinion, the only way you aren't in the "friends" category is you refuse to be cuckolded by your W. You move her out of your bedroom and you set some boundaries about how you will be treated in your own home (some of which I believe you have been doing).

Again, you are spot on. My W has never spent a night on our bedroom with me. In fact, she said she is sleeping on the couch the day BEFORE BD and thats when I knew something was wrong. She spent two nights in our bed recently and I slept in the guest room, but only because she was very sick and I wanted her to get a decent nights sleep (we have a kick ass tempurpedic king mattress and the guest room has a crappy futon). Once she felt better, I took over the bed again =).

I have set some boundaries and I refer to the house as "My house" which is completely out of character for me. I'm just about the most selfless person you will every meet.

As far as money, i give my W money to do ALL the usual house stuff, and pay for her dinners, give her money to take D3 out and buy her clothes etc.. but I draw the line at money for trips to OM. We have a drawer where I put our cash, and I always know how much is in there. The last time she went to OM, I found that $40 was missing. I didn't message her and thought I would wait until she got back and confront her. When she walked in the door, before I said anything, she took out the $40 and said "Here is the money, I didn't use any of it. It was just in case of emergency".

I don't want to sound naiive but my wife is really a good person. I would not be hanging around trying to fix this if she wasn't. I read many people's sitch and think wow he needs to dump her ass! But my wife really is respectful of how hurtful this is for me. She is warming up to me big time now and I almost feel she is beginning to regret what she is doing. But I don't want to get a head of myself. I read an excellent response by someone on a different thread when asked my the LBS if they were doing the right thing by trying to save the M. the answer was "Is your wife a good person who is doing something bad, or a bad person doing something bad?". I believe my W is a good person who is thoroughly confused and does not see that she has a big hand in her own happiness, and that other people cannot bring you happiness. She has had this issue her whole life according to my MIL. She needs to learn that each person is responsible for their own happiness, and once you are a happy person you will have a happy life. And also your husband will react differently to you =). Yes I haven't forgotten I need to change some things too of course, just explaining why i give her so much slack for what she is doing to me.

AnotherStander said:

Being a Big Brother is a HUGE commitment and if you change your mind later or find yourself too busy then you will really crush a young boy's hopes.

Yes I would HATE to put a little boy through that. Plus as you can all tell, I am an extremely loyal person and I will go many extra miles to please. So if I couldn't come through for a little boy I would be crushed. Best to leave that alone until I am in a better place in my life. Definitely on my to do list for later in life though. As is adopting a child! I SOOO want to adopy a child one day...so does my wife. Hopefully we can recover our relationship so we can carry out our dream one day.

MrBond said:

IMHO, I think you need to slow down. Take it slow on the GAL.

I think you are right. But I really want to meet new people because honestly it is sad that I have no friends. I'm a great guy and I'm fun to be around. The friendships i have had throughout my life have been awesome, and I still have friends who are thousands of miles away who still call and contact me because I was special in their life.

Also, I feel like my W is almost waiting for this to happen!! Its weird, and I will comment on this in my next post because I want to answer everyone's questions first. But please do read my next post and see if it sounds crazy.

25 said:

As for the sex, it's ironic that you did Not want it so much before...and now it's on your mind so much.

25 don't make fun of me! =). It really wasn't like that. As I said before, I was a once or twice a week person, and my wife was an every day or every other day person. I really couldn't go one whole week without the warm embrace of my wife! Now it has been 2.5 months and it is crazy how much I miss it (with her). But 2.5 months is much MUCH longer than one week... my sex drive wasn't THAT bad guys...

25 said:

What if OM bores her and then she wants another man, again? How many will you tolerate before you act?

This an interesting question, and the answer in my opinion goes back to the point I made before about W being confused. I would NOT, absolutely no way, tolerate another OM. There is no way, and i she will be out before she has finished telling me about it! The thing is my W has not had any other relationships with anyone in her life (except me). I'm not excusing what she is doing, but there is almost a sense in my mind that she needs to get this doubt out of her system if we can have a loving marriage for the 40 or so years we have left on this planet. Or, if not, then we separate now. I can't go my whole life with someone who feels they didn't get to experience life, and think maybe there is someone else who is better for them.

2.5 years ago she was at her friends wedding (OM's brother and sister in law's wedding) and she met the now OM. I could not make it to the wedding because I had family from overseas who had flown to USA for my daughters 1st birthday. When W came back she said she had a lot of fun and she met Bob
's brother (we will call him Bob). She said Bob's brother is a really call guy. he is just like you! he is a nerdy, techie guy like you, and you would really get a long with him. I didn't think anything of it, and there was nothing else that night. But obviously my W had a little crush on him somehow.

So, now that he is single, he reached out to her. Because we are in a bad place with the stresses of D3, finances etc.. ( no need to go through them all again, you all know)... W opens up to him and quickly finds herself in an EA.

It probably sounds weird but this is the ONLY guy she has ever mentioned being "cool, and just like me". because she has always said there is NO ONE like me or could even come close. So I feel that if (or when) this relationship collapses, she will learn many things from this experience. The most important one for her is that she has to bring herself her own happiness. The important lesson for our marriage, is that we have something special and even when she took a risk and put her whole life on the line, she couldn't find anything close to what we have together. At that point I would say she would be done with looking for someone else.

People who know me say that I am an "old soul" and so even though I met her when I was 20 and many in my situation would feel they haven't gotten to live their life either, i do not have those feelings. A lot of guys would take this opportunity to scr$w anything that moves at this point, to make up for 14 years of monogamy. But I like to think I am wise, and I know there is nothing better out there. I may find a very nice woman, and if need be I WILL find a very nice woman. But what would make me feel that my life would be any better? I don't wait for my W to bring me happiness. I am a driven, business type person and I get satisfaction out of succeeding in my ventures, and having a beautiful family. My wife looks for happiness externally and that is a dangerous thing which she must get over if she is to be happy in life (with or without me).

25 said:

Do you honestly feel if she returned home tomorrow and said "Okay I'm back. Let's not talk about OM, but let's stay m b/c now I am willing to be w/you...

No absolutely not! There would be SO much we would need to talk about and get out in the open. She would need to learn to trust that her husband loves her and that she we are blessed to have each other and our beautiful daughter. She would need to learn to bring herself happiness, through a career, or hobbies, or reading or something. ... She has always told me "I don't have anything to look forward to everyday like you do". This was about the fact that I have my own business. I tried to help her set up her own business but she didn't want to be expected to contribute money to our life. I tried to make her a stay at home mom, but she was not honest enough to me and herself, that this was not fulfilling for her.


In short, what she is going through is a battle with her inner self, not with me. Its almost like a mid life crisis I guess. She is the only one who can confront those thoughts she has about what her purpose in life is, and why she is not happy deep inside. She thinks it is because of me, and that OM makes her feel incredible, but she can't let go of me or what we have. I have to let her learn this lesson, the hard way unfortunately. And i love her enough to stay out of the way of her learning because it is the only hope we have of spending the remainder of our long life and potential M as a happy couple. Again, of course I have things that I need to work on to make myself a better husband for her, but most of this sitch is caused by her inner demons. her mom has said she could see this coming because W complained to her before that her life was not fulfilling.

I think I answered the questions so that perhaps that will help you all understand where I am in my life. It is not so much that I am weak, and she is manipulating me. I like to think I am actually very strong, and confident in myself enough to allow her to make this mistake, knowing that she will realize the mistake and learn from it, and we can have a wonderful rest of our life. OR, she doesn't learn Sh$t, we get divorced and I move on with my life =)