" Gradually, as I read more, I began to see that in some way, no matter what subject I had chosen, what country I was in, or what year it was, I had taught endlessly about the same things: the great need for maitri (loving-kindness toward oneself), and developing from that awakening of a fearlessly compassionate attitude toward our own pain and that of others. It seemed to me that the view behind every single talk was that we could step into uncharted territory and relax with the groundlessness of our situation. The other underlying theme was dissolving the dualistic tension between us and them, this and that, good and bad, by inviting in what we usually avoid"
To me this is the basis of forgiveness. We need to forgive ourselves first.
Great article of a couple forgiving the man that murdered their daughter in the NY TImes mag a few weeks ago by Paul Tullis.
Congratulations on all your triumphs this year. I am not a fortune teller but I see a bright future ahead for you
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
@ 2 - The jeep really is. It's hard to know what the truth is... if I was okay with hand me down cars because of how xw felt or because I truly didn't mind putting her first most of the time.
I'm sure it somewhere in the middle.
It's such a scary feeling for me because 2 yrs ago pre BD, there was no way I could support myself without x's financial support.
There are definitely days when I am fearful that I will be return to that.. but I just have to have faith.. in myself, my work, and others.
@ Bklyn Thanks girl! I'm not a fortune tell either but I believe that too. As for forgiving myself.. I think I'm there for the most part.
Weirdest thing today that I MUST journal about.
I'm shooting a movie in an apartment that my x and I looked into renting 4 years ago. What are the chances?
The crazy thing is that the lack of feelings I have about it. Wasn't upset, no crying.. What the he!! is happening here???
Just all feels surreal. Oh - I also joined an online dating website.. but that's another journal entry all in itself.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val you Re moving on that's what is happening. Good for you. Good luck with the online thing. I deleted all my profiles. Just be careful. There are some weird people out there. And she will come along when u least expect it. I am now sure that that's how it works. Be patient sis.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
My divorce is final today. I can't believe it's been 6 months already. Time surely does fly.
I've been at peace for about 6 wks now. I'm not gonna lie.. it's kinda awesome not to cry every month.
I tried so hard to forgive and move on for so long. Funny thing is when I took the pressure of myself and actually put more faith in God vs. my own actions.. things got better.
I bought a jeep and she is beautiful! She is not the most fuel efficient or the safest, but she sure is sexy.. and I look Good driving her.
Getting back into the dating world has been great. I'm in no rush to settle down or have a g/f, but this time I am being myself. Super femme with my guarded heart on my sleeve. If she doesn't like.. that's her problem. I've learned my lesson.
After these past 2 years, I have no regrets. Do I wish I wouldn't have lost my marriage.. of course, but I only make up 50% of the equation. My xw also had free will.. and her choices are her own to make.
But I am SO thankful. It is in times of great suffering that we truly learn who God intended us to be as his children. Loving human beings with hearts full of compassion, grace, and understanding. Mirrors of what he is and how he loves us.
And although my xw chose to stop loving me, I was shown love by so many people on a consistent basis. From family to strangers, it has just been amazing.
How can I NOT love, when I am loved deeply?
And just keeping that in the foreground of my mind has been a game changer. Because if my thoughts are filled with gratitude and praise... there is very little room for anger or fear.
Thank you my friends for fighting the good fight with me. Sorry for the sentimental blabber.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
There is something empowering about it. My x can't drive a manual and I LOVE driving manuals. She always said I would get her hand me down cars. I don't necessarily think she meant it in a bad way.. but at the same time, it's something that has always stuck with me in a negative way.
I often wonder how much of us buying her things was because I loved her and wanted her to have it vs. knowing that I couldn't have it. My guess is that the truth lies sometime in the middle.
Regardless, It feels like a new chapter... and an exciting one. Not everything from this experience has to be negative.. if we chose it to be so.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
My divorce is final today. I can't believe it's been 6 months already. Time surely does fly. I thought about that late Monday night & then wasn't sure if I could bring it up or if it'd bring you down. But you are alive & well!
I've been at peace for about 6 wks now. I'm not gonna lie.. it's kinda awesome not to cry every month.
I tried so hard to forgive and move on for so long. Funny thing is when I took the pressure of myself and actually put more faith in God vs. my own actions.. things got better. there is a lot to be said for "letting go and letting God." I found it also stopped (or lessened) the navel gazing and constant internal checks I'd do. Well done.
I bought a jeep and she is beautiful! She is not the most fuel efficient or the safest, but she sure is sexy.. and I look Good driving her. as you know, I chose my red sports car, a known gas guzzler, b/c I said to myself, "if not now, when?" and the answer was "probably never"
So I drive my inefficient FUN car and I frickin' enjoy it. Go up the PCH and get a VIEW from your jeep. Dang, now I want to go too...
SIDENOTE, as time passes, my feelings about having a car that is easier for passengers to enter, does occur. So does getting a car with better gas mileage. But if I'd gotten a more sensible car, I think I'd always regret not getting the fun one, when I could. And when we're "rich" we'll have second "Fun" cars...like my wacky car guy neighbor who has cars for toys. Someday...maybe.
For now, I hope you enjoy what you have AND that you got it yourself. Very well done.
Getting back into the dating world has been great. I'm in no rush to settle down or have a g/f, but this time I am being myself. Super femme with my guarded heart on my sleeve. If she doesn't like.. that's her problem. I've learned my lesson. Fair enough. And fwiw, in time you MAY find that your ex w did you a favor. I won't promise that, but I can say that With maybe one exception, I don't know any LBSer who isn't better off now, than before their divorce.
The exception is a person who has grown so much more than if she'd stayed with her first h. SHE may not agree that her life is better but that's mostly a money thing. I KNOW she's stronger and harder working than before, by a mile. (No, I'm not secretly referring to you, but come to think of it, if the shoe fits...)
But Val, truly, I have to wonder if your ex w really "got" you OR if she was just so unfinished when you two met...You two hooked up & married pretty young, so maybe she wasn't right for you even though you felt she was...(how could she be, given what's happened with you?)
It's possible that you'll end up in a better place than you would have with her...I swear, I think you will. But that's easy for ME to say...
After these past 2 years, I have no regrets. KEY point^^^and IF this were a contest between you and her, which we know it's not, you'd come out ahead my friend. The peace that abides when you have no regrets is only exceeded by what I assume a WAS must feel when they leave for moron reasons or their confusion or selfishness damages others. You're not her and you won't ever have to go there.
Do I wish I wouldn't have lost my marriage.. of course, but I only make up 50% of the equation. My xw also had free will.. and her choices are her own to make.
But I am SO thankful. It is in times of great suffering that we truly learn who God intended us to be as his children. Loving human beings with hearts full of compassion, grace, and understanding. Mirrors of what he is and how he loves us. And although my xw chose to stop loving me, I was shown love by so many people on a consistent basis. From family to strangers, it has just been amazing.
How can I NOT love, when I am loved deeply? Ain't that the truth??
And just keeping that in the foreground of my mind has been a game changer. Because if my thoughts are filled with gratitude and praise... there is very little room for anger or fear. AMEN SISTAH!!!
Thank you my friends for fighting the good fight with me. Sorry for the sentimental blabber.
No sorry's needed....Meee LIKEY!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Val, your attitude and growth is amazing. Yes, nothing should beat having no regrets. You are on the path to bigger, better things and you have an open mind and more importantly, an open heart as well! Your future seems bright and full of exciting new things!
(((((((val))))))
PS - can you take me for a hike on your new ride? I think I can look good on it too! Hope you can join us - can't wait to see you guys and have some fun!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
But I am SO thankful. It is in times of great suffering that we truly learn who God intended us to be as his children. Loving human beings with hearts full of compassion, grace, and understanding. Mirrors of what he is and how he loves us.
Love that line, imma use it a lot.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Hope you can join us - can't wait to see you guys and have some fun!