Hey, Soul, SS and LIS! Sorry I've been MIA. I was taking some time to focus on some personal goals. I find that when I spend a lot of time on this board, I become consumed by my M issues, and then lose my ability to detach, then lose my ability to GAL, then find myself falling into depression again, etc. I need to take a break now and then, but I miss everyone here when I do. I still like to follow other sitches, even if I don't want to talk about mine all the time.
I did throw in another attempt at my M the last two weeks. I'm not sure if I'm that gullible or if H is just that good of a salesman. I prefer to just think of it as "putting up my periscope." I believe it was Floyd that said that the lack of sex was a real barrier to progress, so I reengaged. I pretty much covered all his bases, including not opening deep discussions, not criticizing, doing his recreational things .... pretty much everything. H's love tank was full to the brim and he had no excuse for not reciprocating. But he didn't. So the playground is closed again. I'm okay with it. I tried it, it didn't work. And I'm not concerned that it was only 2 weeks, instead of something long-term. Two weeks is plenty of time to do something for your spouse. Oh, and I did ask him two specific things. He declined.
The only thing I will say was really odd is that during the two weeks, I almost felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. Really weird. Sort of like I imagine a prostitute might experiences in order to have assembly line sex with strangers. Or maybe what an actress does playing a role. Just guessing. Anyway, there's no way it was going to go on for longer than two weeks. It was a little creepy. For me. H didn't care, or even notice; he was a happy, happy camper!
So, back to my corner!
In my personal growth area, I read about something new for me, something called over-functioning. I decided it fit me to a tee! Probably much better that codependence like I previously thought (self-diagnosed.) So I'm going to keep looking into that and work on managing it. It will help me in many aspects of my life, I believe.
The other thing I'm trying to narrow down is a negativity that comes across to some people. It's difficult to define, because I have many friends that seem to enjoy my company. And they're very much reciprocal relationships, meaning I invite them to lunch, they invite me. And some have even shared some completely unprovoked(?) compliments to me, about how they value my friendship so much. I guess I'm trying to say that circumstances indicate to me that they're authentic, mutually-enjoyable friendships.
On the other side of the coin, sometimes I just really set people off. I've done it on this site before. I'm trying to figure out what I put off, what I'm doing that comes across poorly. It's possible that it's just a matter of "you can't please all of the people all of the time," but it happens frequently enough to have me question. It does seem to happen mostly when the interactions are done in writing, so maybe that helps narrow it down. But anyway, it's just something I'm aware of and trying to identify. I don't need to be perfect and I can deal with less than everyone on the planet thinking I'm wonderful, but I'd just like to know what it is so I can make a conscious decision about it. Sometimes I might just choose to do it anyway.
Anyway, not much else happening on my end. LIS, anything new with you? Are you making progress? It's an ugly journey, I know. SS, I check your post occasionally. I'm in a position of learning from you more than being able to offer advice, sorry! But I can relate to so much of where you're at. And Soul, your sitch just breaks my heart! I wish I could give you some magic glasses that would enable you to see your H for real. I know you love him, but he just doesn't seem like he's worth the emotional energy you give him.
I still like to follow other sitches, even if I don't want to talk about mine all the time.