GTO, I like the fact you're writing down your dreams and think of what you want to accomplish in life. That's great.
I think you should really consider letting the kids go to your H's place. This will provide a feeling of equality in the R, and will give your H a taste of what it really means to be separated.
One more thing: do you find yourself attractive or do you wish to improve anything about your appearance? Don't be afraid to be "sexy". Not for H but for yourself. And if you manage to attract glances of other men it won't harm your self-esteem either. This "primal" aspect of a marriage gets too little emphasis in the forum, in my opinion.
Agreed. I've been keeping more regular haircuts and dressing nicer. Others do notice and it does help me feel attractive.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Why are you not comfortable with them going to his apartment? Has he asked for them to stay at his apartment? I would allow them to go. This would let you start to GAL and become mysterious a little. Right now you are a prisoner. He knows you can't go out but he can. What kind of life is that? Again this is for YOU. To save you and your self esteem
We agreed when H moved out that the apartment was for HIM to have time and space. It is a 1 bdrm & doesn't have a place for boys to sleep (except floor, of course).
We also agreed that boys would remain in their home-ONE home, not dragged around back and forth to two places. I am very adament about this for them.
I am NOT a prisoner. I choose this. I choose to be with my kids. They will only be young once, and I choose to be there for them.
On weekends I can go out w friends when I plan in advance (or even if I dont' boys can stay home by themselves for a few hours).
Having said that, I DO need to meet new people-open myself up for new life experiences and possibilities. It's finding the balance that I need/want that I need to work on. I know I need to let my control over the boys' lives go a little, but this is not a sacrifice I make easily (I didn't ask not to be w my boys, H did...he did literally say he needed space from "Family life.")
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Have you ever thought about rotating YOU and H at the apartment. You sleep at the apartment on the nights he has them. Many folks are doing this now. This way the kids stay in their home but you both have ample time and space with the kids. You both would have to be on board with it. Your H has the best of both worlds right now. Just saying.
On his weekend you sleep at the apartment. On your weekend he sleeps at the apartment. Same for during the week
I see your points though. If you are happy with the arrangement then great!
Have you ever thought about rotating YOU and H at the apartment. You sleep at the apartment on the nights he has them. Many folks are doing this now. This way the kids stay in their home but you both have ample time and space with the kids. You both would have to be on board with it. Your H has the best of both worlds right now. Just saying.
On his weekend you sleep at the apartment. On your weekend he sleeps at the apartment. Same for during the week
I see your points though. If you are happy with the arrangement then great!
We almost did this, and still plan to if our kids respond poorly to them staying at H's apartment. H felt like I would end up getting resentful having to clean 2 places...lol. At least he has seen enough about himself to realize that he doesn't take care of much. But, my kids are so young that they can stay in his bedroom and a pack n play.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Dreams--I've always wanted to go cross country seeing the sights and staying at different places/some camping. Don't feel brave enough to do this one my own w boys, and definitely want to share this adventure w someone.
This is great fun, you definitely should plan trips for the summer. I'd start with long day trips. Then you can get a tent, try it at home and as a next step during a weekend trip for one night. I bet your sons would love it and they are old enough to be more of a support than a burden.
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BTW- I have decided to get a kitten for my boys for VDay! S11 LOVES cats! I think a family pet (other than our 2 guinea pigs) will be a nice diversion from H's absence. Something to give unconditional love to.
I fully support this idea, too. We had a cat when I was young, it stayed with us for 18 years. It really was a family member and we always took it/her along during holiday trips.
when he cuts you off or doesn't sound interested, take it as is and don't give him too much detail. It's ok if he's not interested in their daily activities (right now). He's got too much on his plate and doesn't want to add more. Don't take it personal.
However, I'm not saying excuse the behavior.
Imagine you have a very very stressful situation and a friend comes over wanting you to help her move! A healthy person would say, I'm sorry, I have to much going on right now.
A lot of the things WAS do, we take personally. DON'T!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
S11 LOVES cats! I think a family pet (other than our 2 guinea pigs) will be a nice diversion from H's absence. Something to give unconditional love to.