almost 3 months....seems like eternity

[sandi2]

Here's the thing.......you are looking for changes in your W.

Mind reading? I hope it was your mind that you were reading. You see, what you said in that text, that you didn't mean to send your W, speaks rather loudly of your own attitude. And even if you have reason to feel like you do, she saw you as the same sucker punch who had made no changes after all. It just gave her more assurance why not to try any longer.

I don't want to sound as if I don't understand you wanting a "sign" from her, but if that's what has you hanging on, then I don't think you should hold your breath. Even if there is no OM, what has changed to entice her to give the M another chance? I'm not trying to point fingers at you as much as I'm trying to get you to realize that a WAW doesn't usually give signs that she's ready to stay in the M, at least not this quickly....and maybe not the signs you think. It may not seem quick for you, but for her and her process.

If my H had banked on seeing signs from me, he would have been in bad shape. Even when I made the decision to not leave my home, I had a really long road to travel before I gave off any positive signs. I was not happy about my choice to stay. Let me say that again. I was not happy over my choice to stay in the M. I made my decision based on what was right....and not what I felt. No feelings of happiness followed that decision! I had a lot of stuff to work through. I had to end contact with the OM. I had to go through hard grieving for at least four months, before I could even think about focusing on my R with H. I had a tremendous amount of anger, sadness, bitterness, and tons of resentment. I was not only physically ill, but emotionally empty. I had nothing.......NOTHING to give. The depression went on for two years with me struggling to get up every day and just get through it. I came to the board every day and night to stay alive, or so it seemed at the time.

I'm not fussing at you, on the contrary, I'm trying to help you see from this side of the fence. You continue to look at the wrong person in your stitch. You need to focus on you and how you can change "you". If you'll do that....then you won't fail at life, regardless of what your W does. Sadly, you are doing what so many people do.....and that is watch to see what the other person is or isn't doing. If you keep watching her and expecting her to give you a sign of hope of a future together, then you are headed for a hard fall.

Frankly, it kind of gets my blood pressure up when I read a statement like you've made b/c I know you still don't "get it". You still want her to do the work. You want her to do the changing. You think three months has been like an eternity? Let me tell you, if she came back to the M today, you would settle right back into old routines & bad habits. Why? Beside the fact you haven't changed enough? Because it hasn't been long enough. There have been other LBH's who were at this longer than you.....who swore they would never get in that shape again, if only they got another chance to show the W what a wonderful H they could be. Sad to say, but this board has seen several of those men return. Maybe women have too, but I can't remember any at the moment.

So my friend, if things are resolved too quickly, I'm afraid you would not appreciate the time and hard work that it takes to really change yourself into being the best you can be. Look how long you've been.....how shall I say.....not the best?

You wanted a sign, so, I'll hand one to you. The fact you can still hurt her is a sign. It doesn't mean she'll be willing to allow you to continue hurting her, but right now...you are still capable of saying words about her that cuts deeply. If the day ever comes that nothing you say affects her at all....then there is no hope. Heeeeeere's your sign.

Remember, it's not about whether or not you have "reason", but how you choose to act.