Exactly! And I have voiced that several times, that our relationship is between us. Did she ever stop doing this?
Yes, she has backed way off in regardfs to venting about everyone else. She still does to some degree, but not nearly as bad as before. Our relatinship talks used to be about 50/50 in regards to US versus EVERYONE else. I think the reason she has backed off is, I don't allow the conversations to get too deep into anything. I have really tried to keep all conversations, with the exception of our D, very light and fluffy. "It was beautiful today". "I noticed you washed your car. It looks great". "I saw D's pic you sent me. She looked adorable". I honestly try to keep it on that level and W has been really good at following suit. That is my personal plan of attack for the time being.
Originally Posted By: Lovemyfamily
Mostly I try to make my own plans and not rely on him, but that usually doesn't seem to make him happy either. (I've had set backs such as New Years)
Think about this for a second. IF he didn't want to be a part of your life, WHY would he mind if you were making your own plans? My guess is, he feels you GAL and he doesn't like it. That's more or less what you want him to feel, that there is a chance you will move on without him.
Originally Posted By: Lovemyfamily
I would say I have probably been somewhat cold about the detaching. It's hard to find a balance, for me anyway.
You need to fix this. I struggled really bad with it too. Detaching doesn't mean you can't engage him or show him interest. I think the best way I have heard it described is, treat your H like we was your Brother. You can be nice. You can be friendly. You can even do things for him.....but no differently than you would your brother.
Thanks, suckerpunch. I suppose we didn't know that when we married we also married everyone else and their opinions matter so greatly lol. But I do try to avoid in depth conversations.
That is a good analogy about detaching. I'm trying.
This morning my resentment regarding the entire situation is just really high. One of those days when I'm just tired of being the responsible one for everything. Yesterday he needs new boots, mentions saving for a laptop (that ones all on you buddy, we have a laptop here at home, if you lived here you could use it), today he needs a new phone. I was able to control myself and not make comments. But thinking - he is playing 2 paying gigs this week, why can't he use that? I have a little side job and rarely keep that extra money to myself - in fact, I bought his Christmas and recently some clothes with it. And use it to pay down our massive credit card. The laptop comment came just after I reduced the cable bill to save $50/month and was talking about ways to save on groceries - so sure, I just saved money, you should certainly go spend it - but I was proud of myself for not letting my comments fly!
And also he is sick and is back on the kick about how he needs to have tonsil surgery. So go do it! I'm not a morning person but try to be in a good mood and here comes Mr Gloomy first thing in the morning complaining. A little venting helps sometimes.....
Today is one of those days for me too. I am going to try my best to turn it around though. We have to make our own happiness, LMF.
I have found that venting here, journaling, just flat bltching, seems to help blow off some steam. Plus, you have lots of support from people who are going through similiar emotions or situations. The insight and suggestions that people offer on here in times of need is PRICELESS.
Mine is a little better - actually, today is one of those days where I'm like, you know, I just don't care - talk with who you want, do what you want, in the end it's only you that is missing out. For the first time in a long time I have absolutely no desire to check the phone records. He isn't contacting me much - still upset about how I was pretty quiet last week I guess. I've tried to send a few thoughtful messages asking if he's feeling better, etc - he responds but doesn't go much further. We won't see him for the rest of the week - he's playing gigs tonight and tomorrow, so he will be out too late and not able to make it up in the morning to come see his D. Well, alright then. This weekend should be interesting - we are having a grls night out Saturday. He has already expressed not being happy about it. He will just have to get over it. This sight has helped immensely - and yes, even if you just need to bitch a little! It always helps to have someone elses perspective and I have gotten greaet advice. Appreciate everyone here I wish I contribute more to everyone else, but usually feel like I'm floundering around so much that I wouldn't give good advice.
My husband can take the smallest little issue and blow it up. And sometimes as much as I try to keep out of it, I get drug in. Yesterday he took a simple question I asked and blew it up - including again how I should learn to keep my mouth shut, how I haven't owned up to my issues and even so far as my family not helping him or including him in things. What?! First off, I did call him out for not being nice - as in you can't write something mean and then follow up with a 'hahaha' - you meant to be mean and then thought better of it. He even admitted it was rude in the very next line - his word, not mine, but then when I said 'rude' - well, I should learn when to shut my mouth. Huh? And he even back pedaled it again a little later saying all the stuff that the 'haha' meant (rude things about how my family does things on their time etc) when he had already admitted it was wrong to say earlier. Then went on this big rant about how my family breaks his heart, how he tried to be intereested in something they like but they didn't invite him and how he kept asking for help on this one thing at the hosue and didn't get it - now, nevermind the million things they have done for him, helped him, supported him. It was so ridiculous. I calmly replied to that one just saying that my family has always been supportive and helpful.
It's just liek e is always looking to turn something into something else so he can again blame me and my issues for everything - creating other excuses as to why he is leaving.
Then we had to launch into needing a new phone, which he mentioned last week but now his screen is broke. He again acts like I go around spending money on everything and don't let him have any. I have offered a million times to go over the budget with him and he never wants to. He thinks I hord money or something - gee, I wish!
And then to top it all off he had to bring up a conversation from Saturday in which he asked that I let him know when someone else is picking up our daughter or babysitting - because my dad had picked her up a couple hours early on Friday - he should know where she is and who is watchign her at all times in case of emergency. I will admit - I smirked at this - not because I don't think we both have a right to know where she is. Because not 4 months ago, while I was out of town for one night with my friends, he decided to go out and leave our daughter with his sister at our house, and didn't tell me anything at all about it until the next night when I asked what they had done the night before. He didn't tell me because he knew that I would not have approved because of who was goign to be there. I told him either way I should know who is watching my daughter - and you know what, at that time it wasn't a big deal, he shouldn't have to let me know. Well, isn't that just a little turn around. I feel he's using it now because he wants to keep better tabs and know if I am getting a sitter to do anything. Again, it's not that I don't think he should know where our daughter is, it's just all ironic after the incident a few months ago. I couldn't help but smirk a little. But didn't want to get into that arguement so let it go - but then yesterday I get accused of laughing at him over a serious matter - I did say ok to it.
It's just more of the nothing is ever right. Yesterday amongst all of this he threw it up again that he would get all his crap out and we could discuss visiting times with D. All because I asked a simple question about hauling off some items. Now mind you, just this past Saturday he wanted to come over in the afternoon and was sending me all sorts of dirty texts. But he tells me yesterday that he is tired of this 'push and pull'. Sometimes I feel the need to bang my head on the wall for awhile...
It's one of those weeks when it just feels like it's all falling apart again. I need to do something different. I feel like the dynamics between us have gotten worse since I started pulling back a lot. In some ways I think he really feels like he could loose me so he is lashing out and again trying to make everything my fault.
Now today, I will admit, that I probably shouldn't have said what I said, but again, he took things farther than it needed to go. I asked him how he liked his new phone. He says the face time is really cool, that he tried it with his sister last night. So my reply was 'I have it too. Maybe you should have tried it with your daughter...' Because seriously, if you didn't live at home and just got a new phone that could do that, who would you call first?! Anyway, he said it was late...then said he forgot he had it...then only remembered I had it when he was talking with her. Whatever the reason, I more so wanted to remind him that he can do that with his D as well. He then sent an entire screen full of again, how I've never admitted my guilt, even back to the alledged 'BF'(haven't we beat that to death enough!) I don't listen, or take any guilt from what happened inour marriage, that he has owned up to his problems. It goes on and on.
I will be the first to admit that I am sarcastic. While I can control it some - I've always been that way. He didn't use to mind. Now it's a big deal.
I do need to get out of the victim mind set though and stop letting his rants effect me so much. Back to the book to try to change some things.
You will want some more input from the vastly more knowledgable people on here....BUT, your H sounds like he honestly thinks you haven't owned up to your faults in the M. I am sure you probably have, but that might not be his reality of the situation, maybye call it selective hearing.
Would you consider laying it out there, again? Maybe he just needs some re-affirmation that you admit to playing a role in the demise of the relationship. I don't personally see any damage it could cause, and it might be a step forward. Of course, you would have to do this calmly and sincerely. It also sounds like you will have to be very obvious in your words, leaving nothing up to his interpretations. There can be no blame placed, just "this is what I have done...I am sorry".
The reason I ask you this, is I have noticed you mention several times that he doesn't think that you have owned your responsibility. Just a thought, but maybe he really doesn't?
I don't think he does believe that I admit to any fault at all. But I have apologized, although it was months ago, right after he left. I didn't see where I should bring up anything like that anymore, as it seemed more R talk. Plus, from the way he always words it, it seems like more of owning up to things to others, not exactly to him. And I'm not sure how to do that really. I think he has it in his mind that my family and friends will contact him if I tell them things I've done. That isn't going to happen - no matter who's fault, my family and friends see it as his way to solve things was to leave - much less, he began acting odd prior to leaving, most of them noticed before I ever said anything about having problems.
When he left, I was nagging all of the time, wanting time with him, wanting to do things with him and for him to make me and our family the top priority. I also did not trust him and made remarks when he was in contact with his friends that were girls etc. I believe I have been doing the 180 on these things fairly decently - with a few exceptions. It goes along with GAL - I don't bother him about his plans, do not make comments on how much time he spends practicing, etc, don't inquire about who or why he's contacting others (now he does this to me constantly)
And lots of his issues with me comes from him saying I ignored him for 3 years. I apologized over and over for this, tho I did say I don't think our relationship was like that, but I was truly sorry if I treated him that way, I couldn't change it now but I was sorry.
I'm just even more confused these days. Before I tried to detach more and have less contact with him, it seemed like things were going better. I would still have expectations tho and end up hurting again. So the detachment does better for me, but I dn't think it is good for our relationship. On the other hand, I don't want to go back the other direction because it seemed like I was sending him the message that he could come here and play family a few days a week, ML with me etc and then go do as he pleases - that him not living here was ok.
I started reading up more on goals and looking thru the section here in the forums but am truly at a loss as to where to start. He also always accuses me of changing who I am, so going back and forth just solidifies that for him.
You can read thru my recent posts about how things have kind of been backtracking since I went much less contact. But I don't think it is doing good. To me, the spewing this week is a result of me pulling away, and now this morning....
H has been gone 3 months. In that time, besides coming 3-4 mornings a week to get D to daycare, hehas asked once to take her to a family party (I was invited too but we already had plans) and once he offered to stay with her if I wanted to go out. ALL of the other times I have asked him to keep her because I had plans. Since my pulling back, when he gets going on these arguments, he always mentions setting a schedule for time with D. This morning he says 'he can and would love to have her tonight' The timing of this is not lost here, right? I did not give a reaction just said it was ok, and even gave him a time next week when I have something going.
So what I need opinions on - I think I should go back to more contact. But again, I don't want to give the message that I am ok with this living arrangement (not that I won't be ok, but that it's ok to pretend family when you want). Guess I just take the chance of getting my heart broke more. Or I could continue this less contact and let him get some of this stuff out of his system maybe.
I wish I contribute more to everyone else, but usually feel like I'm floundering around so much that I wouldn't give good advice.