Wow, not sure how I left that impression but it was indeed a HUGE challenge!! I've been through the worst and lowest points of my life since BD. Horrible depression, extreme anxiety, no sleep for days on end, unable to function at work and home, etc. etc. It's been awful. I started out DB'ing specifically to save my M, but somewhere along the line it became more about saving myself than my M. And it has, I'm now stronger, more confident and happier than I've been in many years. I still hope to reconcile, but I've reached the point of knowing that my happiness and fulfillment in life is not dependent on W returning.
I have continued reading your posts because you seem to have learned how to effectively navigate your way through this awful mess. I have started to see where you had trouble dealing with all the stress that was placed upon you.
I too had nights where I couldn't sleep at all. I would lie awake all night long and not sleep one wink. I found that after I moved to the guest bedroom at my wife's request, I slept better. Sometimes I still have to take something to help me drop off, but I am much better. I remember having a total panic attack when I started feeling that something not quite right was going on between her and the OM. I haven't had episodes like that for months now.
BTW, although we have had a bad evening, I have noticed that my wife is still wearing her ring. That makes 3 days in a row. (Baby steps. Baby steps.)
P2, I am sorry to hear about the bad evening. Part of the ups and downs I guess. I'm happy to hear about your wife wearing her ring. After BD, my wife wore hears hear and there for about 8 weeks. For the past 3 months she has not worn it. I don't make much of that but certainly something you notice. Particulary I notice it because the ring is laying on bathroom counter.
Last week W and I got together for dinner and it went well. That day I had forgot to put my wedding ring back on after showering in the morning. I was hurried. Anyway, during the dinner with my wife I could tell she noticed because she looked at my hand several times. I thought that was interesting. I'm not sure what was going through her mind. I felt during one of her glances it kind of threw her off.
Regarding feelings of panic and like of sleep and the roller coaster after the bomb date - I can relate. The first 2 months after bomb date I was all over the place. Much better now with time. Sleeping has gotten better since S for me. The other thing for me was significant weight loss - like back to high school weight and waist size. What a way to lose weight - get into a serious marriage crisis
VG, the story of your wife noticing your missing ring is interesting. Isn't it strange that they do this stuff and yet they are thrown off balance when they encounter something from us that they don't expect? I was told that it kind of makes them feel like they are losing control. It also makes them feel like they might not know you as well as they thought they did. Pretty scary stuff.
One of these past evenings, my wife tore into me about my changes. She said she feels like I am trying to steal the kids from her. This was all triggered by me going into their rooms to check up on them before bed. My wife has always done this. She wanted to know why I was doing it. I had never done it before. I told her that I had done this in her absence and that it might be that I was feeling closer to the girls as well.
She also brought up the fact that I have changed my manner of dress. Months ago, she had suggested better fitting clothing for me and I just continued the suggestion. This obviously is causing her angst. She tells me she doesn't know me. That I am different. When she says that stuff, it makes me wonder if I have changed too much. I really don't think so. I am the very same guy she married, I just do things now like think about what she might need, clean the house, spend time and actually talk to our girls, and I have some different clothes. Oh, and I don't sit around the house waiting for her to decide what we are doing. I have a plan for my day and I don't follow her around like I used to.
I'm sticking with my changes. They are good for me, us and our kids. I just hope that she gets a little more used to me this way. Her reaction to the changes does not make me feel any better about us.
On a positive note, she will still occasionally make statements that make me think she's gonna pull out of this. After all, she is convinced that I am the one who started all of this crisis and she is waiting for me to pull out of my MLC!
I have continued reading your posts because you seem to have learned how to effectively navigate your way through this awful mess. I have started to see where you had trouble dealing with all the stress that was placed upon you.
Good, that sounds more accurate, LOL! That's what I would hope people take away from my posts- not that it's easy or painless to do this, but that even though you may be going through terrible pain now it DOES get better and you CAN rebuild and be better than before!
Glad to hear you're doing better and boy can I ever relate to your comment about panic attacks. That whole fight-or-flight thing, I would get those anxiety attacks at work and could not even stay seated. That was really frustrating! I don't miss that at all!!
One of these past evenings, my wife tore into me about my changes. She said she feels like I am trying to steal the kids from her. This was all triggered by me going into their rooms to check up on them before bed.
Use these opportunities to validate her emotions. Ask her how it makes her feel, then whatever she responds (angry, scared, worried, etc.) just reflect it back and validate- "you do sound angry, I can understand why you feel that way. I have changed and I can see why my changes would confuse you, please just bear with me until you get used to seeing these changes and please feel free to talk to me if you need reassurances."
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She also brought up the fact that I have changed my manner of dress. Months ago, she had suggested better fitting clothing for me and I just continued the suggestion. This obviously is causing her angst. She tells me she doesn't know me. That I am different. When she says that stuff, it makes me wonder if I have changed too much.
It's great that she's acknowledging your changes, but just remember that she's questioning everything you do. She's thinking A)if it's so easy for him to change then why didn't he do it a long time ago? and B)are these just tricks to try and get me back? That's why it's important to keep your changes going and give her plenty of time to see that they are real.
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I'm sticking with my changes. They are good for me, us and our kids.
I've spent lots of time reading through posts on this site regarding WAW's. It seems like although we are all dealing with different women, we are all experiencing the same events. One of the posters called it "reading from the script.". I do my best to weed through all of the comments posted her and, in the process, keel the wheat and throw out the chaff" if you know what I mean. There certainly are lots of us here who are grabbing onto anything that we can find to help us keep our heads above the water.
I want to thank all the veterans here who systematically go through our posts and give us words of wisdom. I know this takes lots of time out of your day. I especially wish to thank Sandi2 for offering us insight into the thoughts and feelings of a WAW. This really helps.
AnotherStander, thank you for keeping a positive spirit through all that you have been suffering. You are an encouragement to me in this difficult time. Many people become negative, bitter and resentful. I cannot detect any of that in any of your posts. Thank you.
I'm out of town on business again. Gonna be gone for about a week. I have said before that my wife looks forward to my departures. She has our girls and the house to herself. Gets to live her life without me being around. It's really like being separated but without the official paperwork. Before I left, she asked me if I was going to be taking my truck to work. (Sometimes I get a hired ride.) I asked her why she asked. She said no reason. Just curious. ???? What's up with that? Weird.
Haven't heard from her at all. Been gone for 2 days now. I have texted and called purely for logistics. I will get a one word reply and that's about it. Time to go dark. I really don't think I will hear from her at all unless the house is on fire!
When she was out of town for a week and I had our girls, I started hearing from her quite often. That was when I received an invitation from her for our couples' massage. I think that was because she missed the girls, and I think she was surprised that she didn't really hear from them or me. It is much more difficult for me to maintain radio silence when I am gone than when I am at home with our girls.
I did call her today about something important, but I screwed up by talking over her about the subject. I realized my error and apologized right then and there. I really need to work on listening and not talking all the time. This has been another complaint she has expressed and I think it dovetails into my controlling nature. I REALLY need to eliminate this habit. Any tips? I do not like the fact that I am this way. Maybe I do this so I don't have to work at at. It is much easier to have a monologue than a conversation with someone when you feel vulnerable to that person.
No major changes on our situation. That is something to be thankful for. Wife still lives at home. No separation. No divorce. I did find an address entered into her car's GPS as an active destination one day a couple of weeks ago. It was the address for our state's Health and Human Services Dept. I found that a little frightening.
I do know that, although I am trying, I have not detached. My heart went up into my throat for a second when I thought that I saw she had eliminated her married status from FB. I was mistaken, but it served as a wakeup call to me that she still has the ability to rock my world.
I have been reading:
5LL's The Power of Positive Thinking DR by Michelle Love Must Be Tough If Only He Knew: Understanding Your Wife Winning Your Wife Back 5 Languages of Apology I Promise How 5 Essential Commitments Determine the Destiny of Your Marriage How to Improve Your Marriage w/o Talking About It
I should become a part time shrink!
I have really come to realize that my wife thrives on touch and quality time. I remember her telling me about 6 months ago (when she was wanting me to give her space) that she wanted me to be sure to give her body contact such as hugs and kisses.
Since that time, our situation has deteriorated drastically. Touch is out of the question now. It has been for about 3 months. I am taking AS's advice and assuming this to be because of an emotional or physical affair. I figure if I plan on the worst, I might not be crushed as badly when I encounter the truth.
Quality time is my only open door to her, and that seems VERY difficult to come by and it has to be by her invitation or I'm viewed as pursuing and pressuring. Its challenging when I'm gone half the time and then the remaining time I have, I must tread carefully like all of us here do.
I really do wish I had much better people skills. That is not one of my gifts. Another chance to learn!
I think I am going to go to the mall, bolster my new wardrobe and enter into some conversations so I can continue improving myself. Thanks for listening!
OK. Question. Do I give the wife a Valentine's Day card, or not? I have one just in case.
Our anniversary comes up in March. I asked if she would like to go out to dinner then. She asked me, "what are we celebrating?" A little sarcasm was added. All I said was, "we have been married for 12 years."
I'm thinking I wasted money on a card, but figured I'd check with you guys first. My wife is NEVER the first one to initiate communication. She has never been that way. Even when we dated. I would call her on the phone and she would literally tell me I was crazy for calling her long distance. She always waits for me to make the first move. It makes it very difficult to bridge the gap between us without running the risk of pressuring her.
OK. Question. Do I give the wife a Valentine's Day card, or not? I have one just in case.
Our anniversary comes up in March. I asked if she would like to go out to dinner then. She asked me, "what are we celebrating?" A little sarcasm was added. All I said was, "we have been married for 12 years."
This is tough. Since our sitch began in Aug/Sep I have been thru our anniversary, W's birthday, and xmas. I am leaning towards getting my W a couple of gifts for Valentines but haven't decided yet. I don't think I'll get a card or do anything romantic. I will probably get her a book that she has interest in and a box of these cookies she likes. Kind of torn, on the one hand not to pressure and on the other to show I'm her husband and want to do caring acts for her.
I don't think these two gifts would put pressure on my W though so I'll probably give the gifts.
Of course, I'll coordinate cards/gifts from the kids.
