Retrouvaille

[AnotherStander]

I forgot to mention this in the last post, but the conversations between W and I have been very kind and polite, no arguing/ yelling/ etc. Even the above discussion was very matter-of-fact and even loving, and she very warmly hugged me before she left.

Don't get me wrong...it's an awesome program, but I think what you get out of it is largely based on what you are willing to put into it. If you don't really want it to work, I don't think it's going to, and I think that's what happened in my case (at least so far).

I totally agree with you, they often tout that those who go to all 6 of the followups have a 90% success rate (or something like that, it was really high) but personally I just think it's only because those who make all the followups were already pretty committed to making things work. So it wasn't so much the success of the program as just an indication of the personal willingness of those who went to all the sessions. And I'm not saying it's not a successful program, clearly it has been for many people. But I think people need to go into it with realistic expectations (or better yet, no expectations).

I am sorry to see that this is where things are going, AS.

Thank you, I really am fine though! I honestly didn't have any expectations that RV would save our marriage, it did give me some hope (as probably is clear in my OP) that W seemed to really respond to the original weekend program but obviously I was premature in thinking that it might mean reconciliation was imminent.

I just need to say what hope you give me! You strength and all the hard work you have put into yourself, really gives me hope that if I continue to do the work, I really will be fine with any outcome that comes my way.

Thank you! I did not initially set out with that goal in mind, my goal was 100% to save my marriage no matter what. I was truly desperate and in a bad place when I arrived on these forums. But DB'ing really does work to help us fix ourselves and make ourselves better people prepared for life with or without our spouses. It would be great if it was always "with"; but even if not, life will still be great.

AS, I'm sorry to hear this. At my BD my W said to me "I feel nothing for you". Not an easy thing to hear.

It really hurt deeply at BD. But now that I've been out on dates, I've heard things from these women that I haven't heard in years from my wife. I hope this doesn't sound too egotistical, but I'm a pretty good-looking guy, I'm in really good shape from 8 months of hard weight training, I'm a traditional southern gent and am very kind and respectful towards those I've dated. I've been out with 5 women and they all wanted to continue the relationship. I honestly was a little shocked at the compliments they paid me at first because I was so used to hearing zilch from my W. At first I was convinced they weren't being honest, that they couldn't possibly mean all those great things about ME. That's how beat down I was. It took me a while to accept that they really did mean the things they were saying, LOL! And not just that, but these are younger, beautiful women. So now when I hear my W say that the attraction is just not there, it doesn't hurt anymore, I just find it perplexing. I mean she most certainly thought I was attractive early on as she talked about it constantly, and if these other women are any indication then I've still got a bit of a spark going, but it's like W just refuses to see it. Really strange.

I can also see by your wife being 'scared' she is still confused.

I think you are absolutely right (in fact she's still talking about being confused), and I'm not saying it's over yet. But I think it shows that it's still going to take a lot more time for her to come around (if she ever does).

You might ask your W to think about trying this, to "act" as if she's happy until it becomes a habit. What does she have to lose?

Interesting that you should say that as one of her friends told her the same thing, but she didn't want to try that. Said it felt too fake. It's unfortunate because I really do think that works, it's similar to GAL. At first you don't want to and you have to drag yourself out even though your brain is telling you to curl up in a corner and wait to die, LOL! But if you force yourself, then the next time it's a little less difficult, and the more you do it the easier it gets until you find yourself actually enjoying it and looking forward to it. Same idea!