Thanks, AS I appreciate the reply, there is also a whole lot of history in the past four months and of course the marriage that I am not getting into right now for a few reasons, but will go there eventually.
I have been keeping up on your sitch, and it seems like things are moving in a great direction for you Very happy!
Problems: Control freak (very common in the LBS, I see) I think, for me, it was hard to equate strength with any perceived weaknesses, such as letting someone else have their way or acknowledging my way wasn't best or I was wrong.
Decision Making- I just made them. H was working in different city five days a week. Just began making the decisions and carried on even when he was home and it should have been joint decision or asked for input.
Sex- having not seen H all week you think I would want it, right? Not. Understand now that it was part of control and also my needs were not being addressed (5LL-very enlightening)
Was dismissive of any input from H, didn't demonstrate physical affection much, had also been WAW without actually ever going anywhere.
180's
Control- I don't. The only person I can control is me. H says it is now "frustrating" to talk because I listen and nod and smile. I validate his view and if I disagree, I just say "I can see why you think that way." I also will add on occasion that the opinion he has isn't for me, but I can see where he is coming from (this is for big things, like, he has decided that all emotions are bad and lead to bad decisions...sigh). He had mentioned that all our marriage anytime he proffered an opinion he was waiting to be smacked with the figurative rolled up newspaper. Now he never gets smacked lol!
Decision Making- I ask his opinion. I leave some decisions totally up to him. Ex. I am a fantic about education. Son is off to the equivalent of junior college. I have totally kept out of decisions, paperwork etc and left it to H and S. H mentioned other day he wouldn't mind if S took year off if he could not decide what to do or couldnt get in. H looked at me and waited for newspaper...I said "Sure, but he is not living with me." After the shock of me agreeing wore off :P, he said "Yes is is, and he can work at X (seasonal)
I asked "What about winter?"
He replied "Y" (which is 25km away)
I asked, "Who's going to drive him?"
H mumbled something about arranging a ride and then said he could get him a job in a warehouse,at the end of year, S would want to be in school.
I said that it sounded like a great idea and H was right, hard, boring labour with little pay would probably make S think twice.
Subject dropped by H
Sex- not much to do about that...H has GF, but recently she has told him she wants a more open relationship lol! Or has already slept with someone else and H found out last week. So, he is more than happy to have PI with me. But know, he has started dating and the whole thing is feeling a bit bizarre to me.
Emotionally, we are still very close. I mentioned that I was unsure about my emotions if I did sleep with him. He said he didn't want to hurt me, but he could sleep with me and "turn off" his emotions.
So, I think I have to explore a little further if I could sleep with him without expectation...not sure.
Houses-yes two places so no different . I just think he is pretty happy that nothing much is expected of him anymore in terms of time, chores, driving etc.
Do I think he needs help? Yup. Have mentioned it. He says he is not ready. I said that perhaps now is the best time, rather than going through all your emotions alone.
Do I think H is depressed? Yes, but that is not a conversation we have had recently. He is exercising. lost 50 pounds, eating well, but smokes a pack a day and still likes to drink. I think he has thoughts of how easy it would be to be dead, but would never do it because of me and kids...we have skirted this conversation. I have told him to remember what I can be like and I would come to the other side to kick his a$$ if he ever did.
I also said that I have strength to lend, that I will not put him back on his feet if he should fall, but I would always offer a safe place to rest until he could get back up himself.
Being a fixer (labug...:) ) we like to fix. It is good. But the realization we can't fix everything or everyone is a tough one for us. People especially have to fix themselves.
BTW- the first two quits were smoking and drinking...man....if I had kept my mouth shut I still would have been here roflmao!
Very happy!