House for sale. So Sad. Family Breaking Up (pt 3)

[sayitaintso]

Hey Floyd- I have not read any of your past posts and don't know how you got here but I stumbled on your recent post today as 2 of my good friends have posted to you above.

I am in the midst of a similar legal battle. Mud slinging, lies, embellishments, accusations, etc.. It has been extremely difficult to work through and to stay on the high road.

Your stbx's truth is not your truth or your children's truth.

We really do need to emotionally deatch at this time more than ever and do our best to make the best possible decisions for ourselves and our kids.

Have faith in yourself and give yourself some room to breathe, things may get worse before they get better.

Best!

[JuneReN]

I need authentic Floyd to come back. It's going to be hard, stay true.

Wanna go for a run?

[FloydMan]

Thanks everyone. I really needed that. Any more would be great. Ruby you make me laugh.
My L is insistent on firing a salvo back to discredit claims and note her misbehaviour with the kids....not being around, irresponsible with bills, money, erratic behaviour etc.
this morning she freaked on d10 for not getting up in the morning and dragged her by her ankles across the floor. This among other things she has said and done over months. Ontario is a no-fault jurisdiction as well so the infidelity cannot be used for settlement purposes but can and is typically used for custody arguments as it pertains to absentee and neglectful parenting depending on the circumstance. Mine qualifies for that. Also, it does become public record and ALL details are put into record. I have nothing to hide myself, which is why I guess she is grasping at straws.

[JuneReN]

It does look like it is getting tougher before it will get better, Floyd. I'm sorry, can you detail custody again?

Do you want full? Does wife? Shared? What are you /is she looking for?

[FloydMan]

Last summer she had agreed to 50/50. October she gets a litigator instead of Collaborative Family Law like I suggested we do. The litigator changed it to 75/25. It is a money grab. When I asked her why she changed and why she felt she should have custody like that her answer was "Because I'm the mother!" Let me tell you straight up and honest....she has been an absentee mother and I literally everything. I have countered with primary residence and access for me at 75/25. There are also financial assets to be argued for and net family property...all my hard earned savings. The litigators are salivating and going to drain it and court is inevitable. I have no choice though as she is taking it there. She is a lost soul. She was not like this for years. She changed dramatically in last 3 years and even worse in last 2. I pray every night she snaps out of it. I just don't get the hate. Just don't.

[JuneReN]

Sometimes it's something to focus on. Also, you said that what people think of her is very important. So, if she feels she must, as a "good" mother, fight for her kids custody, then that is what she will do.

It is very important for you to detach as much as possible right now, because this is going to hurt. She has lost who she is. She no longer wants to be wife, is unsure about her role as mother, and cannot define herself otherwise. You and the kids, unfortunately, will be bearing the brunt.

You need to take care of yourself and your health, try to sleep etc. Think BD all over again.

[adinva]

Wow. That really really [censored]. Ugh. So, Floydman.

Is she trying to show you as a bad father in order to get her 75% and you only 25%? That's kind of stupid. If you're a bad father, you're a bad father; if you're not you're not.

How much money are you talking about if she wins 75% versus 50%? How much time exactly are you losing with the kids in 75% versus 50%? You love your kids and want what is best for them, and that may just be giving in on this. Make sure you know what you're willing to fight for and how much it's going to cost you to make that fight.

Is it possible to give her the time, can you afford to give her the money differential? ...and...write in there some language that gives a lot of flexibility for you to get time with your kids when it comes to real life. Such as right of first refusal when she can't be there on her time. Such as meaningful hours in your allotment, not disney funtime but actual living in your house time where you're there for some homework and some friends sleeping over and some sickdays and real life? Can your time be set as a "minimum of" and then in actual practice you negotiate more as you go?

Your kids aren't going to doubt your commitment. Your goals are not going to be met by proving she's an absentee mother. Document it in case you should need it. But if you're haggling over two additional days a week and all the money goes to the lawyers and you end up with one additional day a week and a combative relationship with your ex, have you won?

[Mach1]

Last summer she had agreed to 50/50. October she gets a litigator instead of Collaborative Family Law like I suggested we do.

You are never gonna have a rational decision with an irrational person...

Why are you entrusting HER litigator instead of protecting yourself with your own counsel ???

The litigator changed it to 75/25. It is a money grab. When I asked her why she changed and why she felt she should have custody like that her answer was "Because I'm the mother!"

What are you planning on doing, to change this decision ?

Let me tell you straight up and honest....she has been an absentee mother and I literally everything. I have countered with primary residence and access for me at 75/25.

You have to find a way to let go of this anger, or at least not using that anger as a sword.

Harness it and use it as your energy to find a way to change this...

There are also financial assets to be argued for and net family property...all my hard earned savings. The litigators are salivating and going to drain it and court is inevitable. I have no choice though as she is taking it there. She is a lost soul. She was not like this for years. She changed dramatically in last 3 years and even worse in last 2.

Is it the money that is bothering you ?

Money is replaceable...that time with the kids.....isn't

I pray every night she snaps out of it. I just don't get the hate. Just don't.

This kind of thinking is exactly what you do not need right now...

You are REACTING emotionally instead of responding, because you think that she is doing this TO you....

She isn't doing anything to you, she is doing it for herself, and you are just something, that is keeping her from getting her way...

Stop looking for "what is wrong with her" , and start acting for yourself, and protecting yourself..

Don't worry about all of the other crap, just do what is right....




Floyd, you sound defeated already, and you haven't even gotten a start...

Never has a battle been won, when the Victor goes in with the mindset of losing it...

Plan well, act well, and know that you gave it every ounce of energy you had . When the day is done, you will have zero regrets over your actions.

And even in victory, there can be regrets...

Like I said before...

Dignity, Honor, and Grace....

[labug]

Yes, she running on pure emotion right now, 2 people reacting out of emotion is a Ls dream.

Write down your bottom line and keep it with you, bring it out when you start to react to something.

And work out the resentment about stuff that happened during the M that you saw no need to change then but now seems important.

You can do this.

[FloydMan]

Wow, thanks everyone. It is not the money so much as raising my kids as I have been doing all along. It is a money grab for her though...I really sense that. She spends and cannot afford her lifestyle alone. It would mean about $1600.00/month in support. I cannot afford that either and be comfortable. Her set up would be me every other weekend and every Wednesday. Kids would be in suitcases. I have countered with the same but would accept 50/50 and no less. I think I have the ability to lose the resentment more than she. I have lost a lot of it and let go of a lot of it, but obviously some still there as it pertains to her lies about me. She cannot prove me a bad father as she has always lauded my fatherhood and how much I do to family, friends and the MC's and in notes I have kept. I have been more dedicated than most to be perfectly unbiased. She has said this too. She is more painting me to be a bad husband than father. She is definitely running on emotion. It is a L's dream for sure. We have a major snowstorm today and she was going to work...I filled her washer fluid as it was empty and she gave me crap for that. She was cordial when we first got the kids up and I took my youngest to school. When I got back she was so nasty....I think she got my L's response letter while I was out. It had clearly stated my position on the house and my intent to purchase it, referred to her affair and not to treat d10 like she does. I get the sense she is not fully upfront with her L. I could be wrong.