h left for tennis- here's me running here - ta da...
soooo- of all things- i was sitting at table trying to balance one of my gazillion check books (don't even ask) and something he said made me just say rite out- so, are you acting all wierd because you've got "travel plans" and don't have the courage to just sayit rite out? he said no- and wasn't i a bit dramatic guaging his "wierdness".
his usual old "thing" - make it about me "watching the r too much and too constantly" - which, honextly i don't really do.
if i notice something off kilter- i say so- if i don't - i go along and don't. I probably shouldn't have said anything- it just was the rite opening and i did. anyway- glad he doesn't have plans- it really is a hard thing to cope with. i managed last time to not talk- but even "not talking" is a sign to him that i'm acting differently-
this business of knowing each other really wel - or thinking we do more likely- is stinko.
oh well- then after a few exchanges ic an't remember- neutral in tone- nothing heavy or icky- he said soemthing that promted me to comment on the stupid receipt for a card that's been sitting in my face - his valentine for his true love.
he said "fag, you ahve a birthday in a couple days! it's that). i had to say in my own defense that i'm not likely to head for pleasant explanations since i feel like i'm an outs ider in a house i've thought of as my "home" for 35 or so years. it's all weird- excuuuuuuse me if i'm a bit defensive.
ended lightly- this moment i just don't care . long logn talk with sister #3 about sister #4 and HER issues - which i also just don't care about at this moment.
AAANY WAY- hope your day is going well. i wonder about this flipping and flopping allover the place they're doing or do. it's sooooo unjust to not just pick something and go with it. it's sooooooo USING us like mad becasue we understand and tolerate and "stand" and they get to gratify every stupid whim & fancy regrdless of who they're blamming into the ground.
i keep thinking lately of a stupid stupid mental attitude i had in my first job for a young lawyer. a real jerk and not that great of a lawy3er- i did everything- waaay more than i could or should have been doing. he was such a putz- anyway- my usual attitude was "ill show him- i can do this all and then some" and all about "proving myself" i guess. THEN ONE MORNING - it occurred to me, why was i killing myself to prove what to who? to him (a jackass??? and not that greatof pay anyway???) it shifted everythign. i quit -
why in the world would i continue to be overworked, underpaid and not appreciated to boot. i find myself wondering if i'm doing the same thing here. this business of i can tolerate this and that and give him every last single "chance" -
COULD IT BE i'm just trying to Prove something to someone that doesn't give a darn anyway? using me for alllll whatever he's getting - maybe even just the infantile gratification of me enduring his sh_tfest? oh man- treasonous thoughts.
BACK TO YOU.- your H - views you as his wife - WELL THANKS GUY- YOU ARE..... ALWAYS HAVE BEEN - if he wasn't such a putz himself you always would be. Trudi is rite- you're his rock- but do these guys necessarily deserve rocks in their life?
guys like us (rocks) deserve rocks - guys like them (shifting sand) deserve just that. BUT they're clever-er than us- they pick us, whereas we pick them.????
nopt even going there- so you are sounding a bit empowered with one of your recent posts saying you are coming to terms with life without h and he'd need to be an even better h before that changes. is this truly your bottom line these days? what exactly would heneed to change and never go back on?
i'm still struggling with my addiction and not sure of what my bottom line is. i know I WILL NOT go back to walking on eggs to avoid his anger- my gut turns rite off - i can be silent and go away from it becasue i'm not going to participate. it's crazy and i am undeserving - wonder if he GETS that lately?
i can't think what else- the ow thing will have to be over before he and i can fix anything. i'm waiting and biding my time (JUST) - I'M Hanging by a thread most days.
i wonder ifhe knows that? i wonder if they know anything of what is going on with us? i wonder if our attitude shifts are clearly apparent to them as they are to us? i'm assuming they know us somewhat better than the average civilian?
do you think your "changes" of mind and heart are apparent to your not-h? do you think this is what has inspired his latest foray into old-h-ness? i hope to God your h is returning from his abyss... wouldn't it be nice if a miracle had occurred.
yeah- another addiction i have - this darn upbeat pollyanna junk- need to get a handle on the optimism.
my h- i have been watching tv and seeing allll the valentine ads and wanting to cry becasue i am so pissed off and missing what i had - love , etc. it's nice that i had it for a long long tiome- it's hard as heck to know EXACTLY what i'm missing and whose got it now. wah wah wah.
my 4th sister pointed out this moring how nice for me to have had a "rock" in my life for such a long long time. i am grateful- it still stinks. she feels she's never had it - ever. sad that. the good news about sister 5 being a total jerk- 4 has alwasy had a rocky r with mom- she's now being appreciated somewhat and it is a bit better than ever. my mother is (i hope) realizing she's there and she can be counted on- and that is something HUGE in life. i believe 4 will help her have a life she wants - i believe 5 is pretty sure she knwos what is best for everyone in universe and she will give mom the life she thiniks she needs. oh man-
anyway- i'm ranbling- i'm glad to hear you're hanging in there and i'm interested in teh wierd twists & turns your not-h and then real-h is taking- it's sure crazy. i feel nuts sometimes too- last nite he watched tv by self in tv room til sleeptime. nite before he came in and watched with me and has been doing that more and more in bedroom. wtf? i assume his level of guilt keeps him distant or not.
he's such a jerk- ifhe'd just give up- we live together and quit this crap of apartness he'd remember how fun it was. (maybe) - maybe mwd is rite and he's got to go thru this in his own time in his own way- your h too- it stinks for us.
i hate being philosophical. that stinks too. hey- i sure am saying everythign stinks about everything today aren't I.
i wish my stupid h would get his stupid ow in perspective and realize he didn't "go with her" 25 years ago because she's a redneck jerk-
okay- end of tiraid - gotta do that sut5pid checkbook.
xxoo and thanks for listening and thanks for sharing- i'm here with ya- for better or worse dearie - keep the faith.
