The ups and downs of DBing

[Wendylon]

I just wanted to mention that the AA guy who toed my car when it broke down on Sunday was so kind that it gave me a taste of what it's like to be with someone who is not impatient or judgmental. It made me want to try to be more like him.

The AA guy tried to toe my car into a tight parking spot which didn't work very well as he was pushing my car I was steering and it was really heavy. He got out of his truck and checked the position of my car and just said in a really friendly way: we'll try that again. I knew it was my bad timing and steering that had caused the problem but he wasn't in the slightest bit blaming. It was an amazing feeling to be on the receiving end of such non-judgmentalness.

H did something really ditzy yesterday (got the handyman who came to the house to screw something in completely the wrong place). I thought of the AA guy and just asked the handyman to change it without drawing the whole incident to H's attention. H won't even notice. H does do the best he can just as I was reverse parking while being pushed to the best of my ability.

Sometimes I can see that we are all just doing our best given who we are. Other times, I wish people around me, H in particular, were different.

[tori2012]

Wendylon, a few comments:

1. You said, "I'd love H to brainstorm with me about what to do." YES! Now you know what you want. So go ahead and tell him that you'd like to brainstorm. Brainstorming sounds like cooperation, which is a great thing to have in your R.
2. Your H and you have different strengths. So maybe you can divvy up the responsibilities based on this. If he's not good at booking tickets, maybe you should be in charge of this. Or let him fail and this way he might be able to see a need for change. Your choice. Anyone can change at any point in their life, but they have to WANT to change.
3. Keep thinking of that tow company guy. See the positive attributes in your H. And not only in your H, but in everyone around you.

[Wendylon]

Thank you v much, Tori, for your comments. They are so sensible. By the way, I think you should definitely write a book.

My mother says she's realised for a while that my H isn't good with tickets. In some respects, I'm a v slow learner.

Yes, good to remember towing guy. He seemed so generous when he didn't say the obvious ab my poor parking. He was an inspiration.

I knew that the word 'toeing' looked wrong in my post. So much for my great attention to detail!

H wants to go away with S13 over Easter (just he 2 of them which gives me a break and gives him some adventure and time with S13). I was going to veto the idea for financial reasons but I'm going to do a 180 and say that it's his decision. He's always the one who wants adventure whereas I like staying home. At least, I can be pretty sure that he's not with an OW if he's with S13

Thank you again, Tori.

[Wendylon]

Following on my last post, I haven't said that it's H's decision but I haven't given him the usual little lectures I give him about being grown-up and financially responsible (I don't say it using those terms).

I did backslide last night though. We went out for our usual Sunday supper and H ordered wine. He hadn't been drinking since Jan 2. I couldn't help but tell him that it made me worried because there was a pattern of giving up for January and then slipping into drinking too much. H didn't even believe me that he's given up drinking in January before. He has the worst memory in the world. He got irritated and said that he sometimes thinks he'd be better off not drinking just to get me off his back. I figure he should do that then!

He says he's preparing for a charity bike ride in September and that he's going to train properly. I won't believe it until I see it.

He said he'd be back early enough for us to watch Homeland tonight but it doesn't look like it... He's probably had a few drinks with the person he was meeting (about the charity bike ride).

Today I feel that I'm trapped: being with him or being without him are both v. unappealing options. All I want is for him to be different and I know that's a non-starter

[tori2012]

Wendylon, I hear your frustration. Have you thought about starting conversations about what you want to see in the M? Remember, it's not about how you want him to change, but what you need in the M to be happy.

So far, it seems your biggest disappointments are with:
1) His lack of commitment to goals
2) Lack of attention
3) Unreliability

How can you translate this into actionable items that he can take so you can be happy? Think about this. And keep focusing on what you like about him, okay? Don't lose sight of this.

BTW, good idea to let him go on the trip with S13. Keep the 180's going, and soon enough, you'll start witnessing his own 180's.

[Wendylon]

You're spot on, Tori, with your list of my biggest frustrations/disappointments. They all fit together.

I feel that in the nearly 23 years we've been together and the endless, endless hours of MC (with many different ones over the years), I've exhausted all the options that relate to him changing. I honestly don't think he has what it takes--the motivation and/or the ability. He is constitutionally scatty from what I can tell and always has been.

The only thing left is for me to accept him as he is. That's where I run into trouble. His biggest complaint about me has always been that I don't truly love him for who he is and that I've always wanted him to be different. Unfortunately, I sometimes think there is lots of truth to his complaints.

Not only am I not going to inhibit him from planning a trip with S13, I will also ask him if he wants to go to a family party in my place to celebrate my mother owning a holiday house for 40 years. I hate big gatherings/parties whereas he enjoys them. All he knows at the moment is that I'm opting out of it but I think he'd be really pleased to know that he is welcome. I've asked my mother and she'd be thrilled if he went. My brother is also keen for him to go.

[tori2012]

Wendylon, the party is a great idea!

One of the things my coach stressed out is that we need to behave in ways so that our spouses feel good about themselves when they are around us. I have a feeling your H feels inadequate, and his belief is reinforced every time you say something non-specific about your frustrations. Next time you bring this up, focus on what he can do to meet your needs better, but you must phrase it in a positive way.

Maybe he will change, but he needs to love himself first, and I don't think that's happening right now. Help him love himself, and the rest should follow. If it doesn't follow and you realize you're just not happy with him, you can make a decision...but that moment is not here now, so don't think much about it.

[Wendylon]

Thank you, Tori. You do have a knack at seeing the sitch clearly. You're absolutely right: H doesn't feel good about himself around me--on the contrary.

I also brought up finances this morning. That's a very touchy/loaded subject. H still hasn't done anything to clear his name since he realised beginning of December that someone had taken out a mobile phone contract in his name so he can't extend his mortgage on his mother's house. I stayed quiet for 2.5 months but he hasn't done a thing. I wonder whether I should offer to help him. He's someone who just buries his head in the sand when it comes to money. If he didn't live with me, I really wonder what would happen to him. I'm paying for everything at the moment. I know he will put money into the joint account when he sorts out this mortgage business but it could take years. He says he's owed lots of money from work but again he doesn't seem good at making sure money comes in.

I mentioned yesterday that I didn't like him drinking again. As you can imagine, that didn't go down well. I apologised later and he said "That's Ok, you're just really annoying". On the other hand, we discussed the party and he is very keen to represent our family even if I don't go. He'd probably prefer it without me since he sees me as a party-pooper who watches him and cramps his style.

[tori2012]

Wendylon, a few comments from an outsider's point of view:
1. One of your goals should be to change your perception that he sees you as a party-pooper. If he has said this, and you feel you can be happy by going along to the parties, then do a 180 and show him you can have fun with him.
2. The finance issue needs to be discussed. Bring this up when you're both calm and in a good mood. After all your finances are at risk too!
3. If he didn't live with you, he would learn the hard way and be forced to change.
4. The drinking sounds like an outlet bc he doesn't feel good about himself. Work on behaving in ways that make him feel good about himself, and he will start loving himself enough to treat his body well.

Sending loving thoughts to you.

[labug]

The only thing left is for me to accept him as he is. That's where I run into trouble. His biggest complaint about me has always been that I don't truly love him for who he is and that I've always wanted him to be different. Unfortunately, I sometimes think there is lots of truth to his complaints.

Just wanted to pull this out and let it stand alone.

You can't change him and shouldn't try.

What have you changed in you, Wendylon?

I remember early on you having problems with his drinking and we talked about AlAnon...did you go? Was it helpful?

What are your goals for you?

What are yo doing for you?

How are you growing, changing?