I feel like a boxer that's just popped up from an 8 count, ready to start swinging again and knowing that hitting the canvas as the best thing that could have happened.
As usual, last night's call didn't go according to script. As it's been three months since we spoke, I knew it would be hard to keep it short and business like. While that didn't happen, and I sobbed like a child shortly after hanging up the phone, I count it as a victory.
Again, trying to keep this recap short, I'll do my best to simply sum it all up. The conversation started right off discussing some financial matters that were very quickly resolved. Then, W launched into a "It's been 9 months since we seperated now, and I think it's time that we just get this over with. I don't want the fact that we're technically married to hold you back from your life and your happiness."
That was the theme of the next 20 minutes or so. W spinning the D as something that will help ME get to happiness, saying I needed to find someone who loves me as much as I love them, finding someone that will fight harder for me than she did... etc etc etc. I calmly thanked her for her concern, but let her know that I was very capable of looking out for my own best interests and choosing who I love and who I fight for.
She then asked me, point blank, what I wanted. I told her that nothing had changed as far as my opinion since the last time we talked. That I was living my life, growing and finding happiness every day. That I believe in myself, in her and in our marriage, and I wouldn't be a part of dissolving that. I let her know that I wouldn't stand in the way of her decision, but as it wasn't something I wanted, I wouldn't help either. She stayed silent for a few moments before telling me, through many tears, that she just wanted to let me know that she was planning on getting the paperwork started. She didn't want to blindside me. She asked if I wanted to come up to Central Florida to sign it, and I told her I'd prefer that she just mail it to me... which disappointed her, but she agreed to do that.
Right then, I decided to get off the phone. I thanked her for calling and giving me the heads up. She asked if I was angry at her, and I told her that I have no anger in my heart for her, as her happiness is important to me. I told her that I realize that nothing I can say or do will change her mind or her way of thinking, but I wasn't giving up. I thanked her again and went to hang up.
Then she asked me to stick around for a minute, as she wanted to explain some things. She spent the next 10 minutes or so rehasing the issues that she had with our relationship... and the funny part is, NONE of them actually had to do with ME... they were all regarding how hard it was to get along with certain members of my family, how she didn't like living in South Florida, and how she missed her friends. I couldn't help but ask if she could tell me something about ME or US that made her unhappy, as her list of things were all external... she said that she couldn't... but all that external stuff was 50%... that the other half was we never had time to "Just Be"...
Knowing that I was slipping into a trap, I changed the subject to something I needed to ask her about work, then tried to get off the phone again, when she launched into updates on her life, her school, her new career choices and a story about how her best friend is now divorced after a 3 year marriage and is already dating someone else.
I shot a little dagger in that part of the conversation, which may have been a mistake, saying that in my opinion, it's awfully hard to grow as a person after a relationship if someone just gets right into another one. She asked if I was jabbing at her, and I simply said that I wasn't standing in judgement, as everyone deals differently, just stating my opinion.
She asked about how I was doing and what was going on in my life, and I gave her a cliff-notes version, before finally telling her that I HAD to get off the phone. By this point, she was crying heavily again and asked me to "Please tell me something bad. Anything. I can't leave it like this." I told her that I really couldn't think of anything "Bad" to tell her, as things were going well... jokingly I said "Well, You're still in Central Florida with OM... so that's bad". She laughed through her tears and thanked me for being me... told me that she really wishes she could hate me, but she can't. I thanked her for calling and hung up the phone.
And broke the F down crying like a child... It was cathartic and beautiful, and it reminded me of what I was fighting so hard for... ME.
A few minutes later, she emailed me yet another song that she said she'd been wanting to send for a long time, but felt it was the right time now. It's called "Six Degrees of Separation" by the Script. And unlike the other songs she's sent me, this one isn't really open to much interpretation... It's a song of regret about a failing relationship... And knowing her as well as I do, I (mind-read) that it's her way of crying out for help without facing the issue and actually saying it...
Which is an issue that I can't get over. It's a condition of any reconciliation that communication lines are more open and less ethereal... But it may not matter at all as she's still going through with the paperwork.
So that's it. I'm still here. And I'm going to continue fighting for me and fighting for this relationship... if nothing else, the conversation reminded me of WHY.
