So, from previous conversations with my W about divorce, custody of our D’s, financial obligations, etc. I learned that my pouty, cranky little boy was not the correct ME to show to my wife (or anybody for that matter!!) Typically I would look away, put on my saddest face and then sound hurt when I spoke, and now I see that this is a perfect 180 for me. So this time when my W approached me about it, I was polite and positive and mostly just listened to what she had to say and only offered my opinion when she asked. I don’t want to stonewall or drag my feet because she looks upon this as me trying to manipulate the situation. I figure no matter what the outcome of our M, I will have plenty of opportunity to become the man I want to be.
Since she’s moved into the spare bedroom, she knocked on my door later that night and asked to talk again. She wanted to discuss more detail about divorce, and I kept the same approach as I did earlier. She started to get very emotional about feeling trapped here and wanting to go back to her country. For the first time ever, I just validated her…I keep reading how other people are doing this, and I finally had an opportunity. I told her that it must be so hard to deal with all those feelings and emotions about wanting to go back home. I pulled myself completely out of the equation and tried to really understand how she feels. The last thing she said was that it was so unfair that I wouldn’t allow her to go back there with our daughters—it was only going to be for a year. She said she desperately needed it. I resisted all temptation to tell her that her previous request was only for the sake of our D8, not my W. Instead I continued validating her….it was hard but I did. She then left to go to bed…
…and then came back about 10 minutes later, crying. She said she hated it that I can be so strong about things, and that I have all the power in this divorce and that she has to continue counting on me for money after she separates because things are too expensive here. She ranted and ranted and cried for a long time about how things are so unfair. I asked her if the only way she could be happy was for her to go back to her country, and she said she wasn’t sure any more. Then she broke down and told me the OM had dumped her and didn’t want anything else to do with her. Now I see the magnitude of my childish behavior on Sunday when she was so happy to have found a university in her country to help her pursue her dreams. While I was thinking she would be shacking up with the OM, she already knew he had basically washed his hands of her. She told me that since August she has had it in her mind that the OM would wait forever for our M to end, because their love was so “strong and true”. In the end, my W was just another lay for him….
She told me she wished things could be different. She said if I only knew how to love a wife then things could be different. I didn’t disagree or push it this time, I just continued validating. Every other time I have pushed back with “YES I DO!!”, or “YOU’RE WRONG”. This time I just let it flow. After all her emotions came out, she became much more calm and even a little happy again. We talked all through the night about how great our M was, and how we didn’t mean for it to get to where it is. She told me the business-like aspect of divorce is disgusting to her, and she would rather have a ceremony where we agree to enter a new phase of our lives. I don’t know about all that, but I now see how heavy a toll this is taking on her. She said she felt jealous thinking about me finding “someone else” and that she should be the one to pick out my next relationship partner. I didn’t push back against this at all. We got closer and closer to each other to the point where we were sitting on the edge of the bed hugging each other. When she said it was time to sleep, I asked her to stay with me and she agreed. I held her all night. It was very, very tender and peaceful.
I have no doubt that she will be back to cold and distant today…things go like that right lately. I have a lot of work to do to continue the 180’s I picked up last night. I still think I’m a little clingy at times when she gets so emotional, but I feel like I can control it more now that I am aware of it. It will be hard not to act on my desire to grab her and hug and kiss her when we see each other tonight, but I don’t want to push anything. I feel like I’ve got a toehold on some positive changes in me, and I don’t want to backslide. Sleeping with me last night while she already decided to move into the other bedroom must be confusing for her this morning, and I need to respect that. Wow, sorry this ended up being so long!!
