Everyday it seems to get worse. Litigation [censored]. BS accusations. Custody fight. Going to court. Lawyers are loving it. Just don't get the hate. Unfortunately I have no choice but to fight back. Splitting up is one thing but the nastiness and lies and money being thrown away. Kids in the middle. We will never even be friends now. I still for the life of me don't know what I did so wrong. Yes, I take my side for the dysfunction but this is a level of hate that just does not fit. I get this letter from her L today that accuses me of accusing her of still having another man. It says that I said "hope he was a good lay" in front of my 10 year old. Wtf? Not a chance did I say that or even say anything let alone in front of my child. That is sick. Is this a tactic, or did she dream it or just fabrication???? Honestly, how does one turn this ship around...and quickly? What is wrong with her? I know it is not their business by why would a friend or family member not say anything? She would always write special notes in her greeting cards to me, always something different and seemingly from the heart. On my B-day and Christmas 2010 she writes how happy she is and she is proud of me and loves our family so much and what a great husband and dad I am. Weeks later she has an affair. Wtf is the truth anymore?
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Hang in their guys, it will get better. Protect yourself and don't stoop to those tactics. No matter how hard this is have no regrets of how you handle yourself through the process. I have friends that still regret how they acted during their D's years later.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Floyd, we're all here for you man, as much as we can be. Be strong.
Try to detach as much as humanly possible at this point. It's a business deal, nothing more. Do not let your emotions play a part in this at all....I think they will only hurt you. You've got to stop thinking about what she said in cards, and all that jazz. Focus on now....this is in front of me....how would I want my children to behave in this sitch? Then model it for them.
On my B-day and Christmas 2010 she writes how happy she is and she is proud of me and loves our family so much and what a great husband and dad I am. Weeks later she has an affair. Wtf is the truth anymore?
I hear ya....my W sent me a long, long text detailing how great a man, husband and father I was and how great her love for me was--right in the middle of her torrid affair. I used to look at it a lot and try to figure out wft was in her head. I finally deleted it. What benefit was I getting in hurting myself every time I read it? Even my W probably couldn't tell me why she sent it...just one of those things. I still have all the cards, notes, etc. from all the years of our M, but I stopped looking at them too. None of it made sense anymore.
I'm so sorry the D is turning out like this for you...I've been reading your thread for a while now, and I hate to see it end this way.
Everyday it seems to get worse. Litigation [censored]. BS accusations. Custody fight. Going to court. Lawyers are loving it. Just don't get the hate. Unfortunately I have no choice but to fight back. Splitting up is one thing but the nastiness and lies and money being thrown away. Kids in the middle. We will never even be friends now. I still for the life of me don't know what I did so wrong. Yes, I take my side for the dysfunction but this is a level of hate that just does not fit. I get this letter from her L today that accuses me of accusing her of still having another man. It says that I said "hope he was a good lay" in front of my 10 year old. Wtf? Not a chance did I say that or even say anything let alone in front of my child. That is sick. Is this a tactic, or did she dream it or just fabrication????
Want some good news ? Or bad news ?
Well, they are both pretty much the same.
You are going to hear things that make the hair on the back of your neck stand up, and you are going to have some SEVERE anger if you buy into those things.
The trick in the process, is to know yourself well enough to know the difference between what is true, and what isn't true.
Keep in mind, that the things that you hear, even if they aren't true, are true to your spouse. Those things happened in her eyes (or pretty close to it).
It is an eye opener to see how differently events were viewed, and it shows the lack of clear communication that was present throughout the marriage.
You want to make sure that you document EVERYTHING. Keep a calender of times with the kids, a journal of things that happen. If it isn't documented, as far as the courts are concerned...it didn't happen.
What you are going to see, is the anger in which she needs, in order to follow through with her plans....
It doesn't make it right, it just makes it what it is.
One of the ways in which I viewed LBS anger, was that it was like the Space Shuttle.
Those two big booster tanks that are full of fuel, are like her anger. They were used only until the Shuttle was able to get to it's cruising altitude, and then the tanks were discarded. Her anger is much the same way. She is going to burn every ounce of anger, to fuel her push away from you. Nothing is off limits to her. And once she gets to where she wants to be, you will see her anger taper off.
The trick is, to NOT be like her. Be the person that lives his truth, and does what is right, regardless the false accusations and anger that are thrown your way.
Every thing that happens, will be public record, and I knew that my children could eventually go and look at what transpired, if they chose to do so one day. And I pictured how I wanted them to view me if they did.
I kept three words in the back of my mind throughout the process. I wanted to handle myself with Dignity, Honor, and Grace.
That is YOUR choice through this....
Make sense ?
Originally Posted By: Floyd
Honestly, how does one turn this ship around...and quickly? What is wrong with her? I know it is not their business by why would a friend or family member not say anything?
Oh he that lacks faith....
Your anger is letting the sun go down, on your faith.
Use this, as your fuel....
Quickly ? As in YOUR time?
Or HER time ????
Your time, means that you really haven't changed...
Her time, is showing that your actions match your words...
What would YOU want if the roles were reversed ????
Originally Posted By: Floyd
She would always write special notes in her greeting cards to me, always something different and seemingly from the heart. On my B-day and Christmas 2010 she writes how happy she is and she is proud of me and loves our family so much and what a great husband and dad I am. Weeks later she has an affair. Wtf is the truth anymore?
Most of the time, and LBS will draw closer right before the bomb. They do that to re-enforce what SHOULD be, and try to convince them self of what SHOULD happen. That is part of their MO, when they say that they tried every thing.
What is happening, may be new to you, but these thoughts have been bouncing around for quite some time in her head.
Remember, that there is always three sides to every story.
Your side
Her side
And some where in the middle, is where the truth meets...
Thanks all. It is all just too crazy. She is a lost soul.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
I think you need to view yourself in a business deal and don't allow the emotional potential of it to hurt you. Figure that it is script, it is her need to justify what she is doing, it is her remembering things differently from you. Try to remember the point of this. The point is a business deal in which you both are able to pick up the pieces and move on with as much of your standard of living as it is possible to protect from the lawyers and divide between you.
So, what is the purpose of the statement about a good lay? If, and it sounded like this from what you presented here, she is making a case for full custody or a greater percentage of custody than what you want, then take it as that and that only. Don't let it hurt you, don't wonder why or how she came up with that? Stick to the facts. Is it true? No, you don't recall saying and would not say something like that; it would be completely out of character for you. So the next question is: Is it relevant? Is there any way that saying this undocumented, unprovable, unlikely thing about you will affect your custody? That's a question for your lawyer, and if the answer is no, then completely disregard it.
Her job, as she and her lawyer see it now, is to come up with ammunition to achieve her goals. Your job is to document, wherever you can, what kind of a dad you are, what you need and what is best for your kids. And get through this with your dignity for your kids. Don't waste your time or your lawyer's time rebutting statements that make no difference.
Look at this. You have just said you'll never be friends with her. She's crossed the line. So what's another sling or arrow? Where you sit right now, you should be able to be impervious to one more little hit. Focus on only what is legally relevant in order to protect whatever time with your kids that you are asking for.
In my state, an affair makes no difference at all. In my state, there is no judgment about who was wronged or who deserves what in terms of spousal support. You pretty much each walk away with half the stuff and child support, and if you're really lucky maybe a little pittance of spousal support to the lower wage earner. So it wouldn't matter a bit if I accused my H of sleeping with someone before, during, or after, or said so in front of my kids. It would make him mad, but legally would mean nothing. Check with your lawyer and form a shell around yourself to bounce off what is a desperate and ultimately probably irrelevant pitch to increase her take-away.
Hang in there. Everyone says this part is hard and ugly, and there's good to come on the other side. Try to let go of the how did this happen and the how could she say that, and get through the moment by doing the smart thing in each case - not getting waylaid by emotional static.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
