Help/Advice needed please...

[ndfarmer]

Intact, I wish I had the words to tell you so your pain would be eased. I know all too well how your feeling. I have been divorced since June. I was married for 29 years. Xw began an EA with my best friend in 2007. He divorced his wife exactly one year before my wife divorced me. They denied it all those years and now are openly together. My three children are not speaking to her.I held out hope until they came out into the light. I guess what im trying to say is sometimes there isnt a happy ending. You have to move on and build a new life for yourself. I so sorry your going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend.

[Spartan]

First off, the game isn't over until you believe it is. There are many stories of people that get D'd and remarry years later (actually just met a couple at church this weekend that did this). Even if you sign you will still continue to work on yourself and become person you want, and need, to be. You will still see W since you have a S so hopefully you'll stay friends and she'll see changes in you. You never know what the future holds but YOU will be a better person no matter how it turns out if you continue to work on you.

With that said I have absolutely no plans to sign anything for a while. When W and I discussed D early on I told her clearly I was against D and I planned to take as long as possible with the process in hopes she would change her mind. I also told her I wouldn't help with any of the D stuff (house for sale, etc...). I've also told my L this and it frustrates him because I'm late on everything I owe him (my interrogatories were due last week and I have no intention of sending them until he knocks on my door). For me, until I sign the paper I will keep my vows and I will keep hope alive. Truth be told, deep down I'm afraid that once I sign I'll lose hope and start down a new path. I'm not signing until I'm ready for that path. It may, or may not, make a bit of difference with how W acts but I can't control her and I know what the piece of paper means to me. Just my take on that.

[Spartan]

I want to reiterate that no matter what, you need to work on you. With or without your W your life will go on and you've made big strides in improving yourself.

What do you want out of your life?

How do you want to be remembered?

You can't control your W, the only person you can control is you and how you live your life. Be a great dad, be a great friend, be a great man. Enjoy YOUR life.

[Intact]

Thanks Spartan.

I want to be remembered for being a fantastic Dad and great man.

What do I want out of my life? In an ideal world I want my family together - I am a real family man - this is obviously something which I cannot control unfortunately.

[Intact]

Journal.

Decent day today as I've been busy with GAL activities. Even managed to go out with some friends last night. Had to pop by her house first (at her request) to see our Son. I made sure I was wearing new clothes and cologne etc.

As I left she said "Have a good evening" - I just replied with a "will do".

Baby steps? She sent me a text message today with a 'x' at the end - it's the first time she's done that since BD - I did see it as a positive sign but I'm not over thinking it as it could just as easily be habit.

Have my first guitar lesson later - its something I've always wanted too do so I'm looking forward to it.

[Spartan]

Nice work with the GALing. Guitar is something I've gotten more serious about through all this.

[Intact]

Journal

Things don't get any easier...

W popped round tonight to pick up laptop - she couldn't get away quick enough and her only conversation was about divorce.

Telling me that if it made it easier and quicker I could file under unreasonable behaviour. She just wants done ASAP - I really don't know what to do.

[stilllookingup]

How long does it take for D to be final in your State?

[Intact]

I'm in the UK so if I agree we are talking weeks rather than months - if I refuse I believe it can take up to two years - but obviously refusing will likely push her further away.

[2thepoint]

Hey there! Sorry things are looking so bleak for you at the moment! I know exactly how you are feeling and it really hurts, big time!

I was reading through a few of your recent posts and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself for making what you view as "mistakes". These are really nothing more than natural reactions to terrible circumstances. What you need to do is try to learn from them and avoid making them again in the future. You should know though, that you will in fact make them again.

It sounds like your W is on the fast track to getting a divorce. But you don't have to be on the train with her. I believe that you can slow roll your way along and hopefully buy yourself time. The thing is, often affairs have a way of fizzling out once life takes over. You just need to hang on and work on getting your head in the right place.

17 months ago, my W said the same things your W has said. I was stunned, sad and I pursued like crazy. All of which drove my W further away. The key to everything is give more space to your W than you think is possible and add an additional 50%. The more distance you put between your emotions and your W the better.

Don't go checking to see if she is noticing either. It will only make you crazy. Right now, you need to focus exclusively on yourself and your child. Emotionally your W should be completely out of the picture, because frankly, she is!

Keep up your posts here and others will come along soon enough to share insight and guide you. If you are having a weak moment, come here and steer clear of your W.

None of this is going to be easy, but it is necessary as you work to improve yourself and focus on getting your head and heart in the right place.

I wish you well, Intact.