Your thread title seems so fitting! You are just waiting, waiting. But it seems good she wants to be at home and not go anywhere, IMO.
You are a huge security for her and she may not feel in love with you right now, but she obviously wants you in her life.
Snodderly is always telling me to dig deeper for patience. It sounds like you are doing very well with DB. I actually think it's positive she would sing aloud at home where you can hear her. I only do that when I'm very comfortable.
Idk, FY, I say keep hanging in there. I think you are doing great!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
FY, Patience! Dig deeper for more patience. Your wife is still at home and is singing. She's going to bounce back and forth from cold to luke warm for quite some time.
Hang in there! The journey is not a sprint...but a marathon and one you do not have control over.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
There is nothing you can DO that is going to speed up MLC, but you can slow it down.
Keep your boundaries, lead by ACTIONS not words.
And use the TIME that has been given to you as a GIFT.
MLC takes forever and you have still been at this a very short time.
I know, but the calendar is rolling… it’s not like I’m going to be Young Forever!
Originally Posted By: RH
Your thread title seems so fitting! You are just waiting, waiting. But it seems good she wants to be at home and not go anywhere, IMO.
You are a huge security for her and she may not feel in love with you right now, but she obviously wants you in her life.
Snodderly is always telling me to dig deeper for patience. It sounds like you are doing very well with DB. I actually think it's positive she would sing aloud at home where you can hear her. I only do that when I'm very comfortable.
Thank you so much for the inspirational words, reaching! I surely can use them. Just hearing that someone thinks I'm doing well really helps.
Funny thing is she used to sing before her Mom died, but they were all simple one line songs she made up. Some happy and a few not. She had little to no interest in actual music. One of our running jokes for this came from a line in a Simpson’s episode, where Marge says “Music is none of my business.”
She never really stopped singing, but it just seems like she’s in her own world when she does it. So, because of her behavior towards me, I of course figure she’s happily moving on without me in her mind.
MLC had her dive into modern Pop music big time. Then reach back to classic country tunes, (Johnny Cash is a favorite) Classical and even Opera. She downloads some from iTunes, but mostly prefers checking CD’s out of the local library, because it’s free. We’ve never had money issues and our savings just keep piling up.
Originally Posted By: RH
Idk, FY, I say keep hanging in there. I think you are doing great!
Thanks! Nobody can say I’m not trying, that's for sure.
FY,
Originally Posted By: snodderly
Patience! Dig deeper for more patience.
Is there a special shovel for this? I’ll take two please!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, It takes a lot of time and you've only been at this a very short time. Overall, I think you've been handling your situation quite well. Try to imagine that she's a very little kitten who is very skittish of humans and you are trying to convince the kitten that you mean no harm. The only way to do this is drop kindness kibbles and allow her to gobble them up at her own pace. That also means you need to step back and allow her to feel secure in her surroundings. Eventually, your skittish kitten will feel safer and will begin to come out more and more. If you try to rush the process, the kitten will stay hidden for a long time.
Prayer is one of the shovels that will help you gain more patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
FY, I agree that you're doing very well. I think it's safe to attempt a little physical contact--squeeze her shoulder or pat her back when you pass by her. Make eye contact, and offer honest, specific compliments.
How about GALing by doing something you haven't tried before, like a dance class? That'll get your W curious, and she might even want to join.
Just giving you some ideas. Don't let things be stagnant for too long.
Because standing doesn't seem worth it at times. I'd be 100% fine on my own, I'm sure... I really don't need a wife who is just a roommate. Yet I can't help but think that she may come around and thank me some day. Or not, who knows.
Your quote about "can't help but think that she may come around ...". You've been with your W a long time. You know her. I think you making this statement means you should continue to DB. She is still in the house with you.
Regarding touching and informing your wife you will not be waiting, I'm not sure. Touch is pursuing and I'm not sure how your W would respond. The statement about not waiting would certainly put pressure on your wife.
As the other posters indicated, dig deep. I know you can do that.
FY, I wouldn't do the touching of the shoulder, etc. for a while. I think the verbal affirmations and validations are what she needs right now. Touching, to me, would be considered pursuing and that you are making it "personal". She's not ready for that. Follow her lead on this when the time comes.
Do not tell your wife that you are not waiting as this is pressure and can be seen as an ultimatum. Actions speak louder than words, i.e., join a dance class, book club, go to the coffee shop, go to the gym, etc. By doing these things, it lets her know that you are not sitting there watching and waiting for her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm curious to see if my W is in the same place. She moved out three weeks ago but spends all her waking mins at home. Last night she stayed at home because I had to leave early this morning. Instead of going to the the guest room, where she stayed two weeks before moving out, she got in bed with me. Established a do not touch policy immediately. This morning on my way out she offered her cheek for me to kiss and then said I love you. I can't tell if I'm in friend zone or what?
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Snodderly, Tori and VG, thank you so much for your words of wisdom. You and this board are truly a blessing!
There will be no ultimatum. I didn't make it this far only to blow it now. What I'm starting to do is softly drop hints, or "truth darts", letting her know I don't intend to remain just a roommate with my wife forevermore. This is just the reality of things. Sure, I'll let my actions do most of the talking, but if a conversation takes the right bend, I'm not concealing this truth.
Regarding the touching, I've been very careful with this. Once or twice a month, when the time feels right, I approach her and scratch her head/brush her hair for a few minutes. She accepts it, and sometimes thanks me. One time, several months ago, after she complained about her sore feet (she's has foot issues) I massaged them for her... but I went a little too far, moving up her legs. She got uncomfortable and got up and left without saying a word. I won't make that mistake again!
The way I figure, if neither one of us initiates we'll never be back to contact. I just have to be perceptive, take it slow, and not scare her away. I may be the one initiating, but she's actually the one setting the pace... and she's still here. One of her complaints at BD was that I wasn't assertive enough... didn't take charge. I've been changing that.
I do need to step up the GAL... I think most of us do. I've looked into dance classes, but put it on hold because I'm trying to start up a Cardio Tae Kwon Do class at my workplace. It will probably be two nights a week, so with my other activities it's either this or dance. I'd rather run the TKD class, but our HR department has been dragging their feet on it. We'll see what happens.
Thanks again, and best wishes to all my fellow Divorce Busters!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, our stories are really simar. W's father diagnosed with dementia spring 2011, ILYBNILWY March 2012, W father passed on Jan 2013. She moved to mothers two weeks ago but spends every waking minute with me and children. I get a cheek to kiss and a hug most days, and then discussion about future plans with me one minute and without me the next. Very hard to be patient with affection, but I try to always let her make the first move. Key word is try!
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
