Gonna be different now, (butterfly in hurricane).

[25yearsmlc]

Good night,
Thank you, thank you very much. I wanted to ponder a bit about the different responses, as usual, lots of food for thought, but I have to give you some background info.

The hearing for custody/access of our S has been postponed from 25th Jan to 15th Feb (20 days later) ath their request.
Trying to gain time to reinforce the poor visit pattern? trying to gain time to say : husband has not given any money in the mean time?... It doesn't really matter the reason, I just want to say that the proceedings are on, and that very soon hopefully, I'll get to see more of S, if not 50%.

Bruce, it could be her lawyer's schedule too. No point in trying to mind read this^^ type of thing. Seriously, don't waste energy on what you cannot control AND that a hundred other reasons could be causing.


Yes I have changed S diaper, and I feed him now that he's alone with me, I read him stories, we go to Wal-Mart together, we go to the mall, we go to McDonald's playplace, and I go down the slide with him. He's my S, my friend and my only family here.
Soon, we won't be so separated anymore.

Glad to hear it. WHen the time span is longer than 2 hours it'll get easier to just hang with him too. Does he seem to know you? What does he call you? Does he ever seem happy to see you? Make sure you show you are glad to see HIM. Get down on his eye level and smile, and you can be sure someone will be watching...

Also, the big change in me, I think, is that I do listen to people. I do not interrupt them, or keep talking on and on. I do ask questions to people, look them in the eye and show interest. I am learning to be sympathetic, which I wasn't so much before.

that's an important insight. Good for you.

I agree that there was big fault in me before, and I am truly sorry I was an idiot, but I meant, now, I have corrected most of the reproaches W voiced. Namely the selfishness, the spending money extravangtly, and the family mindedness.
I think you believe this^^ but it's so much easier to SAY when you don't have to prove it or live it. Actions speak a lot louder than words.

Of course, it is impossible to demonstrate while separated, and while I'm dying to show W that I have changed, I understand it may never happen.

And to answer, no I haven't told W about the things I have realized, because it would be pursuing, showing off, trying to convince her back, etc... which we don't want. I keep this eye opening for me, especially as I don't see her at all...

I'm not sure that a letter to her which lists a FEW Things (nothing that hurts your legal interests) you regret, OR that you "now realize, thanks to the awakening", would hurt OR be seen as pursuit if you worded it right.

That would mean NOT asking for a meeting or a date. It would mean just letting her know you "get it." My sister's h left her years ago. A month before she remarried a man who really "got" her, her ex h called her. He had OW in his life, btw. But he wanted my sister, HIS x w, to know that HE had screwed up their marriage and that he realized it, that he "gets it now" and that he wished her well in her new marriage b/c he had "blown it, regrets it everyday, but is happy for her."

I told her to savor those comments b/c most women never hear them. She treasures them and she is still sad that he split their family of 5 up for a stupid selfish whim...but alas, I can also say she is truly happier with her "new h" (10 years now) than she'd ever be with her first h. He was always tense and grumpy often. She's a positive person who married a man who worships the ground she walks on and it's nice to see b/c she was really hurt and betrayed.

I give him credit for owning the divorce and for wishing her well. I think he was sincere. He stressed that he was "Not trying to upset the wedding plans" she had for the next month. I believe him. So he, the WAS grew from his mistake.

So did she. But not together. Still I have to say I think he did her a favor by leaving b/c like I said, he was never a very happy man for long, and looked externally for his happiness. Hence the "need to leave" my sister. She had been very good to him.


About the finances, anyone who knows me a little knows I'm open about it, and generous (and I still think some day I will send some of you a cheque), and there was no way I could have hid finances from my own W. I mean impossible.

is this ^^an allegation of hers regarding present day? I don't know the issue.

Speaking of which finances, I want to buy a house here, and I spoke with my lawyer. He told me that even though she hasn't shown interest, her lawyer could convince her later if she decides to D, to claim half of the money received from the selling of our property in France. Therefore the best was to not move until D was pronounced, to not give her ideas (oh he's buying a house with OUR money), or take advantage of the hearing on the 15th to agree to D, and not be worried about finances anymore.

This ^^makes sense to me and it's your lawyer's advice. I won't disagree.


My idea, and that's where I need advice , is to call W, (or write an email since she doesn't answer calls from me), and tell her straight : I want to buy a house, but should you decide to D later on, are you intent on asking half of the money?

Why would you ask this? What's the point or goal? Why can't you wait a bit longer to buy?

(she knows, and I know, that I made the downpayment, and every payment of the mortgage, I bought the appliances, paid the renovations, etc...). Having put no penny in the house, it would kind of profiteer from her to claim half of the money now.

this^^ is you starting to sound bitter & whiny. If France is a community property nation or equitable division they'd credit her for being your wife and that means she "earned" her keep. Don't get carried away measuring. Besides, she moved to a country that probably didn't hire her quickly or pay her well (or at all?) OH AND SHE HAD your baby...

Bruce, FYI--when you start to get bitter, when you start to argue your case and blame her or accuse her, you lose me.


What do you guys think? Wise and honest move? Not tell her a thing (to not give her ideas) and go ahead buy the house?

NO, don't buy the house now. Geez, your Lawyer said to wait. If you buy it and hide the fact, THAT looks weird. What is the rush? I get that there MIGHT be a financial advantage to buy NOW but it risks her getting half...so, hello??

Are you sure you aren't trying to manipulate her into wanting to move out of her parents house into yours? I mean, I cannot think of another reason for you pursuing this in such a hurry. AGAIN, dig deep!


One last thing, I may have suffered from unbelief and shock for a little too long, but I get it now that I might just become a statistic, a cliche of the negligent guy left by his W, and that W might not come back, ever.
And that growth is the precious thing, the only positive thing I can get out of this situation.

yes it is the only positive thing. But it's not a small thing Bruce.
Becoming a better, kinder, more sensitive man is a very good thing. Your son will surely reap the benefits and who knows? Maybe someone else will as well...

I made a couple of friends at work. I do go to the gym, and play curling on Saturdays, and hopefully have more time with S. I am starting to build myself up again. Slower than it could have been, but I'm getting there. Do not lose hope in me.

Sounds good. Make sure you keep meeting NEW people. (Solo activities only go so far, imo.) But looking good, working out--excellent!

I think meeting new people Is key to GAL -

and GAL is key to being happy and growing through this ordeal.

Bruce
P.S. When W was there at every visit, it eventually led to a relaxed form of relationship, and at some point W started sending soft "confused" messages (those who know the thread know..), therefore I had the feeling it was the way to go. The sitch has completely changed now, as I don't see W at all, communication is only short emails, regarding nothing else but S (almost impolite to not ask how she's doing... like I don't care), so the dynamic is completely different now.

I get that. But the thing is, the only part of this^^ that you can control is.... what part? The tone of your emails?

Okay, include small vignettes of cute things son does. Or ask questions that show interest (unless you have asked before, but not "heard" her)

Or MAYBE send a phone picture of him now & then. But no flirting and no asking her about what SHE is up to.

You can express things like "thanks, I appreciated that!" and "please".

No need to be curt. But be like a guy with fun things to do, people to meet, places to go. An upbeat warm loving man who SO ENJOYS time with his son that he is in a hurry to go when he gets his son...

but not rushed. Just ask if there's anything different that day "did he have a good night?" OR "has he eaten already/had a nap?" and questions like that are fine to ask and say them in pleasant tones. THANK the people you speak to and ask nothing of the mom.

For now, that's all you can do without looking like a weirdo stalker or a spoiled man who is angry that his wife won't do what he wants!!

You don't get to do that anymore Bruce. You must accept HER terms, FOR NOW.
It's only a month away (or less).
Once custody is settled, well we can cross that bridge when you come to it.

Make sense?